


1,000 Years (A Reconciliation Story)

by soldiermom1973



Series: 1,000 years (A Reconciliation Story) [2]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Armax Arena, Awkward, Battle Couple, F/M, Gen, Graphic Violence, Heart-to-Heart, Innocent Deaths, Intimate Healing, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, Love Revelation Epiphany, Minor Character Death, NSFW, Official Couple, Other, Post-Reaper War, Power Couple, Q and A, Reconciliation, Relationship Upgrade, Slow Burn, Smut, Smut lite, Training, Turians, aborted declaration of love, dinner date that isn't a date, everyone can see it, false start, mention of PTSD, mention of anxiety, mention of depression, mention of suicidal thoughts, official kiss, old soldiers, otp, sanity check, substitute teaching, working dinner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-09-19 08:37:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 52,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20328241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soldiermom1973/pseuds/soldiermom1973
Summary: Allie Shepard regretted the day she told Kaidan Alenko 'no' during the sanity check lunch date.  In the years since the Reaper War ended, they drifted apart and she lived with that regret, often wondering how things might be if she hadn't told him no.  When chance brings them together again, it is too late to start over?





	1. One Step Closer

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story came literally the day after I finished NaNo. After way too much writer's block and a general lack of cooperation from my brain, I finally finished it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It hasn't been beta'd, so if you find any glaring errors, please let me know. This story is complete and I will be updating at least once a week, though probably more often.
> 
> For the purposes of this story, the destroy ending was used, but EDI and the geth survived. I have a headcanon for that which I'll happily explain, if you like.

Eight years.

It had been eight years since Allie Shepard had been one of only two people to make it to the beam in London. Eight years since she somehow found the strength to push through her pain and trigger the Catalyst. Eight years since the Citadel came apart around her, burying her in rubble where she stayed for who-knows-how long. Eight years since she last laid eyes on the man she loved...

Eight years since she broke his heart.

Allie Shepard stood off to the side, against a wall, nursing what had to be her 30th drink of the evening, watching Kaidan mingle with some handsome blonde on his arm. The Council started throwing these galas once in a while to thank their Spectres for their hard work during and after the Reaper war. There wasn't the same shroud of secrecy around the Spectre ranks like there once was, but events like this were still kept hush-hush. Not every Spectre wanted to be known as such. There was no hiding Allie and Kaidan, though, given the publicity of humanity's first two (and so far, only) Spectres into the Council's ranks of elite peacekeepers.

It was hard for Allie to fight the hurt in her heart, to deny the jealousy of the well-built man who was attached to Kaidan's hip from the moment they arrived. Her mind wandered to an image of her being in that man's place, smiling and beaming at everyone because she and Kaidan made a great team, a great couple. And they had been a great couple. For a while, anyway. They were great until she died, until Horizon. They had never really gotten past the things that were said when they reconnected on that colony. Correction - _she_ had never really gotten past the things that were said. Horizon planted a seed of doubt in her mind that only festered during the months of silence while she was locked up. It sprouted a little on Mars, and fully blossomed during the coup.

Kaidan no longer trusted her. Not the way he used to, anyway. Sure, he knew she wouldn't be putting a bullet in his back when they were on the battlefield together, but whenever she did something, talked to people, made a decision, she wondered in the back of her mind if Kaidan trusted she was doing it for the right reasons and not because she was being manipulated or controlled by the Illusive Man or the Reapers. She welcomed him back on the Normandy after the coup and yes, he did say he'd never doubt her again, but the seed of uncertainty that was planted a year prior became a full-blown bed of weeds she just couldn't get rid of.

He _said_ he trusted her. He _said_ he'd have her back no matter what she decided, but did he? Was it really so easy for him to cast aside whatever skepticism he had and just suddenly support her like he did back when she stole the SR-1 to go to Ilos? She wanted to think so, she was desperate to, but no matter how hard she tried, she realized that despite what she said or did, she always wondered if Kaidan would approve or if he was still harboring doubts about her intentions.

Allie swirled her drink and took another sip, not taking her eyes off of Kaidan and his date. She was honestly surprised Kaidan lasted as long as he did; usually if he was at an event like this he bowed out early, citing an oncoming migraine from the noise and lights. Tonight, though, he acted like he didn't want to leave, like he was having fun, showing off his plus one, laughing at jokes and retelling stories. Again, Allie had to quell the hurt and jealousy in her heart. It wasn't right, or fair, that she felt this way. Kaidan had every right to move on. She no longer had a claim on him, or his heart and hadn't for a long, long time.

She sighed and drained her glass, contemplating getting another as she remembered back to their 'sanity check' lunch date. Kaidan had suggested it and even seemed surprised that she'd shown up. She almost didn't go because she was afraid he might want to talk about Horizon or something more... personal. They had some idle chit chat and Allie started to feel a bit more at ease that things would stay friendly until Kaidan mentioned he wasn't sleeping. When Allie pressed for more details, thinking she might have to talk him into seeing the doc, he mentioned about 'this thing between us and making it real'.

_Allie's heart leapt into her throat and she desperately tried to think of how to let him down gently. “I can't, Kaidan” she whispered, staring at her hands. “I just... I know you said you trust me, but I can't... Every time I do something, I wonder if you'd approve, if it'll help you realize I'm still me.”_

_“I know you're still you, Shepard, it's why I'm here,” Kaidan interrupted, a crestfallen look on his face. Allie's heart broke, knowing that she was about to break his._

_“But do you?” she murmured. “Do you _REALLY_?”_

_“You don't believe me?” Kaidan sat back, dumbfounded._

_“I want to. More than anything, but I just...” she sighed and a tear slipped down her face. “I love you Kaidan, I always have and I probably always will, but I can't stop feeling like everything I do is somehow being scored as a way to prove to you that I haven't changed, that Cerberus didn't change me.”_

_She fought the urge to reach out and touch his face or hold his hand, though she desperately wanted to do both. “I know I have no reason not to believe you, but I just can't be more than friends with you right now. I'm sorry.”_

_Kaidan looked like he wanted to plead his case, to try and convince her to give them another try, but after several moments, he cleared his throat and nodded. “Alright, then,” he said, turning his gaze back to the menu. “It's like you always say, if you don't ask the answer will always be no.”_

_He sighed and picked the menu up and Allie was certain he was fighting tears of his own. “I just really hoped you were going to say yes.”_

Allie offered him a transfer, not wanting things to be awkward between them, but Kaidan told her that if she was ok with him staying on board, he really wanted to remain as part of her crew. She agreed, but things between them were different after that. At least, Allie thought they were different. She had more than enough time to look back on it and realized a long time ago that she was the one who changed after their lunch date. She still took him on missions because they were a formidable team, but off duty or in between missions? She tended to give him more space. She cut back how often she went to the crew's poker games and always tried to leave herself a way out if Kaidan managed to talk to her.

The last time she had seen him during the war was when he went with her to the beam. He got hurt, badly, and it scared the shit out of her. The pain on his face when he realized she was sending him away nearly broke her, but she pressed her lips together, turned, and ran. As she dodged fireballs and incoming rounds, she'd have sworn she heard him say that he loved her over the comms.

After everything ended, she woke up in a hospital bed in one of the miraculously undamaged parts of the Citadel. Several months passed before her crew showed up, having finally limped back from where the Normandy has crashed. Kaidan there and seemed relieved she was ok, but he kept his distance and only visited if there was someone else around. It wasn't long before he stopped coming at all and when she asked, Garrus told her he'd gone home to Vancouver.

She was hurt that he didn't tell her he was leaving – she still considered him a friend, even if that friendship was tenuous sometimes. It was probably a good thing he was away – there was no risk of awkward silences or lame attempts to lighten a mood. Besides, she didn't want to encourage him or give him any kind of signal that she wanted more than to be a friend. Their meeting at Apollo's still weighed heavy on her mind and her heart. During and after her recovery, Kaidan was always the one to initiate any contact between them, and the time between his messages grew longer and longer until he finally stopped all together.

They still saw each other from time to time – PR events, reunions, memorials, Council functions – but Allie made it a point to keep her distance. After a few years, she figured he would have moved on. The war was over, the head of the Cerberus snake had been cut off and any straggling cells were quickly being eliminated, and things were returning to normal. There was nothing left for Kaidan to question, no one for her to betray him or the Alliance to, but Allie figured it was too late to try and fix things.

So she relegated herself to watching him from a distance, relying on the tabloids and her friends to keep track of what he was up to. Occasionally, the paparazzi would snag a picture of him walking into Armax with some 'unknown person' and speculation would ensue about whether or not the Galaxy's Most Eligible Bachelor was finally off the market. Several times, Allie had to laugh because she recognized Vega's broad shoulders or Jack's unmistakable tattoos. She'd see him occasionally at various Alliance or Council events and always managed to avoid talking to him. Still, the thought that she made a serious mistake in telling Kaidan 'no' all those years ago troubled her and she wished she could go back and give him a different answer.

Sometimes, when it looked like he and his date weren't getting along or if he showed up solo, Allie considered approaching him, to see how he was and test the waters of them maybe starting over again. She always lost her nerve, though, so every night she went to bed alone, lonely, and royally kicking herself in the ass for letting Kaidan Alenko get away.

This night, though, he seemed different. Happy. At peace. Allie wondered if it had anything (everything) to do with the blonde he was there with. She couldn't deny the other man was very attractive and could see why Kaidan would be drawn to him. She sighed and grabbed another drink from one of the roving waiters and made her way to one of the balconies to wallow in self-pity. She knew she had no one to blame but herself for the emotional mess she'd gotten herself into.

She studied the night sky and nursed her drink, when a soft voice came from behind her.

“He asks about you, you know,” Liara spoke quietly. “Every time we talk, he wonders how you are and what you're doing.”

“I know,” Allie sighed, glancing at her friend. “You remind me of that every time we're at one of these things. Speaking of which, why are you here? I haven't seen you at a Spectre gathering before.”

“I have a nice agreement with several Spectres. We help each other out with information. As far as any of them know, I'm merely an agent for the Shadow Broker,” Liara winked.

Allie chuckled and leaned over on the railing, supporting her weight on her forearms. Her smile faded, though, as she thought about what Liara said, and had said every time they talked – Kaidan still asked about her. Maybe he hadn't moved on after all. Maybe he was waiting to see if she'd change her mind. Or maybe he tried to move on like she did and just couldn't, like she couldn't.

Or maybe he was just keeping tabs on her, much as one would ask after someone you used to serve with and fight beside.

She sighed and Liara rested her head on her friend's shoulder. “You should talk to him,” Liara advised.

“I don't think his date would approve,” Allie said, shaking her head. “Besides, I need to get going soon. I've got a mission coming up and I have to pack.”

“Another PR run?” Liara asked.

“Numbers are down,” Allie shrugged. “And I'm the best recruiting tool the Alliance has. People think that with the war being over, we don't really need as much of a military presence, that the budget should reflect more on rebuilding, but we still need troops to help with that effort and to dissuade looters. Not to mention there are still heretic cells out there and every once in a while some Cerberus nutjob will put in an appearance. The Alliance still needs troops and I'll probably do their recruiting until I die.”

Liara stood and gave Allie a warm smile, squeezing her arm gently before walking away. Allie turned her attention back to the night sky and found she was actually eager to get going again. She needed to stay busy otherwise she would dwell too much on the coulda/woulda/shoulda.

Allie emptied her glass and turned to leave, nearly colliding with Kaidan in the process. Her heart hammered in her chest and her mouth went dry as she took him in. This was the closest she'd been to him in a long time and she noticed there was a lot more grey in his hair now but he wore it well. His dress blues still fit him like a glove and the beard he sported suited him. She swallowed hard, heat pooling in her belly when he greeted her.

“Colonel Shepard.”

“Colonel Alenko.” She tried to smile and faltered when her response was met with a frown.

Kaidan took her empty glass from her hand and said, “Don't leave. I'll be right back.”

Allie started to tell him that she needed to go, but the older man hurried back inside before she could say anything. She checked the time and sighed – she had eight hours before she needed to be up and moving. She did tell Liara that she still needed to pack, but that was only a half-truth. Allie always kept a bag ready to go at all times, but there were a couple of things she still needed to get around. Plus she'd done a lot more strenuous things than a simple PR run on less than four hours of sleep, so she figured she'd wait and see what Kaidan was on about.

She turned back around, returning her attention on the stars that twinkled overhead. When she was a kid, she loved learning about astronomy and constellations. After she enlisted and started spending time on starships and flitting around the galaxy, it got pretty hard for her to keep track of what was what. Here on the Citadel, the pattern of the artificial sky seemed to be completely random. Still, it reminded her of being on a planet somewhere, just watching the stars as they flickered overhead. To her, there was nothing quite so beautiful as the night sky, far away from the lights and noise of cities and settlements.

Behind her, she heard Kaidan clear his throat. “Allie,” he said. His voice had a husky tone that made her go weak in the knees.

She gripped the balcony's edge a little tighter before turning around. “Kaidan,” she replied, unable to stop the small smile that quirked across her mouth.

“That's better,” he beamed, handing her another drink. “That last greeting was too formal and I didn't want to set that kind of tone for finally getting to talk to you.”

Allie's smile widened. _He wants to talk to me_ she thought. _Maybe we can start over, if I play my cards right_

Her smile faded, though, when she remembered she needed to be up early and if she started talking to Kaidan, there was a very real possibility that they'd lose track of time and she wouldn't have enough time to get ready for her mission, much less catch any sleep. And there was the matter of the attractive blonde who had spent all evening by Kaidan's side.

“Kaidan, I... Thanks for the drink, but I really can't stay much longer. I have an early morning.”

“Oh.” His disappointment was obvious and Allie had to press her lips together to keep from changing her mind. “Well, before you leave, could I ask you for a small favor?”

“I guess?” Allie frowned and an ache flickered in her heart. She wondered if this was why Kaidan wanted to catch up with her – not for something personal or to maybe try and renew their friendship but because she was just the means to an end for him.

Kaidan moved next to her and leaned against the railing, propping his weight on an elbow. “Remember my biotic spec ops?” Allie nodded, so he continued, “I still do that. I don't do many missions for the Alliance anymore and the Council really doesn't throw much Spectre work my way, either. Every once in a while, though, I get called away and I usually have a regular substitute come in and take over.”

Allie's eyebrow twitched as she pieced together where this might be going. Kaidan sighed and took a drink and said, “I have something coming up and I can't miss it but my sub isn't available either. Is there any chance I can talk you into taking over my classes for a little bit?”

Allie cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. “Me? Teach? You're kidding, right? Kaidan, other than the requisite military briefings and training we have to do, I've never taught a thing in my life. There has to be a better choice than me.”

“You might not be a teacher, Allie, not like I am, but you're one hell of a mentor and that's kind of the same thing. I mean, look at all the people you've helped and guided. Besides, I'll have the lesson plans already done, you just need to make sure they do what they're supposed to do and not kill themselves in the process.” Kaidan gestured with his hands as he spoke, and his voice got a bit louder, leading Allie to believe he was kind of desperate.

She took a deep breath, trying to quell the hurt in her heart that he was not only talking to her because he needed her help, but that she was a last resort, too. _I shouldn't be mad,_ she closed her eyes and chided herself. _It isn't like you have the strongest track record for being his friend._

Allie pursed her lips and thought for a few moments. “Why _me_ though?” she asked. “Doesn't your school or academy or whatever have other teachers who can fill in?”

“One, because you're one of the most powerful biotics I know. Two, you have more combat experience and have seen and done more things than most people in the Alliance combined.” Kaidan used his fingers to count along, “three, like I said, you're an amazing mentor and I know you'd take care of these kids and do right by them. Four, it'll be a nice change of pace from PR.” He gave her a sly smile and added, “I remember how much you hated doing that stuff after we took care of Saren.”

Allie shook her head and rolled her eyes. Kaidan chuckled and cleared his throat before continuing, “Five, sometimes they don't take what I have to say as seriously as they should, and hearing it from you might help that along a little. And six...”

Kaidan ran his fingers through his hair and pressed his lips together, his eyes helping him plead his case. “...I'd prefer _you_ over whatever subs are available at the academy.”

Allie still didn't answer. There had to be more to it than this. Suddenly, her eyes narrowed. “Did Liara put you up to this?”

Kaidan seemed genuinely confused. “Put me up to it? You make it sound like there's some nefarious plot being hatched behind your back. The last time she and I talked, I told her what was going on and she suggested I reach out to you. I was going to send you a message, but I wasn't sure you'd get it, or respond.”

His tone wasn't accusatory. Instead, Allie could hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice. It was like a punch in the gut - a well-deserved punch in the gut, to be honest. If Kaidan had sent her a message, there was a really good chance she would have ignored it or deleted it without even looking at it and she hated herself all over again for breaking his heart and then pushing him away.

“I'm sorry,” he murmured, looking at his glass. “You didn't deserve that. I know you've been busy.”

Allie didn't answer right away. After several moments of silence, Kaidan took her speechlessness for a 'no' because he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, at least I tried. If you don't ask, the answer's always no, right?”

He gave her a sad smile and moved past her to step back inside. “Kaidan, wait,” Allie said, turning after him. “When would you need me?”

“In about three weeks,” he said, glancing over his shoulder.

Three weeks... Allie mulled it over in her head. This current PR run was only supposed to take one week, two tops. After that, she had about a week of downtime before she needed to be out and about again.

“And for how long?”

Kaidan turned back around and Allie could see the hope on his face, his eyes pleading with her to help him out. “Just a few days, maybe a week.”

Allie crossed her arms over her stomach and gave Kaidan a slight nod. “Yeah, I think I could do it.”

“Really? Allie, you have no idea how much you're helping me out.” He took a couple of steps toward her and for a moment, she thought he might hug her and was disappointed when he composed himself and took a step back. “I'll email you the lesson plans and stuff and we can set up a time to go over everything, ok?”

“Sure, sounds good.” Allie's heart hammered in her chest when Kaidan gave her the biggest smile she'd seen on him in ages. His smiles always melted her heart, with the way his eyes twinkled and danced and the way the corners of his eyes crinkled.

After a few awkward moments of silence, Kaidan finally turned to leave. “Oh, and Allie?” he said quietly, glancing at her over his shoulder. “It was really good to see you again.”

He hurried away before she could say anything but she wasn't disappointed. After all the years she spent avoiding him or pushing him away until he finally just gave up, all the times that she wanted to reach out and just didn't because she figured he hated her or just didn't want anything to do with her or had moved on, and here he was, offering her an olive branch and a chance to put the past behind them.

Her thoughts went to the man who had been by Kaidan's side earlier and her heart sank just a little. If all they could be was friends, Allie would be ok with that. She didn't realize just how much she missed Kaidan until that brief conversation. She'd rather have him back in her life as at least a friend rather than not at all.


	2. Colors and Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie is keen to go over Kaidan's lesson plans with him, but it doesn't go as well as she'd hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Chapter 2! Thank you for the comments on the last chapter - it made me so much more excited to get this one posted. Let me know what you think!

The PR run went about as Allie expected it would – The Normandy docked at whatever colony or settlement she was supposed to be at, the press was there, she did some meet and greets and got her picture taken with fans all the while talking about how the Alliance really needed help with the rebuilding efforts. Once in a while, Hackett would send her someplace nearby to root out potential Cerberus cells or merc groups, but that didn't happen often. As much as Allie hated being used as a recruiting tool, she had to admit it was a lot better (and safer) than staring down a massive Reaper or taking on a slew of Banshees.

She grabbed a bottle of water from the mess, then sat at a table to message Kaidan that she was on her way back. When she hit 'send', butterflies filled her stomach and her hands trembled at the idea of working with him again. She didn't know anyone who was a teacher and she had never laid eyes on a lesson plan in her life. She wondered if maybe she was biting off more than she could chew. Allie shook her head and thought, “If Kaidan didn't think you could do this, he wouldn't have asked.” She stared at her computer screen and wondered if the plans might look anything like the outlines she used to put together when she was a younger recruit and had to do blocks of instruction for her compatriots when they had downtime. If they weren't on active missions, they were still always training, whether it was a review of how to properly maintain your weapons or more intensive classes on combat medical procedures. The Training Officer assigned a class to someone and they had to submit what amounted to an outline for review and approval. The outline was usually fairly simple – what the goal of the class was, some of the things they'd be going over to achieve that goal, practical applications, a review, and then the group would discuss how the class was good and what could have been done differently.

Kaidan didn't take long to get back to her and she smiled when she read his message -

_Hey, Allie! I'm glad things went well. I attached the plans for that week – they're pretty straightforward, but I still think we should sit down together and look over them, in case you have any questions. I can also bring you up to speed on my classes and each student's strengths and weaknesses. What do you say to dinner at my place when you get back?_

Allie's heart leapt into her throat and she tried not to read too much into his message. The last she knew, he was dating that blonde she saw him with when they talked. Hell, they could even be living together. No, this wasn't a date. This was just two people _friends again, maybe?_ getting together to go over some work-related things. She opened up the attachment and laughed when she saw Kaidan's lesson plans exactly mirrored the format they used in the Alliance for their training. It made sense, though, given that these were Alliance cadets she'd be teaching.

She leaned back in the seat and ran her fingers through her hair as she studied the plans. It seemed like the week would be spent reviewing things Kaidan had taught them. She wondered if there were exams coming up or if he didn't want to overwhelm her. Each day focused on two biotic skills – day one was Throw and Lift, followed by Stasis and Barrier. Day three had her reviewing Cryo Blast and Slam, then Warp and Shockwave, and finally Charge and Nova. Kaidan's daily notes were highlighted by suggesting the occasional use of Overload, and Allie wondered what types of biotics Kaidan had in his class. If he was talking about Overload, there had to be a Sentinel or two among them, as well as some Vanguards since they were looking at Charge.

Allie started typing a reply, wanting to ask about the classroom makeup when she realized she could just ask him about it when they got together. She grabbed a datapad and jotted down the things she was unsure of as she studied the notes he sent. The more she studied the list, the more concerned she got when she realized that she and Kaidan used a lot of these abilities to trigger explosions while they were fighting the Reapers. She made a huge note on her list to check with him about safety precautions, too.

She let out a small sigh of relief, realizing that this might be easier than she thought. Hell, she faced down Reapers and won and if Kaidan didn't think she could do it, he wouldn't have asked. Her initial trepidation about being able to successfully fill in for him while he was out was quickly being replaced by a growing confidence that she could pull this off. The only thing she wasn't so confident in was being able to maintain her composure when they met for dinner.

* * *

When the Normandy docked, Allie shot Kaidan a quick message to let him know she was back in town and to let her know when he wanted to get together. They had about a week before he needed to leave, so she knew they wouldn't be pressed for time. Still, she was surprised when his response came back right away -

_I'm glad you made it back in one piece and that everything was uneventful. If it works for you, how does tomorrow night sound? That way you can have some time to yourself to unwind and decompress. I know how much you love doing those PR runs. :D_

Allie just chuckled and shook her head. It was nice to see that some things hadn't changed over the years. She missed how his banter reflected how well he knew her. She messaged back and said that yes, tomorrow night was fine and to just let her know where and when.

She was glad Kaidan hadn't suggested they get together that night – she had to meet with her Alliance handler to go over the next PR run and plan of attack, followed by a meeting with humanity's newest councilor to discuss some upcoming Spectre stuff she wanted Allie to work on. Then there were reports and requisition requests plus a few promotion packets and training schedules and...

Allie sat in her apartment, surrounded by datapads and a couple of empty beer bottles. She leaned back on the couch and sighed, draining bottle number seven, if a quick glance around the coffee table was accurate. Fortunately, she told everyone she met with that day that she was absolutely unavailable the next day. She didn't want to get tied up in meetings or briefings and have anything run too late and conflict with her date with Kaidan.

_Not a date,_ she chastised herself again. _You're lucky he's even talking to you right now, so just be thankful for that._

She took another look around the table at the empty beer bottles and shot him another quick message 

_You need me to bring anything tomorrow night? Dessert? Drinks?_

She sent it off and moved the empties to the kitchen counter to be rinsed and recycled then gathered up her datapads. Even with how much of her time was spent in meetings that day, she managed to get a lot of her paperwork done. She still had a couple of promotion packets to review and sign off on, but other than that, all the other Ts had been crossed and Is dotted. She leaned back on the couch again, a satisfied smile slowly spreading across her lips. Her smile only got wider when her omnitool pinged with Kaidan's response -

_I won't tell you what I was thinking when you offered dessert. ;) As far as drinks go, you know I'll never turn down a good Canadian lager, if you can find one. See you tomorrow night._

Allie raised an eyebrow when she read his response for a third time. Her heart fluttered in her chest when she focused on his remark about dessert. Was he flirting with her? She took a shaky breath and tried to still nerves she hadn't realized were acting up a little. She shook her head, not willing to allow herself the chance to think that, after all this time, he would be willing to let bygones be bygones and maybe start over.

* * *

Allie didn't usually spend her downtime being lazy and doing nothing, but that was exactly what she did the next day. She hit her snooze button not just once, but three times before rolling out of bed to do her daily workout. Then it was a nice long shower followed by a leisurely breakfast while quickly drinking through a second pot of coffee. Then she set an alarm to remind her to start getting ready for her date (meeting!) with Kaidan in case she fell asleep or got wrapped up in whatever she decided to do next. She plopped on the couch and started flipping through the hundreds of TV channels before settling on one that just played the sounds of a thunderstorm. Allie smiled and decided to dim the lights in the apartment and work on the rest of the paperwork she hadn't gotten to the night before, letting her mind think that she was somewhere other than the Citadel, sitting on a porch while Mother Nature put on her own sound and light show.

By the time her alarm went off, she managed to finish the promotion packets she didn't get to the night before, washed her breakfast dishes, and did some light cleaning around the apartment. She turned off her alarm and stood in her bedroom, trying to decide what to wear. It was just a simple dinner at Kaidan's place, so jeans and a nice shirt should suffice. She quickly changed from the pajamas she allowed herself to laze about in, ran a brush through her hair, and contemplated her face.

Allie didn't usually wear a lot of make up and today she had yet to put any on. She wasn't ugly by any stretch of the imagination, but she had nice eyes that she liked to highlight and she thought her lips were her best feature. She rifled through her makeup bag and carefully applied a thin line of black eyeliner to her upper lid and a bit of mauve lipstick to her lips. She stepped back and studied her reflection – she looked nice, but not like she was trying too hard. Satisfied, she slipped a pair of ballet flats on, grabbed her laptop case, and hurried out the door, determined to grab Kaidan some of that Canadian lager he asked for.

Finding the beer turned out to be harder than Allie thought it would. She remembered Kaidan was able to find it with ease during the war, which surprised her considering how hard it was to get a lot of 'nice' supplies like that. When the fifth place she checked looked at her like she was crazy, she called Liara for some help.

“There has to be someone around here who sells it!” she complained when her friend answered.

“Relax, Shepard, let me see what I can find.” There were a few moments of silence as Liara did her thing on the other end. “Ok, so it looks like part of the problem is that there hasn't been much demand for it. Plus the price never really went down as things got rebuilt, so it's just become more expensive to carry than it used to. Don't worry, though, I know a guy who knows a guy.”

She sent her friend an address of a nearby bar and told her to look for a volus who would have what she was looking for. “Don't worry about paying him,” Liara added. “Just tell him the Shadow Broker will consider his debt paid in full. And Shepard? I'm glad you and Kaidan are finally talking.”

The asari ended the call before Allie could say anything, so she just sighed and shook her head. She hurried to the address Liara gave her and was met at the door by a nervous volus who demanded numerous assurances that the Shadow Broker would leave him alone before finally handing over a full case of Kaidan's favorite beer.

Allie hailed a cab, praying the delay in finding the beer wouldn't make her too late. She hoped to just find a six-pack, but she had a feeling Kaidan wouldn't turn down an entire case. She wondered if he had as much trouble finding the stuff as she just did. It would explain why he said, “if you can find it” when she asked about what to bring.

Allie had never been to Kaidan's place before. She had an idea where he lived and she probably could have known more if she bothered to do some digging, but the truth was she didn't want to know how well he was probably doing without her. She mentally chastised herself again, reminding herself that she had no one else to blame for not having him in her life anymore.

Kaidan's apartment building was in a nice part of the ward – nothing too flashy to announce there was someone of minor fame living there, but not so rundown as to invite thugs and lowlifes to hang around the front door. Inside seemed set up almost like a hotel, complete with a front desk, concierge, and a bellhop. The bellhop hurried to her side and offered to carry Allie's package,but she politely refused. The young man seemed disappointed, but other than that, no one paid any attention to her as she walked to the elevator; either they already knew who she was and that she was expected or they weren't too worried about people being there who weren't supposed to be.

She took a deep breath and pressed the button, trying to calm the butterflies that hit her stomach out of nowhere. “It's dinner, Allie,” she muttered to herself, trying to keep her nerves at bay, “not the damned Inquisition.”

“Hey, you're early,” Kaidan grinned when he opened the door.

“I usually am,” Allie smiled and held out the case of beer.

“Oh, my god,” he exclaimed, grabbing it from her, “you actually found some! I've been looking for months and haven't been able to get any!”

“Really?” Allie was thrilled at his excitement. “I didn't realize you didn't have any. I thought you were joking when you said about me being able to find some.”

She followed him down a short hallway, slipped out of her shoes when she noticed he was in his bare feet, and set her bag by her shoes. “And it's cold,” he laughed, opening the case.

“Well, it was when I got it,” Allie shrugged and looked around at Kaidan's home. To her right was the kitchen, where Kaidan was happily opening the case of beloved beverages. The fridge, sink, cupboards, and some counter were on the one wall. The stove (which held several pans with stuff in them that smelled fantastic) and more counters were opposite that. In front of that space was a longer counter where Allie guessed was a place to sit and converse with whomever was cooking. In front of her, Allie could see the end of a couch and some pictures and commendations hanging on the wall. Behind the stove seating area was a divider beyond which she could see a large table, indicating that was the dining room. It was a nice place and seemed well-suited for the Kaidan she used to know. She moved a little closer to the living room, wanting to investigate his living situation a little further – did he have pictures of himself with that blonde she saw him with? Or another significant other? Kaidan's voice stopped her in her tracks, though.

“Do you want some?” he asked, handing her an open bottle.

“Sure,” she shrugged, turning back to the kitchen. “Just don't yell at me for drinking it all when you finally run out.”

Kaidan laughed and gestured to the far side of the stove. Allie took a seat and a swig from the bottle. “Hm, this isn't bad,” she mused. “So, what's on the menu for tonight? Canadian delicacy of some sort?”

“Not bad?” Kaidan scoffed, moving the case to a counter next to the sink behind him. “This is the food of the gods!” He drained half his bottle before turning his attention back to the food on the stove. “As far as the menu goes, there's beef and bacon here,” he gestured to a pan on front of him. “Asparagus here,” he nodded to another pan,” and potatoes in the oven.”

“Meat, potatoes, and Canadian lager,” Allie said solemnly. “It feels like I'm back in Vancouver. All we need now is some random moose to wander by the window.”

“If that happened, I think the keepers would lose their collective minds,” he laughed, turning his attention back to his cooking.

“You, uh, you sure you know what you're doing there?” Allie couldn't help but tease the man.

Kaidan raised his eyes and quirked his eyebrow at her, a hint of a smile flickered across his lips. “Relax,” he assured her. “It's gonna be great.”

Allie felt far less uncomfortable than she thought she would. Then again, 85% - no, probably closer to 98% - of whatever awkwardness she felt before was all on her to begin with. So she leaned forward across the counter a little and continued her ribbing.

“So, remember how I saved the Citadel?” she asked, taking a swig of her beer. “And then – you weren't there – I survived a suicide mission? I took down the Reapers, too, remember? All these close calls I've had, only to be taken out by dinner.” She paused a moment before adding, “Can it at least be quick and painless?”

Kaidan tried frowning, but Allie could see the twinkle in his eyes. She grinned as he shook his head at her. “Funny,” he smirked. “You think I hauled your butt out of the fire all those times just to poison you here, now?”

“Well, you know, I've seen and done some weird shit, Kaidan. I've gotta figure anything's possible.” Her grin widened when he chuckled at her. She had to admit she missed this, his company, the easy banter they used to share. Her grin faded when she wondered what else she might have missed out on when she told him 'no' during the war.

“So, you like to cook?” Kaidan cleared his throat and leaned against the sink, reaching in the case for another drink..

“Roommate on Arcturus showed me,” Allie shrugged, “He said eating cafeteria crap 24/7 was bad for morale.”

“Is there anything you're bad at?” Kaidan laughed and handed her another bottle.

“Who said I was good at it?” Allie smirked and accepted the offered beverage. “You just asked if I liked to.”

“Touché,” Kaidan responded. He leaned forward and they clinked their bottles together.

“What about you? Where'd you learn to cook?” Allie asked.

“Classes at Jump Zero, believe it or not. They didn't keep the cafeteria open all the time, so young biotics who couldn't cook for themselves risked starving.”

“Did you pass?” Allie sniffed. “You're burning the garlic.”

Kaidan jumped at Allie's words and hurriedly flipped the steaks. “I guess I'm a little distracted.”

Allie felt her face grow hot when Kaidan quirked his eyebrow at her again, the look on his face turning more serious. She cleared her throat and ran her finger through the condensation gathering on the green glass. “Distracted?” she asked, not sure if she was reading his signals correctly. “You worried about your boyfriend or something?”

Kaidan paused what he was doing and frowned. “My boyfriend? I'm not seeing anyone, Allie. What on earth gave you that idea?”

Allie's heart soared for a moment at the admission that he might be available, but was quickly tempered at the memory of Hot Blonde on his arm. “Well, the night you asked me to sub for you, there was a really good-looking guy with you who wasn't acting like he was just a friend.”

Kaidan looked confused for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Oh, Liam! Damn, I almost forgot about that. No, Liam isn't my boyfriend. He's my neighbor. I mean, we did try dating for a while but it didn't work out. He likes to tag along to those things if I think I'll need protection.”

“Protection? You? You've got to be kidding.” Allie hopped down from her seat, placed her empty bottle by the others and added, “Do you mind?” when she grabbed her third.

“No, help yourself,” Kaidan shrugged, grabbing plates and silverware. “And yes, protection. You mean to tell me you don't get hit on when you go out or go to those Alliance and Council parties?”

“Not really. I mean, I did at first, when the war was first over,” she admitted, “but I've developed Resting Bitch Face, so people tend to leave me alone. That and I stick to the shadows anymore. And I leave myself a way out.”

“Well, you'll have to teach me your tricks sometime,” Kaidan said as he plated their food. “Sometimes I get left alone, but usually I get pestered for my contact info or interviews or whatever. My students think it's hysterical. Me, not so much. So Liam comes along with me to deter those who might otherwise infringe upon my personal space.”

“So, just a friend, then?” Allie asked, trying hard to not get her hopes up but failing miserably.

“Just a friend,” Kaidan affirmed, setting her plate in front of her. “Your insurance is up-to-date, right? Just in case this actually goes south and you die of botulism or something.”

“I trust your cooking,” Allie laughed. “At least, I think I do.”

They ate their meal in relative silence and Allie had to admit, it was some of the best food she'd had in a while. “This is really good,” she said between mouthfuls, “I'm impressed.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan replied. “I'm an enigma. I've got skills. And don't be afraid to grab more. I made plenty because, you know, biotics and all.”

Allie didn't have to be told twice. When she finished her first plate, she hopped down and loaded up on seconds. Then thirds. “You won't have any leftovers,” Allie apologized.

“Don't worry about it,” Kaidan assured her. “I was keeping up with you. And it isn't like I don't know how much food you and I can put away. I was ready for it.”

He gave her a wink and pulled an apple pie from the oven. “I've got vanilla ice cream in my freezer, too. It's still your favorite, right?”

Allie's cheeks flushed and she pressed her lips together when she nodded. She couldn't believe after all this time, he not only remembered her favorite dessert but he also had some for her. “I can't believe I couldn't smell that,” she commented as he cut the pie. She narrowed her eyes and asked, “Did you make it?”

“Would you believe me if I told you I did?” he asked.

Allie pursed her lips and frowned. “Probably,” she finally admitted. “Dinner was amazing, so I wouldn't put it past you to be able to bake, too.”

“Well, I wish I could take the credit for it, but I didn't make it,” Kaidan admitted. “There's a bakery just off campus. I had them par-bake it and I finished it off before I started dinner. You probably didn't smell it because of the other stuff I made.”

He placed a slice of pie in a large bowl and added a healthy scoop of ice cream on top. “It isn't out-of-the-oven hot, but I did keep it warm, so it shouldn't be too bad.”

“Kaidan, I'd eat this if the pie was stone cold from the fridge,” Allie said, diving into her dessert. She finished it in about four bites and noticed Kaidan was staring at her with a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips. She paused mid-chew and felt her cheeks grow hot.

“Do I have something on my face?” she swallowed and dabbed the edges of her lips with her napkin.

“No,” Kaidan shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck, turning his attention back to his own bowl. “I just...”

His smile faded and he sighed. “There's nothing on your face. It's just nice to see you enjoy yourself. That's all. Do you want to look at the lesson plans now or did you want more to eat?”

Allie suddenly felt like she'd done something wrong and an ache gripped her gut. Her mind raced, trying to figure out if she'd said something that upset him. Maybe she shouldn't have asked about Liam, or maybe he was actually upset with how much she ate. Was he mad about her teasing? He played along with it... She pressed her lips together and hung her head for a moment before answering. “No,” she murmured, standing with her empty plate. “I'm good for now. Do you want me to help you clear off the dishes first or something?”

“No,” he answered, taking her plate from her. “It'll give me something to do later. Come on, we can go over everything in the living room.”

Allie grabbed her bag from the hall and followed Kaidan to the couch. He sat close to her, their knees brushing together as he verbally reviewed everything he sent, right down to the seating chart. She fought the urge to move away, certain that his intimacy was now just for show. Her heart ached at the idea that she'd misread his signals and that her initial thoughts were right – he wasn't interested in anything more than her help in covering his classes while he was gone. She only half-listened while her brain battled with her heart about the situation she found herself in now. Somewhere in the back of her mind, though, she remembered to ask him about the biotic combos.

“It's all carefully supervised,” he assured her. “I've always got a medical team on standby when we do those classes. It's the kind of thing they need to learn in a controlled environment. Better for them to screw up now, while they're training, than in the field when it might cost someone their life.”

Allie couldn't argue that logic. Still, the idea of literal kids knowing how to blow stuff up unsettled her. Maybe she'd change her mind after meeting them. Kaidan also explained that he really didn't have assigned seating, but the chart was to show her where each student preferred to sit. “They have a tendency to mess with new subs,” he chuckled. “They think it's funny to let them think they're someone else for a bit.”

“So they don't know I'll be there?” she asked.

“Not a clue,” he grinned.

“Well, I guess they'll be in for a surprise when I walk into class that first day, then, huh?” Allie forced a smile, suddenly eager to make her getaway.

“Yeah, about that. I had something else in mind for you to meet the kids. When was the last time you were at Armax?” Kaidan turned toward her and leaned back a little.

Allie pursed her lips and thought about it. “It's probably been a few months. Why? Did someone finally beat my high score?”

“No, _our_ high score is perfectly safe,” he smirked. “You, me, and Vega got that, remember?”

“Yeah, but who's name is on it?” she grinned. “You're right, though,” she quickly added, not wanting to upset or offend him any more than she thought she already did. “It was a team effort.”

For the millionth time that evening, Allie's cheeks flushed under the intensity of Kaidan's gaze. She looked away and took a drink from her beer. “Why do you want to know?” she asked.

“You know about the PvP matches they added? You can go in against another group of people and fight each other. It's like high-tech laser tag.”

“I remember when they announced that,” she nodded. “I thought it was a bad idea. I'm honestly surprised no one's been hurt or worse.”

“They're really stringent about the safety for it,” Kaidan admitted. “But what I was thinking was you and me against the students.”

Allie looked at him in disbelief. “You and me? Against a bunch of kids? Kaidan, we'll wipe the floor with them. Besides, they'll know it's me. I have my N7 rank on all of my armor. There weren't many N7s before the war. Even now, with extra recruiting, there aren't many of us around.”

“Don't underestimate these guys,” Kaidan admonished her. “I think they'll surprise you. There are fourteen of them, remember, and only two of us. It will also give you a chance to see them in action, so if you need to tweak my plans any, you'll have a better idea what to focus on. And we can just cover your N7 up with some hundred-mile-an-hour tape. It'll be fun. Trust me!” he added when she frowned.

Allie pressed her lips together and considered Kaidan's idea. She learned the hard way (several times, actually) to not underestimate anyone she went up against. She remembered back to when Kaidan told her about BAaT and Vyrnnus – up until that point, she would never have believed a seventeen year old would be capable of that kind of power. And if Kaidan thought it would be fun or a good idea or whatever, she had no reason to not believe him. There was also the added benefit of working right next to him again. The two of them were nearly unstoppable when they fought together years ago. A lot of time had passed, though. There was a lot less fighting on both of their parts nowadays and so much time had gone by...

“Kaidan, it's been a long time since we worked together like that,” Allie cocked her head at him.

“I know,” he agreed, “so you and I should probably head there beforehand and find our rhythm again.”

“What, like show up a few hours before the kids?”

“Only you would want to head to Armax at oh-dark-thirty,” Kaidan laughed. “No, I was thinking maybe a day or two before I leave. I don't think we'll need to do more than a few rounds. We used to work so well together, I think it'll just all come right back once we get started.”

Allie stared at her hands as she twisted her fingers together. She had to admit she loved the idea of him introducing her as the new substitute teacher this way and she'd have been lying if she said she didn't miss fighting alongside him. Hell, she missed him, period, and not just romantically, either. Before Mars, before Horizon, they had an easy friendship. They teased each other, helped each other, supported each other. He was the one person Allie knew she could lean on without fear of judgment or repercussions. Having that again tonight, even if it was just for a few hours, meant the world to her.

She still felt like she'd done something to put him off and ruined what had been a perfectly good get-together, but if it was one thing she learned during the time she spent chasing Saren, the Collectors, and stopping the Reaper cycles, it was that life was too short. She didn't want to wake up tomorrow and regret not taking advantage of spending as much time with him now as possible. If she did something to upset him, he was still offering her the chance to spend more time with him and that was something she couldn't bring herself to pass up.

“All right, Kaidan,” she smiled. “Book us a suite and let me know what time.” Even if things went back to they way they were before, with each of them shuttered off in their own lives and she never saw him again outside of official business, she wanted to grab whatever time she could get with him now and hold on to it for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hundred-mile-an-hour tape is military jargon for duct tape.


	3. Heart Beats Fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Armax time! It's been years since Allie and Kaidan fought together, and she hopes they're able to find their rhythm again, in more ways than one.

Allie showed up at Armax a little earlier than Kaidan had said to meet. Her idea was to be completely changed into her armor before he showed up to avoid any chance of making things awkward like she managed to do when they had dinner. Her mistake was in not thinking about the fact that Kaidan knew it was always her habit to be early.

She checked in at the desk where the staff was more than happy to see her “The guys even started taking bets about whether or not you and Spectre Alenko will beat your own high scores,” one of the turians winked.

“We aren't here for that,” she laughed and took her locker key. “We're just doing some training.”

“Right. Training,” he winked again. “At any rate, Colonel, you know where the lockers are and how things go here. Play safe!”

Allie gave a friendly wave and disappeared around the corner, eager to get changed. She kicked off her shoes and started stripping down to her undergarments, carefully folding her clothes and placing them in her locker when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

“I somehow knew that even if I tried to be earlier than you, you'd still beat me here.” Allie glanced over her shoulder and saw Kaidan standing in the doorway, his bag slung over his shoulder and his eyes roving her body. Heat flushed her cheeks as she fought the urge to cover herself. After all, it was a co-ed locker room, she'd changed in front of the 'menfolk' before, and it wasn't like it was anything he hadn't seen before. Still, she wondered how long he'd been standing there, watching her.

“You know me,” she said quietly as she grabbed her undersuit, “early is on time.”

“And on time is late,” Kaidan finished her mantra for her and took a spot opposite of her but down a little bit. Allie was quick to notice that she could give him discreet glances as he changed and wondered if he realized that when he chose that spot.

She watched as he mimicked her earlier movements – he sat on the bench and removed his shoes, placing them in the bottom of the locker. Next, his clothes came off and Allie's heart leapt in her throat when she saw he still wore boxer briefs. She almost forgot she was staring as she admired the way his muscles moved and flexed as he folded his civvies and set them neatly on the shelf in the locker. He never had the strict workout regimen that James did and even though he was in his forties, he still looked damn good. His abs weren't chiseled like they used to be, but the definition was definitely still there. His legs and arms were obviously not forgotten on gym day, either, as they flexed and contracted with each move he made.

While she admired the view, Allie caught Kaidan stealing glances at her, too. Each time their eyes met, they dropped their gazes and Allie felt herself blush like a kid in high school.

“You look good, Shepard,” Kaidan said quietly.

Allie looked at him, but he was focused on getting his leg armor strapped on. “Thanks. You do, too.”

“Thanks.” He pulled his chest plate over his head and deftly worked the straps and buckles. “It gets harder as you get older, plus with all the old injuries and stuff... well, I don't have to tell you. You probably have some bad PT days, too.”

“Yeah,” was all she said as she returned to getting herself ready. She might not be running a lot of combat missions anymore, but putting her armor on was still like second nature. She could do it blindfolded and with one hand tied behind her back.

Except for today. Today, her shoulder decided it wasn't going to cooperate and Allie couldn't quite reach behind her to buckle the clasp at her neck.

“Damn it,” she swore under her breath.

“Here, let me help,” Kaidan offered, reaching for the spot Allie couldn't quite get to. He hooked everything up easily and glanced over her armor, making sure she didn't miss anything. She did the same for him – force of habit, really, more than anything else.

“Thanks,” she murmured. His proximity made her heart pound in her chest so hard she was certain he could hear it.

“Don't mention it.” He gave her a warm smile and stepped back. “Are you sure you're ok to head out there? I mean, if your shoulder hurts...”

“I'll be fine,” Allie interrupted. “It just acts up once in a while and usually only when I'm trying to stretch further than I should.” Her tone was sharper than she intended and she had to turn away when she saw the hurt flicker across Kaidan's face.

“Right,” he muttered, reaching for his weapons. Allie watched him secure everything to his armor – pistol on his right hip, SMG at his lower back, assault rifle over his right shoulder. She worked her jaw a few times, wanting to apologize, but the words just wouldn't come out. Instead, she turned away from him and fixed her own weapons to her armor, the placements identical to Kaidan's only instead of an SMG was a shotgun.

“Well, let's do this,” he said to her over his shoulder before moving for the door.

Allie hung her head and pressed her lips together, hating that she was still being like this to him. Part of her wanted to blame mixed signals – he said he was single and it really seemed like he was flirting with her, but she couldn't shake the feeling that he was irritated with her somehow. Still, mixed signals were no reason for her to be snippy with him. She was ok with friendship, she just had to keep a tight rein on whatever flirtatious overtures her brain was tempted to make.

“Kaidan, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you,” she finally apologized.

“It's ok,” he replied, not looking at her. She watched him study the screen in front of him, looking over their available opponent choices as a familiar ache clamped around her chest at this repeat of last night's mood swing. Things seemed to be going great, they were getting along well only to have the mood suddenly shift because of something Allie said or did that upset him

“So, geth? Reapers? Cerberus?” Kaidan interrupted her thoughts, still cycling through their options.

“Whatever you want,” Allie cleared her throat and forced a smile. “This was your idea, so you pick.”

“Geth it is, then. And how about in the classic map? And I'll set it on the easier difficulty for now, too.”

“Sounds good,” Allie agreed and followed him out to the simulation room.

The first round went well. Almost _too_ well, Allie thought. They finished in under a minute and hadn't even broken a sweat. “Was that because we're that good or we just got lucky?” Kaidan grinned.

“I'd like to think we're that good,” Allie smirked, cradling her shotgun. “I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, though. I didn't even get to Charge anything.”

“Or use any of the combos we used to do. Your Charge was like a cure-all.”

He wasn't wrong. Her ground team could set up an enemy with any one of their special abilities and all Allie had to do was Charge into it and there would either be a snowstorm, lots of fire, or tons of electricity. “Yeah, good times,” she admitted. “I wonder how long it would take us to clear the next round not using our weapons.”

“I'm game,” Kaidan agreed, holstering his rifle. “What are you thinking? Some Cryo since you like the cold so much?”

Allie hoped he meant it as a joke about her preference for winter weather, but her heart ached at the thought that it might be a dig at how she kept him at arms length. “Sure,” she mumbled, latching her shotgun to her lower back. “Why not?”

She didn't miss the curious glance Kaidan shot her from under his visor. “I can use something else,” he started.

Allie didn't want him to think she was mad at him again, so she took a deep breath before answering. “Kaidan, seriously, Cryo is fine,” she smiled, hoping it looked more genuine than it felt.

The second round was only a tiny bit more difficult than the first. The pair easily fell into a damaging rhythm of an enemy being frozen solid before being shattered to pieces. Allie used her Nova and Shockwave if she found herself getting surrounded and Kaidan easily evaded encroaching enemies with his Overload and Reave.

“A minute fifteen,” he breathed when it was over. “Still not bad.”

Allie's heart skipped a beat when he pulled his helmet off. His hair was mussed and his face had a thin sheen of sweat on it. He dragged a gloved hand over his face and rolled his neck.

“What do you think? Another round, no weapons?” Allie asked, removing her own helmet.

“I don't know,” Kaidan mused, stroking his beard. “You know they not only throw more at you, but they get tougher.”

Allie felt her face flush under the scrutiny of his gaze and wondered if his heart was skipping around like hers was. She pressed her lips together, mentally chiding herself for getting her hopes up.

“I don't suppose you can turn the difficulty up?” she cleared her throat and looked around the empty room.

“No, I can't,” Kaidan shook his head. “Not until the match is done. I mean, we could start with no weapons and only use them as a last resort.”

“Let's do that, then,” Allie nodded. The five-second countdown sounded and they each replaced their helmets.

“You ready?” Kaidan asked as the first wave of geth spawned in.

“I was born ready,” she laughed, Charging into her first frozen target.

It took every ounce of willpower for Allie to not grab her shotgun from her back. She knew in the back of her mind that the simulation wouldn't _really_ hurt her, but being shoulder checked by a computer-generated geth Prime was still uncomfortable. Plus, there was a matter of her pride staying intact – she was willing to bet money she and Kaidan had an audience and she wanted to be able to say she finished another go without her weapon. A quick glance a Kaidan told her he was probably thinking the same thing – twice she watched as he reached for his pistol and stop himself, choosing to sprint and roll out of the way instead.

“Ok, I think we need our weapons for this last one,” she laughed when the round ended. “Unless you want to play more tag with those geth troopers.”

“Sure, laugh it up.” He tried sounding angry, but Allie could see the smile on his face. “Not all of us can Charge and be 50 meters away in the blink of an eye.”

“I've offered to teach you,” she shrugged, still laughing. “Did any of those shocker ones manage to tag you in the rear as you ran?”

“I'll never tell,” Kaidan huffed, still pretending to be offended. “I've got to admit, this has been fun so far.”

“Yeah,” Allie agreed. “We'll see if you still think that after this last round. I don't somehow think I'll be able to last without using ol' Painless here.” She gave her shotgun an affectionate pat.

“Agreed. Still, I think it'd be fun to see who has to use their weapon first. Loser buys dinner?”

“I don't know. When you lose, you might blame your inability to be 50 meters away in the blink of an eye.” Allie's stomach fluttered at the idea of having dinner with him again.

“_WHEN_ I lose? Oh, we'll see about that,” Kaidan stated.

“I'll tell you what,” Allie offered, replacing her helmet, “since you're at a disadvantage with me being able to Charge, I won't use it. We'll still be good with the detonations because I can Nova whatever you set up. How does that sound?”

“Sounds like you're giving yourself a way out for when you lose,” Kaidan smirked.

Allie just shook her head and laughed while they waited for the warning klaxon to sound.

Allie's heart dropped in her stomach when she spied two prime and two juggernaut units spawn in simultaneously and on opposite ends of the map. If the pair were using their weapons and treating this as an actual training sim instead of a game, she wouldn't have been too worried. It was the easiest setting, so they had minimal shields and health. Even so, getting hit by either of them would hurt. A lot. She Charged the first prime and kept her eyes peeled for the tell-tale shimmer of the hunters and the smoke trail from the rocket launchers while she worked to dispatch the big units. Her HUD kept track of their kill streaks and counted down when they got to under five enemies.

When the counter hit two, Allie could see that Kaidan was tangling with one of the shock troopers. Her eyes darted around the arena, looking for the last enemy. From the corner of her eye, Allie saw a shimmer come up behind Kaidan. Just as he dropped the geth in front of him, a hunter decloaked behind him.

“Kaidan, drop!” Allie yelled, pulling her rifle from her back. Kaidan fell to the ground immediately, rolling out of the way as Allie fired several three-round bursts at the final enemy. It flickered as it despawned and Allie hurried to Kaidan's side, stretching out her hand to help him to his feet.

“You ok?” she asked, pulling her helmet off and giving him a once over.

“Yeah, I'm good. Thanks for that,” he nodded, taking his own helmet off.

“Sure. I guess this means I lost the bet, though,” she sighed, sticking her rifle to her back. “That thing was just out of range of my Charge. I couldn't have gotten to it in time. It was either that or possibly feel bad as I watched it shoot you in the back.”

“_Possibly_ feel bad?” Kaidan smirked and quirked an eyebrow at her.

“Ok, yeah, I'd have felt at least a little bad,” Allie grinned and held her finger and thumb close together.

The pair chuckled a little and Allie had to admit she was having a good time. It wasn't just spending time killing simulated enemies at the arena – that was always fun for her – but the fact she was with Kaidan made it all more worthwhile. Her smile faded as she thought about how he sometimes seemed to be enjoying her company, then suddenly seemed like he wasn't. She wondered what he thought about that sobered him up so quickly. 

To be fair, she'd have probably reacted the same way – if the situation had been reversed, she could see herself getting caught up in the enjoyment of Kaidan's company, only to remember how he kept her at arm's length and all but pushed her away. If the situation had been reversed, she would have been trying damn hard to just take things at face value. Hell, she'd have been trying damn hard to not even expect much of a renewed friendship. Allie pressed her lips together, positively hating herself for allowing things with Kaidan to get to this point.

“Hello? Earth to Colonel Shepard? You in there?” Kaidan was peering at her with a frown on his face.

“What? Yeah, I'm here,” she sighed. “Just... thinking.”

Kaidan didn't say anything. He just gave her a look she knew meant he knew there was more to it than just 'thinking', but she was thankful he didn't press the issue.

“So, do you want to try again on a harder setting this time and maybe actually treat this like some serious training?” Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest and turned his gaze to the empty arena. “Or do you need to get going?”

Allie spun her helmet around her fingers and gave his offer some serious thought – this was the most fun she'd had in a while and she was eager to spend as much time with him as she could before they fell back into their habit of only seeing each other at official functions and not speaking at all in between. She didn't have anything real pressing to do...

“Shit, I do have to go over some training rosters and requisition requests for Vega and Cortez,” she groaned and shook her head.

“Is it something that can wait?” Kaidan sounded hopeful and again, Allie thought about what to do. The paperwork would always be there; hell, it seemed to multiply when no one was looking. The rosters were for a few weeks out and the stuff Steve needed could wait a few more hours. When it came down to it, Allie considered what she'd regret more – delayed paperwork or missing a chance to spend time with Kaidan?

“Yeah, I guess it can,” she smiled, pulling up her omnitool. “Just let me message them and let them know. I'll probably have to buy James some tequila for the inconvenience.”

“Is he still drinking that swill from that elcor shop?” Kaidan frowned.

“He claims it's the best stuff he's ever had. High praise from someone who can tell you what brand is in a bottle just by smelling it,” Allie shrugged. “I personally can't stand the stuff. It's like drinking kerosene.”

“Just give me a beer, some whiskey, or that fruity stuff you like to drink.” Kaidan walked to the locker room door and opened the arena's match interface. “So, since that was too easy, do you want to do the challenging one next? Same map, same enemies, just a harder difficulty?”

“As long as I can use my weapons this time,” Allie shrugged, pulling ol' Painless from her back.

The first round was like coming home. The geth were tough, like the ones Allie remembered fighting years ago. She came close to getting knocked on her ass a couple of times, but Kaidan had her back. The second round had her returning the favor as Kaidan kept finding himself swarmed by shock troopers and hunters. By the time the third round started, the adrenaline was coursing through Allie's veins. She bounced on her feet while lining up her next Charge and time seemed to slow when she brought her fist around to slam into the ground. A quick glance at Kaidan showed he was in the zone just as much as she was, calling out targets he froze and rolling out of the way if he was too close to her Shockwave.

As they cleared each round, though, Allie was finding it more difficult to compartmentalize her thoughts – every time she looked at him, her heart pounded in her chest like it did when they were on the SR-1. She could picture his muscles flexing as he moved, the control and determination on his face as he used his biotics. She wondered how bad it would be if she just talked to him to see how open he'd be to starting over - date night once in a while, holding hands and snuggling on a couch, calling each other when a mission was done – little things to get to know each other again. Then she remembered how the look on his face kept changing – like he was enjoying her company and conversation but then remembered that doing so was a bad idea. It had been over eight years since she rejected him and she never moved on; she wasn't sure what she'd do if she reached out and he shot her down.

“Allie! Duck!” The fear in Kaidan's voice shocked Allie out of her thoughts, where she had the presence of mind to do as Kaidan said and dropped to the ground, narrowly avoiding being taken out by a rocket.

“Oops,” she muttered to herself, hopping back to her feet and Charging the offending geth. “That almost sucked.”

“Like a vacuum,” Kaidan's voice came over the comms, heavy with concern. “Are you ok? It isn't like you to lose focus like that.”

“Yeah, I'm good. I just let my thoughts get away from me, that's all. Sorry.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw Kaidan turn his head in her direction before Overloading the shields on an approaching Juggernaut. “Well, how about if you get your thoughts over here and help me with this one. I think he's got a double dose of armor or shields or something.”

Allie threw a Reave at it and fired off a couple of rounds, wishing her Charge would cool down faster. “You know, I think I'm Charging more now than I did when we weren't using our weapons,” she said, ducking behind a rock.

“Why? Is your amp getting hot?” Kaidan asked, throwing out another Reave and turning away from the resulting explosion.

“Not just that, but my recharge time seems to be taking longer.” Allie popped up and fired a few more rounds into the massive geth unit.

“Could just be that these guys are tougher. The last match they only had armor for us to work through. This time it's armor, shields, _and_ a barrier,” Kaidan noted, but Allie heard concern in his voice. “And remember that even though you Charge is damn good, it isn't effective against everything.”

“Maybe,” Allie shrugged. 

“You know, we're still doing pretty good,” Kaidan observed. “There are only seven left, we've got three minutes, and we're in the middle of a six-kill streak.”

“Well, let's not let that go to waste, then. I'm off.” Allie popped up and Charged into the Juggernaut, finally causing it to shimmer out of existence.

The final round only lasted half a minute longer. The lights came up in the arena as the last geth despawned in a flash of red and orange. Allie attached her shotgun to her back, pulled off her gloves and helmet and affixed them to her belt. “That was fun,” she grinned, running her fingers through her hair. “And I need a shower.”

“Same.” Kaidan removed his gloves and helmet and was sitting on one of the 'rocks' next to her. “So, do you think you're ready for the students?”

“Yeah.” Allie's heart was hammering a mile a minute and she knew it wasn't entirely from the match she and Kaidan just finished. She couldn't get over how _good_ he looked – that bump in his hair that was always 'just so' was mussed and out of place and looked adorable, his eyes twinkled when he smiled at her and there was something _hot_ about the tiny beads of sweat trickling down his face and disappearing into his beard. “If we could handle this,” she shook her head and tried to focus on more professional things, “I think your cadets will be in for a treat.”

Kaidan shifted over and patted the spot next to him, an invitation Allie took a split-second to accept. “The kids and I will come here from the academy,” he said. “We probably won't be here before 0900, so you should have plenty of time to get here and be ready.”

“Sounds good. And after?” It was hard for her to not move closer to him, 'accidentally' brushing their legs together or something. To keep her thoughts from wandering too much again, she picked at imaginary lint on her armor.

“We'll all travel together back to the classroom,” he answered. “I won't leave until you're comfortable with everything.”

“Sounds good. And the dinner I owe you?” Allie tried not to sound too hopeful about the bet she lost.

“I think that'll have to wait until I come back.” Did he sound upset? Allie shook her head, convinced she was hearing things. “You've got your paperwork to take care of tonight and if we wait until I get back, we can go over how things went while I was gone.”

“That's probably a good idea.” Allie tried to hide her own disappointment at the thought of having a working dinner with him. She reminded herself to just be happy with whatever time he was willing to spend with her. “And how do you want to do the 'unveiling'?” She over-exaggerated the air quotes and laughed as she said it.

“I've given that some thought and I have a couple of ideas,” Kaidan suggested, adjusting his seat. Allie swallowed hard when his leg brushed hers. “We could let the cat out of the bag right away or I could call your name while we're fighting. Accidentally, of course,” He winked. “I also thought about having the tape fall off your N7.” He sighed and shrugged. “What do you think?”

Allie's eyes were drawn to their legs and she knew it was all in her head, but she swore she could feel the heat from his pressed against hers just the same. “Uh,” she cleared her throat and willed herself not to move. “You said you were sticking around until you were sure I was comfortable, right?”

When Kaidan nodded, she continued, “So how about this? If they beat us, they find out here and they get the rest of the day off. If they lose, they have to wait until they get back to the classroom.”

Kaidan frowned and thought about her idea for a few moments. “If they win, are you sure you'd be ok just jumping in on Tuesday?”

“Yeah. And we could also tell them the early day is optional. We could head back to the classroom and let them play twenty questions.”

“You might regret that,” Kaidan laughed. “They'd probably keep you there until after dinner.”

“Eh, can't be worse than getting cornered by Al-Jilani,” Allie smirked. Kaidan made a face at the mention of their least favorite journalist. He stroked his beard as he considered Allie's suggestion.

“I actually like that,” he finally agreed. “The win, they get the day. They lose and they're stuck with both of us.”

He hopped off the rock and started for the locker room. “You coming?” he called over his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Allie answered, scooting off behind him. _I could think of worse fates than being stuck with you for the day,_ she thought to herself. _I just wish I knew if you felt the same._

She knew all she had to do was ask, to sit down with him and talk about things like two adults should do instead of playing this guessing game like a couple of teenagers. She knew she _should_ talk to him, but she knew she _wouldn't_ because she was afraid of what his response might be.

And that was heartache she didn't want to put herself through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know the Armax Arena doesn't work like that in the game, but you know there was a war... and the Citadel blew up... and businesses change how they do things.


	4. Time Stands Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, Allie and Kaidan are fighting side by side, this time against his students. Their chemistry is still undeniable, but does Allie finally talk to Kaidan about how she feels?

It was strange, sitting alone in the arena with nothing shooting at her and no one else around. Allie arrived at 0800, which was the time Kaidan said he'd be arriving at the school. She was more excited about this than she'd been about anything for a long time. The idea of Kaidan's students not knowing who she was made her determined to keep things under wraps, so she showed up a lot earlier than she knew she needed to. The arena staff had been instructed to keep her presence a secret, too, and they seemed to enjoy the fact that a group of (immensely lucky) kids was going to be fighting Colonel Shepard, savior of the galaxy, and didn't even know it.

Allie wandered around the empty arena, letting her thoughts wander to the war, when she and her friends and crew would come here to blow off steam. Jack, laughing like she was getting caught up on the years of fun Cerberus had stolen from her. Javik showing off a rare (if not scary) grin as he got a sort of vengeance for his fallen people. Garrus mumbling under his breath about calibrating everyone's damn weapons when they finished because people kept stealing his kills. Grunt letting loose that deep 'he he he' chuckle of his as he ran around, head-butting everything. And they day they beat Aria's high score...?

_”Aria isn't going to be to happy about that,” Allie observed when the VI announced the new high score. “It's probably a good thing I already secured the merc groups from her.”_

_She felt a hand clap on her shoulder and wasn't surprised to see it belonged to Kaidan. He'd removed his helmet and was grinning like a fool. 'It's for a good cause, though, so I'm sure she'll be ok with it.”_

_“You don't know Aria,” Allie laughed, but it was strained. It was still there, that undeniable chemistry between the two of them that made Allie go weak in the knees. Kaidan gave her one of his trademark smiles and butterflies swarmed in her stomach. Then she remembered the anger on his face on Horizon, the doubt in his voice on Mars, and the disbelief on his face during the coup. Sure, he _ said_ he wouldn't doubt her anymore, but was that true? How could he have questioned her loyalties only days (weeks, months) ago and now suddenly decide to trust her? She turned away from him, clearing her throat. “That was a good run,” she said. “I don't think anyone will be beating that score any time soon.”_

_“Thanks, Lola. That was fun. We need to do that again sometime.” Vega was beaming like a kid at Christmas._

_“Yeah, we should.” Allie glanced at Kaidan when he spoke and the hurt on his face was unmistakable. She pressed her lips together and turned toward the locker room before she gave in to her need to touch him and apologize. After all, he was the one who broke her heart and spent all those months not believing her, not believing _in_ her. It wasn't her fault if she had a hard time believing him now when he said he had her back._

Allie sighed and dragged her toe along the floor. It was stupid, really. She spent how many months after Horizon wishing she could prove to him that she hadn't changed, that she was still the same person he'd fallen in love with when they were going after Saren. All she wanted to do was talk to him, explain her side of the story. She wanted him to believe her – to have that same, unshakable faith– again and when he finally said he did, she didn't trust his words. She didn't want to let him in again only to have him change his mind later and decide she was a traitor who went against everything they stood for. So, she pushed him away, thinking it would be easier if they were just friends. It wasn't easier. If anything, it was harder because she missed him. She missed his friendship and his support. She missed his laughter and the way they joked around with each other. She missed the sound of his voice as he talked her to sleep on the nights when the nightmares were too much.

And now here she was, eight years later and the ache in her heart hadn't diminished at all. She, of all people, knew that life was too short to live with regrets, but that's what she did every day since she woke up in the hospital. She regretted telling him, 'no'. She regretted pushing him away and denying his friendship. She regretted not reaching out sooner once the war ended. And now, she was beginning to regret not sitting him down and telling him all of the things running through her mind.

“Because you're a fucking coward,” she mumbled to herself. For some stupid reason, she thought living with this regret and confusion about what Kaidan was thinking about her was easier than going through another broken heart if he rejected her.

One of the staff announced that Kaidan and his students arrived, so Allie quickly pushed her thoughts aside and slipped her helmet back on, making sure the tape still covered the N7 logo on her chest. She turned when she heard the arena doors hiss open, thankful that she finally had something to distract her from letting her memories and doubt get the better of her.

Kaidan strolled in first and gave her a huge grin when he saw her. The cadets all filed in behind him, each wearing Alliance issue standard armor with various weapons stuck to their backs and hips. The armor looked basic, but Allie had a feeling they each had mods on their armor and their weapons and that Kaidan probably paid for most of it out of his own pocket. She shook her head and chuckled when she realized that she'd have done the same thing. Hell, she did do the same thing for Kaidan and the rest of her crew for as long as she could remember.

The students stopped short when they saw the stranger in front of them, clad in some serious black armor accented with bright purple pinstriping. She watched as they huddled around each other, whispering and nodding in her direction before someone finally raised their hand.

“Um, Colonel? You didn't say there would be anyone else here.” The voice came from one of the students in the back – a young female, from the sounds of it, who looked like she barely weighed 90 pounds soaking wet. Allie bit back a laugh at the idea that this girl's armor probably weighed more than she did.

“Oh, I didn't?” Kaidan winked at Allie and turned to his class. “Must have slipped my mind. This is your substitute.”

The kids all looked at each other and gave Allie a wary collective gaze. Allie gave the kids a single nod and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Here's the deal,” Kaidan clasped his hands behind his back and paced in front of the group, “you guys will be going against the two of us. One round and one round only, no time limit. If you win, you find out who this is right away and you have the option of having the rest of the day off. If you lose, you have to wait until we get back to the academy and then you'll be stuck with both of us for the rest of the day.”

“_ALL_ of us?” Allie noticed that question came from one of the older kids in the front. Judging from his stance and tone, she guessed he was a de facto leader of the class. “All fourteen of us against just the two of you?”

A titter ran through the group and Kaidan clicked his tongue. “What have I told you about underestimating your opponents? Don't do it. Especially now. You guys have seen me in action, so you all know what I'm capable of. My friend here,” Kaidan gestured in Allie's direction, “you know nothing about. Are they a biotic? A soldier? What tech skills do they possess? You don't know any of this.”

He paused in front of the group and leveled a steady gaze at each one of them as he spoke. “I've never done anything like this for any of the classes I've ever taught. I hope this will be a good exercise for you guys to use what I've taught you for the past couple of years. You'll need to pull together as a team, to listen to each other, and to play on your strengths and overcome your weaknesses. I'm not going to lie, we aren't going to go easy on you and you guys are going to feel it. Any questions?”

“Do we get any prep time? I mean, when you run a combat mission, you at least get some intel about layout and enemy strength and whatnot, right?” The small female again. “It just seems a little unfair that you know everything about us...”

“But my friend knows nothing about any of you,” Kaidan interjected. “They know your names because I've gone over the roster, but other than that, they don't know which of you might be a Vanguard and which might be an adept.” 

“But you can tell them,” the student said.

“True, but I won't because then you can see how other people observe and adapt to battlefield situations. And while I do know everything about you guys and what you're capable of, you also know a great deal about me and what I can do, too.”

The students all seemed to accept Kaidan's promise and he nodded again. “I'll give you guys a few minutes to figure out a game plan before I start the match, ok? What you see here now is what you have to work with. No, you may not wander around and take a better look, Jones,” Kaidan cocked an eyebrow and frowned at a cadet who raised their hand. Allie laughed when Jones slowly lowered his hand after Kaidan called him out. “If this was a real fight, you wouldn't have that luxury, you aren't getting it now. Any other questions?”

When no one else raised a hand, Kaidan nodded. “Alright. I'll be over here. Don't take all day, either.”

The kids formed a huddle and started murmuring about how to handle Kaidan and his unknown companion. Allie smiled when she realized she was right about the older student being a sort of leader – the students all formed a semi-circle around him and his was pointing and gesturing. She wanted to ask Kaidan about him, but she didn't want him to have to break the promise he made about not revealing any info about them to her.

“So, what do you think?” Kaidan asked.

“I think you've got a good leader there,” Allie answered, nodding at the group. “They seem to flock to him and he carries himself well. Other than that, I guess we'll see after this match, won't we? Who's that smaller student? The one who asked about me?”

“Maya? Oh, she's a pistol,” Kaidan grinned. “You'll see. And the class leader is David. He's a good kid with a good head on his shoulders.” He leaned back with his weight on one leg and crossed his arms over his chest. “Reminds me a lot of you.”

Allie pressed her lips together and watched the students, unsure about how to take Kaidan's last comment. She always tried to be a good leader, a good mentor, but she knew she fell short. Were Kaidan's words a compliment? Or was there something about David's personality that reminded Kaidan of her in a bad way? Allie hoped it was the former. She didn't want the added guilt of believing David pushed people away who wanted to be friends, hurting them in the process.

They stood in silence for a few moments and Allie risked a few glances at Kaidan. Her heart hammered in her chest as she watched his jaw clench while he watched his students. He seemed nervous and maybe a little concerned and Allie had to fight the urge to reach out and place a reassuring hand on his arm. She sighed and shook her head, focusing instead on how the light in the arena played off the grey in his hair and Allie suddenly felt self-conscious. She was going grey, too, but not in the same, sexy way Kaidan was. His temples were pure silver and the steel-colored strands seemed spread out evenly across the top of his head and through his beard. Her grey hair was more dotted here and there along the top of her head. She reached up to run her fingers through her hair, forgetting for a moment that her helmet was on.

“You ok?” Kaidan asked when he caught the movement.

“Yeah. Just have an itch and forgot I can't scratch it.”

Kaidan laughed at her forgetfulness and turned his attention back to the students. “So, do you think they've had long enough?”

Allie frowned and looked around. “You said you've never done this before, right? Give them another minute or two to figure out the lay of the land and come up with a few strategies.”

Kaidan nodded, but the kids didn't need the extra time. “Colonel? We're ready,” David spoke up and stepped forward.

“All right, then,” Kaidan said, sliding his helmet on. “Let's go.”

The arena went completely dark for ten seconds. The lights gradually came up, giving the combatants' eyes time to adjust. Allie and Kaidan had taken their place as far from the students as they could. Since it had been pitch black, neither knew where any of the kids were.

“So, thoughts?” Allie heard Kaidan's voice over her comms.

“You don't think you should have asked that before we started?” Allie joked, looking around. “I think we should split up, but keep in each others line of sight. If you need help, I can Charge and we can still set up some combos.”

They pair carefully ducked out from behind the rock they were crouched behind. It wasn't long before the first students found them and opened fire. Even though Kaidan said to not hold back, Allie couldn't bring herself to completely unload on these kids and she saw Kaidan doing the same. Normally, they would have quickly taken down the small, inexperienced group making their way toward them, but the combat veterans took it easy on them, giving them the chance to gain a little ground.

A few moments later, Allie realized what was actually going on. “Kaidan, divide and conquer,” she called to him when she lost sight of him. “They're splitting us up.”

“I noticed.” She winced when she heard him grunt. “I think they're going to try to take me out since they're more familiar with what I can and can't do, then focus everything on you.”

“Makes sense,' she agreed, spinning in time to see one of the kids decloak behind her. She threw a Lift and cocked her head at the student. “So close,” she called out, before Slamming them into the floor. She raced over and whispered, “You ok?”

The kid looked a little stunned, but nodded. “Yeah,” they croaked. Allie grinned and patted them on the shoulder before sprinting to a nearby outcrop.

“I got one,” Allie reported.

“And I took care of two,” Kaidan added. “So we've still got eleven to go.”

It went on like that for several more minutes. Allie couldn't find Kaidan to help get the kids off of him but she was picking them off as they came after her, one at a time. When they got down to three kids against the two of them, Allie heard Kaidan swear.

“They got me, but I took down two of them,” Kaidan huffed. “It's just you and Maya.”

Maya, the tiny girl who looked very much like an easy target. Somehow, Allie wasn't surprised that she would be the last one standing. “Ok, so I know you've got some tech,” Allie muttered to herself, checking her clip and thinking about the drones she'd seen the girl send out, “but I haven't seen any biotics from you. Now, where are you?”

She peeked around a corner, watching for any kind of movement on the field. She took a deep breath and held it, focusing on the sounds around her, trying to listen for a clue about where Maya was hiding. Then she heard it – the very faint but unmistakable hum of a combat drone. Allie peeked around the other corner and saw it coming for her.

“Ok, so you're back there somewhere, but I don't think you stayed put once you sent out the drone,” Allie thought. She decided to let the drone come to here in the hopes that it would draw out the last cadet.

Allie didn't have to wait long and winced at the shimmering orb zapped her with small jolts of electricity. She could feel her barrier draining and swore under her breath. If Maya broke cover now, Allie would be at a severe disadvantage unless she Charged into the girl, and she was afraid that would seriously hurt her, unless Allie pulled way back on her power.

Suddenly, the drone flared and exploded, momentarily blinding Allie in a seas of bright orange sparks. She squinted and turned away just in time to see a shimmer over her right shoulder. She ducked and did a half-Charge to replenish part of her barrier. When she made contact, she wrapped her arms around the girl and crashed to the ground with her, trying to protect her from the impact.

“Not bad,” Allie grinned at the young woman. “You almost got me.”

Just then, she felt a prick at her side as another drone materialized next to her. Maya grinned and took advantage of Allie's distraction to pull a training knife from her leg and hold it against her throat. “I did get you,” she laughed.

“I'll be damned,” Allie shook her head and rolled off to the side, grinning as she capped a round into the drone. “You did. You did damn good.” She stood up and extended a hand, pulling the girl up off her feet.

When they got back to the entrance, the rest of Kaidan's class were whooping and cheering, and Maya seemed embarrassed by the attention. Kaidan had a smug look on his face and Allie narrowed her eyes at him. “You knew,” she said. “You knew if we were going to lose, that girl would be the one to win.”

“My money would have been on her, yes. Maya is small and easily overlooked and her tech powers are stunning. She's the only non-biotic I've ever taught, but her abilities mesh really well with everything else we have in the class.”

When the commotion finally settled, everyone was clamoring for Allie to remove her helmet. “A deal is a deal, Colonel,” David said. “Who's our sub?”

Allie reached for her helmet, but Kaidan stopped her. “What would you guys say if I told you you had just beaten Colonel Shepard?”

There was stunned silence for a few moments before the group split into an equal number of 'no way's and 'that's so cool!'s. Maya spoke softly and said, “I believe it. No one has eyes like Colonel Shepard. They're my favorite shade of purple.”

Everyone stopped and stared at the young woman, who just shrugged and turned beet red. Kaidan shook his head and moved his hand, allowing Allie to remove her helmet. “Colonel Allie Shepard, at your service,” she announced. “And you guys were absolutely amazing out there. You should all be proud of yourselves. Especially you,” she nodded at Maya.

The group of kids erupted into shouts and cheers. Kaidan and Allie chuckled and let the kids have their moment of self-congratulation. When they finally got quiet, Kaidan cleared his throat. “Now, the deal was also to give you the _option_ of having the rest of the day off. Otherwise, we all head back to class...”

“By 'we all', does that include Colonel Shepard?” David asked.

“It does,” Kaidan answered.

“Do we all have to go back or can we go home if we want?” asked one of the other students.

“We still have to head back to class for dismissal, but if you don't want to stay, then you'll be allowed to head home if you want,” Kaidan assured them. “Otherwise, we'll go over things with her so she's not flying blind the rest of the week. For now, head back into the locker room and wait for me there. You can talk among yourselves about what you want to do.”

As the kids filed out, Kaidan turned to Allie, his face still flush from the fighting and a huge smile plastered on his face. “That went better than I thought it would. You ok? You didn't get hurt?”

“Maya's drones zapped me pretty good,” Allie admitted, rubbing the side where the most recent offense happened. “But other than that, I'm ok. You? You sounded kind of rough there.”

“They landed some good shots,” Kaidan shrugged. “I'm sure I'll feel it tomorrow.”

“You need some medi-gel? I have some in my bag...” Allie's voice trailed off, hoping she didn't come across as desperate or pushy.

“I need to resupply my armor, but I'm good.” Kaidan gave her a warm smile. It lasted only a few moments before it dissolved like every other happy expression he'd given her since they reconnected. She wondered what she did this time to upset him – was he mad they lost? Or that they didn't go all out like they agreed to?

Allie sighed and forced a smile, moving past him to the locker room and hoped that a little distance might soothe the ache in her heart. “Allie,” he called after her.

She paused and glanced back over her shoulder and saw a look of confusion briefly flicker across his face. “Thanks for today,” he said, following after her. “I mean it. I had fun and it was good spending the time with you.”

He reached out and gave her arm a squeeze before moving around her into the locker room. Allie stood there for a few moments, baffled by what happened – one moment he seemed happy, then it was like he realized he was still hurt by what happened between them during the war and after, and then went back to acting like he still really enjoyed her company.

She could almost hear Liara's voice in her head, chiding her to just sit down with the man and talk about what she was feeling, but Allie couldn't bring herself to do that. _Better to believe he's just trying to be nice than to actually find out he only wanted this favor from me,_ she thought. It was going to be hard keeping that mindset right now, but she figured after this week, it would be easier because they'd have no reason to talk again.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! There are 8 more chapters to go.... :D


	5. I Will Be Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cadets decide on whether or not to call it a day and Allie tries to not stick her foot in her mouth again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short chapter - I thought keeping it with the previous one would make things too cumbersome. Let me know what you think!

Kaidan's cadets were ecstatic when Allie said she'd travel back with them. The kids filed into the back of the shuttle, still congratulating themselves for beating the savior of the galaxy and the second human Spectre. Allie and Kaidan sat across from each other, chuckling and shaking their heads while the cadets reveled in their victory.

“You know, I just realized I will never hear the end of this,” Kaidan groaned, leaning his head back against the seat.

“Well, we could always challenge them to a rematch and not hold back,” Allie laughed. “We were both pulling punches.”

“True,” Kaidan admitted, “but I'll let them have this one. Who knows? Maybe I'll turn it into an annual event. Students vs. veterans. Actually turn it into a challenge and make them really earn it. I could maybe get more kids from the academy involved, and more people from the Normandy, including you again, if you wanted to.” Kaidan stammered the last bit and turned his attention to the floor, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Maybe,” Allie said slowly. “This was fun, but we'll have to see how things go.”

Kaidan didn't move his head but flicked his gaze at her. “Of course,” he muttered, looking at the floor again.

Allie pressed her lips together and focused on the shuttle windows. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she loved everything about the day so far – teaming up with Kaidan again and working so closely with him was something she only had memories of anymore. She had fun and she relished spending time with him even if he acted like he wasn't sure the feeling was mutual.

She leaned her head back against the bulkhead and closed her eyes. She knew they had about 15 minutes before they got back to the academy and Allie hoped she could catch a quick nap. Instead, her mind wandered to the conversation she and Kaidan just had and his reaction to her reluctance at participating in another match with his students. Was he mad or hurt that she didn't jump at the chance to fight with him again? Did he think she was still keeping him at arm's length? She was wary of getting too close again, but keeping him at a distance wasn't her intent in saying 'no'. A lot could happen over the next weeks and months. She might find herself on the far reaches of the galaxy doing who knows what for the Council. He might accept a transfer and not even be teaching. She was sincere in her reluctance to accept his invitation much as she was to accept _any_ invitation that didn't have concrete details or was set too far in the future. She simply didn't want to make a promise she wasn't sure she could keep.

She pressed her lips together, shifted her seat, and let out a heavy sigh. She heard Kaidan adjust his position across from her and suddenly felt like he was watching her. She fought the urge to open her eyes and check, focusing on the kids' conversations in the back of the shuttle instead. Allie wasn't intentionally trying to eavesdrop so much as she just wanted something else to think about. The cadets had all settled down and were speaking in hushed tones, making her wonder if they might be talking about her and/or Kaidan.

_Kaidan_... her rebellious brain conjured up memories of how he looked when they shared the locker room, the way his muscles tensed and flexed when he changed into his armor and compared it to how he looked when they were together. She knew he bulked up some since their time together on the SR-1 – that had been evident on Horizon – but she hadn't really taken the time to study him before they shared the locker room a few days prior. Whenever they were changing on the SR-2 during the war, she made sure to be done and gone before he started. On those rare occasions when they were in the same area, it took every ounce of willpower and self-discipline to avert her eyes.

_Horizon - Kaidan was wearing a heavier armor than Allie was used to seeing him in, but she could still feel his body heat saturate through the metal and into her own when he pulled her against him. Ok, so maybe that was all in her head, but the relief she felt in seeing him, _holding_ him again was definitely real. Her joy quickly drained away, though, when his own elation turned to fury. “...You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.”_

Allie curled her fingers into her palms and sniffed. Almost a decade had passed since that happened. They talked about it, apologies were given, she thought they moved past it - _she_ moved past it - so why did it still feel like a kick in the stomach when she thought about it?

_Because that's how he still looks at you. He did it on Mars, too. He didn't believe you when you said you didn't know why Cerberus was there. Remember the look on his face when Udina accused you of working with them during the coup? It was the same. Damn. Look. Think about it - he had that same look after you invited him back on the Normandy and even now he looks at you like he thinks you might turn on him..._

Allie's sinuses burned as she wondered if that might be true, if maybe her reasons for pushing Kaidan away were actually valid. The war was long over, though. The Reapers were dead, Cerberus was still in tatters. There was no one for her to betray anyone to, so why would he still not trust her? What else would explain it, though? His smiles fading into frowns when he looked at her. His tone changing from warm friendliness to a cool one reserved for mere acquaintances.

_You could just talk to him, too, you know_ the saner part of her argued. _Maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it. Or maybe he's got something else on his mind._

She cleared her throat and opened her eyes, not surprised to find her hunch was right – Kaidan was staring at her, but his face was a mask of neutrality. She stared back, hoping her expression was as bland as his was. She maintained eye contact and waited for some sign or something to show her he wasn't mad, wasn't hurt, that he really meant it when he told her all those years ago that he'd never doubt her again. His expression never changed, though, and the ache in Allie's heart grew heavier.

She crossed her arms over her chest and closed her eyes again, forcing herself to think of anything that wouldn't sidetrack back around to Kaidan and their past. She thought about James's newest training roster _I have to remind him to start the new rotation on some easier things. We want to break them in gently, not just break them,_ she thought to herself. _Cortez asked for some weird shit, too. I wonder if he's planning on upgrading the shuttle? Joker will have his hide if he tries something on the Normandy... though it would be funny if he and EDI were planning some type of prank..._

Allie's eyes flew open before her traitorous brain made any kind of connection to the pranks the crew used to pull on each other on the SR-1. The last thing she needed to think about was how adorable the frustration looked on Kaidan's face when he couldn't get his locker open because Wrex had bent the door just-so or when he had to scurry from the showers to the crew quarters because _someone_ hid is towel on him while he was in the shower. She nervously shifted in her seat, her face and neck heating up at the memory of the then-Lieutenant's naked profile darting down the Normandy's short corridor.

“Shepard? You ok?” Kaidan's tone was concerned and his expression softened considerably.

“What? Yeah, yeah, I'm good.” Allie rubbed the back of her neck and clenched her fists a few times on her lap. “Why?”

“Just the way you kind of jerked awake. Wasn't sure if you had a nightmare or something.” His eyebrow twitched and he studied her face.

“No, no nightmare. I wasn't even asleep, really just...” Allie cleared her throat and inhaled, “...just thinking.”

Kaidan hummed an acknowledgment and stared at her for a few more seconds before turning his attention to the back of the shuttle.

“Alright, guys,” he announced, pulling himself to his feet, “we'll be back in about five minutes. So are you all heading home early or what?”

David raised his hand and stood when Kaidan nodded at him, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. “We need more information, Sir. If we stay, would it be business as usual or would we be able to talk to Colonel Shepard?”

Kaidan glanced at Allie and shrugged. “Your call,” he said.

“I'll tell you what,” she said, standing next to Kaidan, “if things go well this week, we'll take the last day for a Q and A session, ok? I mean, I don't know about you guys, but when I was in school, I would have jumped at the chance to have most of the day off.”

“With all due respect, ma'am,” David grinned, “I'm willing to bet you never had a face-to-face with someone like yourself, either.”

Annie was sure her face was a deep crimson, a thought confirmed by Kaidan's sudden grin. “I don't think of myself as a hero,” she replied quietly, “but I don't begrudge those of you who disagree. Still, if you don't want to leave early, I'll just be watching Colonel Alenko finish out the day's lessons so I can see how he does things.”

At that, David took a knee and the class huddled around him. “Always humble,” Kaidan leaned over and murmured in her ear. “And you wonder why people flock to you.”

Annie shifted nervously on her feet, certain she was reading way too much into Kaidan's words. “It was a team effort. You know that. You were part of that team. Our victory over the Reapers belongs to you as much as it does to me.”

Kaidan clicked his tongue and straightened up when David stood again. “Sir, Ma'am, we've decided to finish out the day and would be honored if Colonel Shepard sat in.”

“Alright, then,” Kaidan said, checking the time as the shuttle settled in on the pad. “We've only got a few hours left before I have to leave anyway, so I strongly recommend you not dawdle when changing back into your uniforms.”

“Could we actually stay in our armor?” David asked. “It'll save time and none of us mind. Plus, we were hoping for a holo with the two of you, all of us kitted out.”

“I think we can do that,” Kaidan answered after Allie gave an approving nod. “It'll be the last thing we do before I dismiss you. Sound good?”

The class let out a unified, “Yes, Sir!” and clamored to their feet, shuffling off the shuttle behind Allie and Kaidan. David took the lead and filed the cadets back into the building, then the classroom in two columns with Allie and Kaidan bringing up the rear. The kids were absolutely silent and walked in-step with each other. Allie was impressed that such discipline was so instilled in them already.

The next couple of hours flew by. Kaidan did an After Action Review with the class – he went over what was supposed to happen, what did happen, the pros and cons, and things that could be done better the next time they did an activity like that. He pointed out to each cadet things they did well and things they should try to avoid in the future. Allie stayed in the back of the class, just listening in and it was like she wasn't even there. Kaidan looked at her a few times, but none of the kids turned in their seats or even glanced over their shoulders. They maintained what Allie could only describe as a seated position of attention and was again impressed by the discipline the cadets displayed.

A soft buzzer sounded and Kaidan glanced at the clock on the wall. “1500 hours. I think someone mentioned a holo before I dismiss you?”

Allie made her way to the front as the kids set up their omnitools to snag a still to prove what kind of a day they had. She and Kaidan perched on the desk and the kids crowded around. “Are we allowed to share these on our social media?” David asked.

Allie and Kaidan glanced at each other and Allie shrugged. “I don't see why not,” Kaidan answered. “Thank you for asking first, too.”

Several VI voices chimed up for everyone to smile and Allie was temporarily blinded by the numerous flashes in her face. She blinked furiously as the cadets filtered out, thanking both her and Kaidan for a great day and telling Allie they looked forward to seeing her the next day.

Kaidan and Allie each grabbed their own bags and walked out of the classroom and down the hall in silence.

“So, you think you'll be ok?” Kaidan asked when they got outside.

“Yeah, I think we'll be just fine. Just watch your back out there, ok?” Allie was surprised at the fear that clamped around her gut, knowing he could be walking into something dangerous that might keep him from coming back again.

“I will. And Allie? Thanks again for today. It really was a great day.”

He gave her one of his trademark eye-twinkling smiles and rushed off down the sidewalk, not waiting for a reply. Allie watched him hurry away and she pressed her lips together, forcing down the sick feeling in her stomach. He was a seasoned veteran and had been through hell and back and made it through relatively unscathed. She had no reason to think he wouldn't return now, even though she didn't know what exactly his mission entailed.

Allie sighed and threw her bag over her shoulder, hailing a taxi. He was right, it was a great day and if the worst should happen, at least she had more good memories of time spent with him to hold on to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An After Action Review (AAR) is a legit tool the military (or the Army, anyway) uses to improve their training. At least, that's what it's supposed to do.


	6. How Can I Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's substitute time! Allie gives the kids their promised Q&A and discovers a secret about Kaidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions (very briefly) some of the trauma Allie went through and her resulting mental state. She talks a bit about her death. PTSD, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts get a very brief mention. Is it worth tagging? Maybe not, but I value my readers too much to put them through anything that might be a trigger.
> 
> This was my second favorite chapter to write. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

The week flew by faster than a ship traveling at FTL. The kids treated her with what she hoped was the same respect they showed Kaidan and their other instructors. If she wasn't sure about how Kaidan did something, they were quick to explain things to her. Allie was most impressed with their skill. David was a great leader, quick to mentor the younger students and work with them to perfect a new move and Allie thought she might like to have him serve on her crew someday, if for no other reason than to continue to mentor him and build on his skill set.

On the last day, Allie did as she promised – they deviated from Kaidan's plan and she gave the kids as much time as they needed to write down some questions. She handed three slips of paper to each of them. “Take your time,” she said as she moved up and down the aisles. “You get no more than three but if you can't think of that many, that's fine. And remember, a lot of what I did is still classified, so I might not be able to answer them all. When you're done, fold your papers up and put them in this box,” she instructed, holding up a shoe box she brought in for just this occasion. “I'll pick them out one at a time and answer them.”

She sat at the desk and watched as each cadet thought about what they wanted to ask. Allie knew there would probably be duplicate questions as well as several that she wouldn't be able to answer with a lot of detail, but she hoped they would ask her about things other than the Blitz, Saren, or the war.

It didn't take long for the kids to finish up and drop their papers into the box. When the last student returned to their seat, Allie closed the lid, gave the box a shake, and slipped her hand inside.

“Ok, let's see what the first one is.” She skimmed the words and a sad smile crossed her face. “'What was it like when you died? Did you see a light at the end of a tunnel?'”

Allie sighed and shook her head. “I don't really talk about it much. When Cerberus brought me back, I had nightmares for a long time afterwards and doing anything in zero-G almost put me into a panic attack.”

She pressed her lips together, torn between continuing her personal rule of keeping that part of her past bottled up and being able to set the record straight for the people in front of her. “It hurt,” she finally admitted. “I remember watching my ship disintegrate around me. I spent about six months doing zero-G training during ICT, so when I got spaced, it all kicked in. I let my body go limp and tried to avoid the larger pieces of debris. What did me in was the final explosion; it sent a shockwave through the debris field and a piece sliced through my O2 line. There was nothing I could do. My lungs started to burn because I couldn't breathe and it was like someone just gradually dimmed the lights. That's it. There was no light at the end of a tunnel that I remember, nothing like the near-death stuff you might read articles about.”

Allie closed her eyes and hoped she looked more calm than she felt. She should have known that one of the kids would ask something like that and she suddenly dreaded pulling any more questions from the box. _Man, I hope no one asks about Virmire,_ she thought, fishing for another slip.

“Ok, so this one says, 'What was it like becoming the first Human Spectre?'” Allie shifted her spot on the desk and smiled. “I honestly didn't know much about the Spectres. We had one on board the SR-1 with us when we went to Eden Prime back in '83, but he was killed in action after we hit the ground. Nihlus was supposed to be my evaluator, so when he died, it kind of complicated things. Still, once I found out my name had been put forward, I looked into it and it's definitely something I'm really proud of. Colonel Alenko and I are the only two human Spectres around. We've been trying to get the Council to add more because our numbers just aren't what they were before the war, but the Council just hasn't seen fit to do so yet.”

Fortunately, the next several questions Allie picked were easy ones to answer – they asked about her biotics and the training she got, as well as her implant. Someone else wanted to know what the most amount of food was that she'd ever eaten in one sitting. One of the students asked about the high score at Armax and still another wanted to know about the physical therapy she went through after the Reapers were destroyed. There were a couple of questions with political undertones that Allie declined to answer.

“There aren't a lot of questions left,” Allie observed, feeling around the box for another slip of paper. “I might have to let you go home early, unless Colonel Alenko disagrees.”

She glanced over her shoulder and her breath caught in her throat when she saw him. He was in his fatigues, arms crossed over his chest and leaning against the door frame like he didn't have a care in the world. There was just something about him that always looked _good_. She swallowed hard and grinned when he chuckled and shook his head.

“You knew I was there.” It wasn't a question so much as an observation.

“Pretty much from the get go,” Allie admitted, scooting over on the desk to give him room to sit. “The kids kept glancing at you and you were close enough that my amp tingled a little.”

“Damn,” he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, “I was hoping I was far enough away from you for that.”

He sat on the desk beside her and smiled when she gave his leg an affectionate pat. “I'm just giving these guys their promised Q and A. There's only a handful of questions left, so you didn't completely miss out.”

“Did I miss any good ones?” he winked and the class laughed.

“Nothing spectacular,” Allie smiled. “At least not yet.” She gave the box a shake, emphasizing they weren't done yet. “How about if you pick the next one?”

Kaidan nodded and reached in the box, frowning when he read what was on the paper. “I don't know if you want to answer this one,” he said, handing her the slip.

“I haven't shied away from any of them yet,” she answered, looking at the question. “'What was the worst thing you've ever gone through?'”

“Oh,” she sighed, pressing her lips together. She closed her eyes and thought about everything she'd been through – losing Ash on Virmire, watching her ship explode around her, dying, Kaidan's anger on Horizon, destroying an entire relay system and killing all its inhabitants, Kaidan's doubt during the coup...

Her sinuses started to burn when she thought about Mordin sacrificing himself to save the krogan, Thane doing the same to save a man he'd never met, Anderson's last words, telling her how proud he was of her. She wrinkled her nose and struggled to keep the tears from slipping down her cheeks.

“Shepard?” Kaidan's voice was soft and he placed a gentle hand on her leg. Allie didn't hesitate and wrapped her fingers around his, drawing strength and comfort from his presence. A tear slipped free and trailed down her cheek when he squeezed her fingers.

Allie sniffed and brushed her hand along her cheek, wiping the moisture away and finally looked at the cadets. Their expressions were a mixture of concern and confusion and almost all of them were looking at Kaidan and Allie's interlocked fingers. She squeezed Kaidan's hand before slipping her fingers free.

“I've been through a lot of bad stuff,” Allie cleared her throat and pulled herself together. “I try not to focus on it, though, because there was some good that happened, too. I traveled all over the galaxy, helped a lot of people, made some amazing friends. I learned a lot and one of the things I learned was that if I don't balance out the good and bad things I think about, my brain will take me to some very dark places that are really hard to come back from.”

She could feel Kaidan tense beside her and fought the urge to look at him. Not many people knew about the thoughts that plagued her in the early days after the war. When the physical pain and the nightmares and memories were almost too much to bear and she believed that she'd now done enough and the galaxy would be just fine without her. She spoke often enough about the dangers of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses that haunted the people who survived the Reaper invasion. She encouraged veterans to reach out for help, fought against the stigma of having to use medication, and donated large portions of her salary to outreach groups. She hardly ever talked about her own experiences, though, and she knew that her words were probably a shock and surprise to Kaidan.

“So, I'm not going to answer that question,” she continued, taking a deep breath and mentally shaking off the bad memories. “Instead, I'm going to tell you about some of the good memories I have. Like how many times I beat Colonel Alenko at poker and took all his credits.”

She gave her former lover a smirk that stretched into a full grin when she saw how red his face got. “Then we should also tell them about all the times I beat you when we'd spar,” he grumbled. He sounded irritated, but Allie could see the twinkle in his eye and knew he was playing along.

“Yeah, you did,” she admitted. “You usually did manage to get me at hand-to-hand.”

Kaidan gave her a satisfied “I told you so” smirk and shrugged as the kids laughed.

“Let's see, what else,” Allie mused. “Oh, there was teaching Legion about human holidays and watching as EDI refined her sense of humor. The late night bull sessions with Joker when I couldn't sleep. The party we threw right before the fleets all came together. Watching the krogan welcome a new generation of babies into their population. I think the best memory I have though, was finding out that my ship, crew, and friends survived the Crucible detonation and were making their way back to earth. It's one thing to find out a war you tried to prevent for three years had finally ended, but another thing entirely to find out that just about everyone you cared about managed to survive, too.”

She felt Kaidan place a reassuring hand on the small of her back and it took every ounce of willpower to keep from folding into him. She glanced at him and offered a smile, one that he returned. For a moment, Allie felt like she was back on the SR-1, at a time when she would have lovingly cradled his cheek in her hand. He would have turned into her touch and kissed her palm before telling her how much he loved her...

She remembered where she was, though, and struggled to not let herself get swept away in the emotions roiling in her heart. She forced her smile to look more professional and focused back on the students. Her heart ached when Kaidan dropped his hand from her back and he shifted away from her a little. Had he felt it, too? Or was she just imagining the familiar pull of her heart toward his tiny dent in the fabric of space/time?

Allie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her fingers curled into her palms and she brushed her thumbs along the side of her finger, trying to keep herself together. After a few heartbeats, she opened her eyes again and gave the cadets the best smile she could muster. It felt genuine to her and she hoped it looked real enough for the kids.

They seemed to believe her, as most of them visibly relaxed and let out an inaudible sigh of relief as their shoulders relaxed a little. Allie took the box, gave it another shake, and looked at the clock. “If I hurry, we might get through the rest of these.”

The next question she snagged had her heart hammering in her throat. “Oh, wow, well, um...” her exhale fluttered through nearly closed lips and she handed the paper off to Kaidan, who read it silently, then chuckled. “Yes, Colonel Shepard and I dated. Years ago. No, we aren't dating now.”

Allie risked a glance at him over her shoulder, swearing she heard sadness and disappointment in his answer. He didn't look at her, though, focusing instead on folding the slip of paper up and placing it next to his leg. She wondered if he was going to save it or something, since the rest of the questions had been placed in a pile between them. She turned her attention back to the class and added, “And to answer the follow-up that I know some of you are dying to ask, the problem was that I died and then found myself in cahoots with a terrorist organization. That's the simple version, anyway,” she shrugged.

Allie felt the tension between her and Kaidan rise exponentially at what she said and she regretted adding on to his answer. She should have left well enough alone as her words elicited the same reaction she'd been getting from him whenever they spent time together – he's in a decent enough mood until she said or did something to upset or offend him. She somehow knew someone would ask that question – she and Kaidan weren't obvious about their relationship after they defeated Saren, but they didn't go to great lengths to keep it under wraps, either. There were a ton of vids out there that showed them holding hands or touching each other ways normally reserved for people who knew each other intimately – but she was nauseatingly uncomfortable with the fact that it was asked with Kaidan there. It would have been much easier to answer if she was alone and now it seemed like just something else for him to be upset with her about.

She cleared her throat and pulled another question, this one about any pets. She smiled, thankful for a light-hearted distraction and told them about her fish and hamster. The next two were duplicates and she frowned at the last question remaining in the box.

“Have you read any of the fanfic that's out there about you?”

Allie looked around the room as the class let out a series of groans and giggles. “Well, I don't know what fanfic is, so I can't say that I have. Does anyone want to enlighten me?”

She felt Kaidan shift behind her and clear his throat like he was hinting at her to not go there, but she ignored him. “I'm serious. I've never heard of 'fanfic'. What is it?”

A cadet at the back of the room warily raised his hand. Allie nodded at him and he stood next to his desk, his hands clasped behind his desk. “It's short for 'fan fiction', Ma'am.”

“And what is that?” she pressed.

“Shepard, trust me, you do not want the answer to that,” Kaidan whispered.

“Yes. Yes, I do,” Allie stated, glaring at her former lover. “Smitty, explain.”

If Cadet Smith's face got any redder, Allie thought it might explode from between his shoulders. His reaction told her he was the one who'd asked it and that he was rather invested in her answer. “It's, um, well, it's when someone's a fan of something or someone and they write stories about it. Them.” Smitty hung his head and dropped back into his seat.

“So there are stories out there about me?” Allie was curious about this and wondered why she hadn't heard about it before.

Smitty didn't answer right away, so Allie had to prod him for a response. “Yes, Ma'am. Tons of them.” 

When he realized Allie's curiosity was sincere, he was quick to get over his embarrassment. “See, people write stories about movies or tv shows they like or video games or their favorite actors. Sometimes a story didn't go the way you wanted it to, so you write something that makes you happy. Or maybe you have a theory about why a movie ended the way it did, so you write a story and expand on it.”

Just then the buzzer sounded and Allie held her hand up to let the kids know she wasn't quite done yet. “Well, to answer your question, no, I haven't but I just might have to when I get home. I didn't even know this was a thing.”

She stood and clasped her hands together behind her back as she continued speaking. “I have a couple of things to say before you leave. First of all, I really had a lot of fun at the arena with you guys at the beginning of the week. You all did really well. Secondly, I really enjoyed filling in for Colonel Alenko while he was out doing whatever super secret Spectre stuff he had to take care of.”

She grinned and Kaidan sighed behind her at the giggle that rippled through the class. “Finally, don't ever be embarrassed about being a fan of something or someone.”

Allie stood from the desk and moved slowly along the front of the classroom. “You might think Fleet and Flotilla is stupid, but that doesn't give you the right to judge someone else for liking it. You might think Blasto is absolutely ridiculous...”

“Hey, now,” Kaidan exclaimed, eliciting another giggle from the class.

“... and it is, but you shouldn't make someone feel bad for liking it.” Allie grinned and gave Kaidan a playful nudge on his arm. “I started collecting model ships when I was going after the Collectors. Did my friends think it was silly or stupid? Sure. You should have seen the eye rolls I'd get when Bamco put out a new model of the Normandy or if I was finally able to get my hands on one of those rare, limited edition Prothean ships.”

As if on cue, Kaidan sighed and shook his head and Allie just shrugged her shoulders. “But you know what? It's something that makes me happy. When I walk into my quarters or my apartment and I see my collection, it makes me smile, so I really don't care what the _second_ human Spectre has to say about it.”

“Ouch,” Kaidan placed a hand over his chest and acted hurt. “Low blow, Shepard.”

Allie cocked her head and gave him a coy smile as another giggle rippled through the class. “My point is, life just too damn short to worry about what other people think about what makes you happy. Life is too damn short to not do the things that make you happy. If there's something out there that makes you smile, that makes your heart _sing_, then don't be embarrassed about it. Unless, of course, it's illegal or immoral. Also, don't be that asshole who needs to suck the joy out of someone else's life. If someone likes a thing, let them like the thing in peace, ok? And if you hear someone else being a jerk like that, speak up.”

She sighed and gave each cadet a pointed look, making sure they all knew what she said was directed at each and every one of them. She dismissed the group and when the last student filed out, she looked at Kaidan.

“So,” she cleared her throat, “fanfic?”

Kaidan hummed a response and shrugged his shoulders. Allie crossed her arms over her chest and cocked an eyebrow at him, hoping he would voluntarily provide more information, and fought a grin as his cheeks flushed under her scrutiny.

Finally, he let out a defeated sigh and said, “Smitty came to me a while ago, peppering me with questions about the Normandy and the crew and you and things we did. Nothing classified, he was asking about what we did during our downtime and how people reacted to things. After a couple of weeks, I asked him why and he got nearly as flustered as he did with you today.”

Kaidan stood and fidgeted with some of the things on his desk. Allie pressed her lips together, not wanting Kaidan to think her smile was judgmental.

“He said it was research for something he was writing. I figured it was for an essay for another class and asked him which instructor. It took some prodding, but that's when he explained to me what fanfic was. Curiosity got the better of me and one night I did an extranet search on it. I found some really well-written stories and just, well, I got sucked in.”

Kaidan let out another heavy sigh and finally met Allie's amused gaze. Her heart thudded against her chest at how adorable he looked in his embarrassment. His cheeks were flushed and he could barely look her in the eye.

“You have your model ships, I have fanfic.” He sat heavily in his chair and leaned forward, knotting his fingers together. Allie got the distinct impression that he was nervous about how she'd react to his revelation.

Allie let a smile spread across her face. She was touched that he was sharing this part of himself and she didn't want him to think she was judging him for it. “Do you write it or read it?” she asked. She resumed her spot on the edge of the desk and folded her hands in her lap.

Kaidan threw his head back, closed his eyes, and let loose a beautiful sounding chortle, a sound she'd gone far too long without hearing. Allie's breath hitched once again at how _good_ he looked and how wonderful he sounded. “Oh, I just read it,” he finally answered, wiping his eyes. “Or have you forgotten how my reports used to read?”

“Oh, I remember, but maybe you took some creative writing classes or something,” Allie shrugged.

“No,” Kaidan chuckled again and seemed to relax considerably. “I leave comments, maybe some constructive criticism or I might offer a suggestion that might be a little more realistic with what I know and have seen.”

“So what stories do you read?”

Kaidan leaned back in his seat and ran his fingers through his hair. “Well, there's Blasto fic, some for Fleet and Flotilla, and there's some out there about a few biotiball players. And I like to see who's writing what about the Normandy and her crew.”

“And what are they writing about the Normandy and her crew?” Allie pressed.

“Everything, Allie. Literally everything. There are stories out there about what might have happened if Saren hadn't gone rogue. Or if Jenkins had lived. Or if you'd have been able to save Ash. They write about what we do during our downtime between missions. There are stories that center around certain ships... I mean, relationships.”

Allie frowned in confusion until Kaidan explained that in fanfic-speak, a ship was a favored pairing, usually of the romantic type. “Oh, so you mean they write about Joker and EDI or Vega and Cortez?” she asked.

“Yeah, and they also write about relationships they wish would happen, like Jack and Traynor or Joker and Cortez.”

“Smitty said there were stories out there about me?”

“Oh, yeah,” Kaidan shook his head. “You have no idea, Allie. People write about the Blitz, speculating a lot of different things. They write about the time you were locked up in Vancouver. There are stories out there about your time with Cerberus, about how things might have been different if you hadn't died. There are stories out there that ship you with damn near everyone, including people you barely know.”

“Wait, seriously? Like people picture me in relationships with other people?” Allie laughed.

“You and Joker, you and Vega, you and Sam, you and Hackett, although I find those to be a little strange to read,” he admitted, ticking the variations off on his fingers. “You and Jack, you and Garrus, you and m...”

Kaidan froze and his eyes darted up at Allie as he stopped himself from finishing his sentence.

_”You and me._ Allie knew what he was going to say and it took every ounce of willpower to keep from asking him for details about those stories. Were people writing them as still being a couple, living a life that most others only dreamed about? Did they imagine Kaidan giving up his career to stay home and take care of the house while Allie continued whatever adventures these people thought up for her? Or did they write the two of them as they were – still at odds with the feelings neither of them seemed to have gotten over?

His unfinished sentence hung between the two of them and Kaidan gave her one of the saddest looks she'd ever seen on a person. Her breath caught in her throat when he pressed his lips together and hung his head, his jaw clenching and his hands fidgeting like he had more to say but something was holding him back.

Allie focused on her pants, picking at imaginary lint and fussing with stray threads that weren't actually there. “It sounds like you've read a lot of them,” she finally murmured.

“They're my guilty pleasure,” he admitted quietly with a shrug.

“Do you have any favorites?” Her voice was soft, as though that might help ease some of the tension festering between them.

Kaidan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. His blush faded, but it took several moments for him to look her in the eye.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice tinged with sorrow. “The ones where you get your happily ever after.”

Allie was dumbfounded by his response and her reaction must have been plastered on her face because Kaidan let out a small, sad chuckle and shook his head. Another uncomfortable silence stretched between them as Allie struggled with what to do next. Part of her wanted to reach out and comfort her former lover, to finally tell him the regret she lived with for the past eight years and that she wished they could start over. Part of her wanted to stand up and shake off the awkward feeling and change the subject, but she was pretty damn sure if she did that, she'd get the same change in reaction from Kaidan that had become the norm. Instead, she let out a tiny, “Oh” and continued to pick at her pants.

She figured she'd let Kaidan take the lead on this one – if he wanted to talk about things, now was the perfect time. If he didn't and just wanted to leave, he could do that, too. Allie was too afraid to add to his melancholy to say or do anything more than she'd already done.

Fortunately, Kaidan only took a few moments to compose himself. He sniffed, cleared his throat, and leaned back in his chair. “It seems like you had a good week,” he said quietly. “When would be a good time to go over everything? We could do tonight, if that suits.”

Tonight... Allie hadn't planned on anything aside from a bottle of wine and reading some of this fanfic she found out about. Technically, tonight did suit, but given the tension she was feeling between the two of them now, it might be best for both of them to have some space. The last thing she wanted to do was alienate him further.

“The dinner I owe you.” Allie looked at him and forced a smile onto her face. “Tonight's no good, but I'm free all weekend and if that doesn't suit you can have your VI message my VI...”

Her voice trailed off when he didn't return her smile. “I can do tomorrow night,” he answered, “if that works for you. Did you have some place in mind?”

“You won, you pick,” she answered, hopping off the desk and eager to make her getaway. 

Kaidan laced his fingers together and rested them on his chest. He pursed his lips as his eyes drifted to a corner of his desk while he thought about where to eat. “I'll tell you what, how about if I pick you up and it'll be a surprise.”

“And how will I know what to wear?” Allie asked, grabbing her bag and slinging over her shoulder. “I'd hate to be in jeans and a nice shirt when I should be in a cocktail dress.”

A smile crept across Kaidan's face. A real smile that made his eyes crinkle and Allie wondered if he was picturing her in one of her 'special event' outfits. “Dress somewhere in the middle,” he advised. “It won't be too fancy, but you will be under dressed if you wear jeans. I'll pick you up a little on the early side, say, 1800?”

“Ok, sounds good.” Allie made her way to the door, disappointed but not surprised that Kaidan didn't call after her. She was certain that after this dinner, their relationship would return to its non-existent status. Her heart ached at the idea. She missed him and she didn't realize how much until she started spending time with him again. She had gotten used to being around him again, so used to it that she wasn't sure what she'd do if (when) he decided to let things go back to the way they were.

There was very little comfort in the idea that she had some new memories to hold on to, but if things went the way she figured they might, memories would have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were so many places I wanted to go with the kids' questions, but that would have turned this chapter into its own novel. Please let me know what you think - I'm really excited to share the next chapter on Tuesday!


	7. Sometimes I Want To Give Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie's curiosity about fanfic gets the better of her. A conversation with Liara leads to a revelation, but is it enough for her to finally set things right with Kaidan?

Allie sat in the skycab, staring out of the window and trying to figure out what exactly had happened after the kids left the classroom. Kaidan read fanfic, that was all well and good and Allie certainly wasn't going to judge him for it. It was his reactions that were throwing her off. There was a time she could read him like a book and while that was still true to an extent, he was giving her more mixed signals than a drunk asari surrounded by a bunch of pining admirers.

_It's a shame he couldn't just preface his words like the elcor do,_ she thought to herself, smiling at the thought of him speaking like the large, tank-like beings. _ :happy: This week has been great, Shepard, even though I look like I'm angry with you._

As the cab slipped through traffic, Allie's curiosity got the better of her and she did a quick extranet search for fanfic about her. When the results popped up an instant later, her jaw dropped. There were literally millions of results. “Oh, this is no good,” she muttered to herself. “I don't even know where to start.”

There were acronyms and abbreviations she never heard of (surprising, given the Alliance's penchant for abbreviating damn near everything), words that made no sense, and just too much information to filter through.

She drummed her fingers on her leg and considered her options – she could refine her search and try to look for short stories that might pique her interest, but given the insane amount of information sitting in front of her, that might take most of the evening. She could ask EDI to help her look, but knowing her luck, Joker would find out in a matter of minutes and if he didn't already know about this stuff, she wasn't sure she wanted him to. She pursed her lips and considered asking Liara, but this didn't seem like the kind of information she dealt with.

Suddenly, she had an idea and opened a comms line. The other end rang only once before a breathless “Shepard, hey!” rang in her ear and Conrad Verner's face filled the screen on her datapad.

“Conrad, are you busy? I need a favor.”

“I'm never too busy for you, Shepard, you know that! What's up?”

Ever since she found out about his orphanage and the fact that he had a doctorate in a rather obscure field, Allie was genuinely interested in getting to know Conrad better. She always had a soft spot for him, even back when she was chasing after Saren, but in the years after the war, they became pretty good friends, something she was thankful Conrad somehow managed to not brag about on a daily basis.

“I need your help with something. Can you meet me at the ramen place by your apartment? My treat.”

“I'm not home right now,” Conrad gave a furtive glance over his shoulder, “but I can be there in about twenty minutes.”

“Thanks, Conrad. See you soon.”

* * *

She got them a table in the corner, thinking he'd appreciate a little privacy. Allie didn't care who might overhear their discussion, but if Conrad reacted in any way like Smitty did, she wanted to save him as much embarrassment as possible. Sure, there was a very slim chance her biggest fan knew nothing about this fanfic stuff, but Allie somehow doubted that was possible.

Conrad showed up not too long after she did, breathless and disheveled. “Sorry, Shepard. Am I late? I'm not late, am I?”

“No, Conrad,” she grinned, “you're fine.”

The waiter stopped by and took their drink order. Allie waited until he was out of earshot before sliding her datapad with the search results across the table at Conrad. He picked it up and his eyes widened in horror.

“Oh, Shepard,” he exclaimed, pushing the datapad back to her, “Oh, no. No, no, no, no. You don't want to do this. Please tell me you don't want to do this. Why are you doing this?”

“Conrad, calm down,” Allie said. She expected a little shock and resistance, but nothing like this. She explained how the Q and A session went and touched on her talk with Kaidan without letting on her former lover read some of it. “I'd really like to know what's out there, but I don't know where to start. Like this, NSFW? What's that? And I know 'ship' is relationship, but what's this 'Cortega” stuff? Shenko? Why do some of these names have a slash and others have an ampersand between them?”

The more questions she asked, the more Conrad shrank back in his seat, finally flopping forward and letting his head bounce on the table. “Shepard,” he groaned, “don't make me do this. Please.”

“Conrad, I'm not asking to read anything you've written,” Allie pleaded. “I just want a better understanding and maybe a couple of recommendations. That's all.”

When the waiter brought their drinks, he looked at Conrad's obvious displeasure and then at Allie, who offered an awkward grin, shrugged, and said, “We might need a few more minutes.”

“Shepard, why?” Conrad's voice was muffled against the table and Allie gave him a gentle kick. “Why do you want to know about this?”

“Curiosity,” she answered.

“Curiosity killed the cat,” he mumbled.

“Cats have nine lives. And Curiosity was the name of one of humanity's first missions to Mars,” she countered. “A mission that lasted a lot longer than they planned for.”

“But why? Why now?” He picked his head up from the table and played with the straw in his drink. Allie noticed he was avoiding eye contact.

“I told you it got mentioned while I was subbing Kaidan's class,” she reminded him.

Conrad sighed and raised his eyes. It took every ounce of willpower for Allie to not give him the 'sad puppy dog' face she knew would have him eating out of the palm of her hand. She could see he was really torn about getting into this. “Look, I already have an idea of what's out there,” she pressed. “I know people write all kinds of stuff about me and about everyone on the Normandy. I just want to see it for myself. Please?”

Allie's biggest fan sighed and shook his head. “I swear, Shepard, don't you dare get mad at me for anything you find. I mean it. And if anyone asks, I didn't tell you any of this.”

“Tell me any of what?”

“Any of this stuff about the fanfic,” Conrad blinked. “Seriously, Shepard, sometimes I wonder about you.”

Allie chuckled and shook her head when she realized her joke sailed clean over Conrad's blonde curly locks.

For the next hour, Conrad explained to her as much as he could – the different acronyms and abbreviations, the intricacies of tags, and ship names. He explained how authors use notes to explain their thought processes and to further warn their readers if a story might trigger or upset them. Allie took all of it in, eager to finally find out what had Smitty so embarrassed and why Kaidan called it a guilty pleasure. Conrad balked again, though, when Allie asked for some recommendations.

“Oh, come on, Conrad,” she pleaded. “Like I said before, I'm not asking to read anything you wrote. Just point me in the right direction.”

After a few more minutes of persuading, and a promise of another lunch date that wouldn't involve the waiter thinking the pair were having a rough first date, he messaged her about a dozen links. “There's a little bit of everything,” he said. “Fluff, angst, and you paired off with a couple of different people.”

When they parted ways, Allie again assured Conrad that his secret was safe with her. She clutched her datapad to her chest, excited to see what stories he picked for her to read.

When she got back to her apartment, Allie went about her usual nightly routine before padding into the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of wine. She popped the cork, grabbed a glass, and took everything to her bedroom to settle in for a night of reading.

The first story she looked at was a one-shot that talked about Christmas on a pre-war Normandy. Simple, sweet, and it seemed to nail everyone's personalities correctly. The next one was a little longer, and went into what the crew went through when she died. That one was harder to read, not just because of her reading about her own death, but also because the author's imagination got the best of them and painted almost all the survivors as blubbering wrecks who just didn't know how to go on without their beloved Commander. The next one was an AU that envisioned Kaidan in Allie's place – he had the N7 designation and was made the first human Spectre. Allie almost spit out her wine when the author described with incredible accuracy how painfully polite AU Kaidan was to an increasingly rude Council.

The hours flew by as Allie found herself lost in the imaginary worlds other people created for her. Some of them seemed to know her and her crew personally, given how accurately they wrote their personalities and reactions. Some of them were way off base, painting her friends at opposite ends of the spectrum than how they really were. When she finished reading all of Conrad's suggestions, she understood why Kaidan called it a guilty pleasure, though she wondered how he was able to keep from critiquing the hell out of everything.

She raised an eyebrow, pursed her lips, and scrolled through the comments of the stories she just read, looking for a screen name that might belong to him. She hit on a few and looked at their profiles, dismissing most them for one reason or another. One stood out, though, when she noticed their favorite stories all had 'happily ever after' tags.

“_BioticBooty2154_,” she murmured to herself. “There's no way he'd pick a name with the word 'booty' in it. And that's the year I was born, not him. Although...”

Her voice trailed off and she tapped her finger on the side of the keyboard, realizing that if she was going to set up a screen name, she'd want it to be one of the last things people would expect from her. Her heart pounded in her chest at the idea that if this _was_ Kaidan, it seemed like he dedicated part of his user name to her. Certain she'd found his profile, she clicked on some of the links he had in his favorites. In addition to the 'happily ever after' tag, nearly all of them were 'shenko' fics. Allie toyed with the idea of having EDI run a search to see if this really was Kaidan, but thought better of it.

She retrieved another bottle of wine, and read through BioticBooty2154's favorite stories. Several times, she had to stop to wipe her tears and blow her nose. Every story had her and Kaidan living a life war heroes like them deserved. They were retired in some of them or working together on the Normandy in others. They had kids, they had a home together. They were married or at the very least living together.

And they were happy.

The two of them.

Together.

After everything the fates and the universe had thrown at them, these authors made it so they managed to weather through all of it together. Sure, they were scarred and they weren't the same people they were on the SR-1, but that didn't matter because they had grown through it all side by side. They were each others rock and support system.

They had their happily ever after.

Allie's cheeks were wet with tears when she shut her datapad off. She blew her nose, turned off the light, and curled up under her blanket. Was that what she missed out on? All of these years, keeping Kaidan at arm's length, not wanting to get too close again, not wanting to take a chance of him hurting her again... Had her inability to move on really cost her so much? She thought back over the past few weeks about the way Kaidan looked at her – happy one moment, the cool the next. She thought about the look on his face when he told her what his favorite stories were. She thought about the comforting hand on her leg during the Q and A and how much she enjoyed his company over the past several weeks.

She wondered if it was too late. Would it really be as simple as sitting down with him and talking like Liara kept telling her to do? But what if she was right? What if his olive branch was only so he'd have a substitute for his class? What if, deep down, he still didn't really trust her?

Allie knew what she needed to do – she needed to sit down with Kaidan and have a heart to heart. She needed to ask him point blank if they had a snowball's chance in hell of starting over. She needed to tell him she was sorry, that from the moment she saw the hurt on his face as they sat at Apollo's she regretted telling him 'no'. She needed to tell him how much she missed him, how often she thought about him, that his face was the last thing she saw when she closed her eyes at night and the first thing she thought about when she woke up in the morning. She needed to tell him that she never moved on because none of the people who asked her out were him.

Allie also knew her fear of rejection would keep her from telling him all of those things. She now knew what it was like to have loved and lost and frankly, she almost wished she had never loved at all. Going toe to toe with Saren, facing down Reapers, taking on a platoon of Banshees, telling the Illusive Man to fuck off were all so much easier than telling Kaidan how she felt.

She propped herself up on her elbow and reached into her night stand. Her fingers wrapped around the familiar smooth metal frame that had adorned her desk when she chased after the Collectors. As soon as the frame left the drawer, Kaidan's image flickered into view. She tucked her arm under her head, nestled the frame against her chest, and closed her eyes, tears still streaming down her face.

For the first time in a long time, Allie Shepard cried herself to sleep.

* * *

Allie spent the next morning as she did most Saturdays when she was on the Citadel – coffee, small breakfast, workout, shower, second breakfast, then to catch up on paperwork or meetings or whatever she had scheduled. The only difference in this Saturday was the huge headache she woke up with. She popped a few painkillers, guessing it was a result of the crazy amount of crying she did the night before.

As she went about her routine, her thoughts drifted to the emotional mess she found herself in. _What's the worst that happens?_ she mused during push-ups. _He says no? I mean, it isn't like he's going to laugh at you, right? And what if he does? The worst thing to come from that would be us not speaking to each other again, which is how things were for years._

If you don't ask, the answer is always no. That was one of her favorite mantras and her brain kept shouting it to her every time she came up with a reason they shouldn't talk.

“He'll probably say too much time has passed,” she muttered during pull-ups _So? Maybe he won't say that at all. Maybe it'll be like NO time has passed._

“He might laugh and think us trying again is a really stupid or bad idea,” she grumbled in the shower _Come on, you don't really think that, do you? You've seen the looks he's given you..._

“And I've seen those same looks melt right off his face when he remembers how I broke his heart or that he really can't trust me or that I pushed him away,” she groused as she threw some clothes on. _And maybe that look has melted off of his face for other reasons. Maybe he wants to talk to you, too, but because you ghosted him, he's afraid if he says anything now, you'll react like that again. Maybe he's happy you're back in his life and he doesn't want to screw it up._

Allie thought about how much her heart hurt after Horizon, after Mars, and then the coup. She remembered crying herself to sleep when she realized that after everything she had done, Kaidan still wondered if she was working with Cerberus. If she talked to him about how she was feeling and he turned her down, there was no way it would hurt as much as his doubt did back then.

Right?

Her doorbell chimed, bringing her out of her thoughts. “Oh, shit,” Allie muttered when Liara stepped into her apartment. “Liara, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot about lunch.”

“I thought as much,” Liara smiled, offering several take-out bags to her friend. “You're always there before I am and when I didn't see you, I thought you might be distracted.”

“'Distracted' is an understatement,” Allie sighed, retrieving plates and silverware from the cupboards.

They made small talk while they dished up their food, with Liara mentioning a reprint of the book she and Javik worked on together as well as working on a follow-up. Allie filled her in on the week teaching Kaidan's students, a topic that sparked a gleam in Liara's eyes.

“And how's that going?” Liara's tone was innocent, but the smirk on her lips told Allie her friend was fishing for information.

“How's what going?” Allie asked just as innocently.

“Things with Kaidan,” Liara stated. “You two seem to be getting along famously.”

“I guess,” Allie said slowly. “It depends on who you ask.”

Liara blinked, clearly expecting a different answer. “What do you mean?”

Allie sighed and explained the changes in Kaidan's attitude whenever they got together. “It's like he's fine with things one minute, then remembers he can't trust me and/or I broke his heart and then things aren't fine anymore,” she lamented.

“And have you talked to him?” her friend asked.

“No. Not yet. I mean, I want to. I know I should, but...” Allie sighed and ran her hand through her hair. “It just isn't that simple. A lot of time has passed, you know. I know I still hurt when I think about how he didn't trust me. He has to still hurt when he remembers that stuff, too.”

“Does he? I don't think you're giving him enough credit,” Liara stated.

“Enough credit? Liara, you weren't there,” Allie complained. “You didn't see the fury on his face on Horizon, the doubt on his face when Udina accused me of still being with Cerberus. You were on Mars with us, and I know you heard some of it, but not all.”

“But didn't he say he'd never doubt you again? That he'd have your back? I believe you told me those were his exact words.”

“Yes, but...”

“There is no but, Shepard,” Liara stated firmly. “Has he done anything to make you think he still doesn't trust you?”

Allie thought for a moment, back to the war and the short time after before she and Kaidan drifted completely apart. She couldn't think of one instance when Kaidan questioned her intentions or her loyalties, but that realization wasn't enough to quell the doubt festering in her heart.

“No, but...”

“There is no but, Shepard,” Liara said again. “You aren't giving him enough credit, just like he didn't give you enough credit back then. Enough time has passed, he's done nothing for you to continue to think he's still harboring doubt and questions in the back of his mind. You're being very unfair to him.”

Allie pressed her lips together as she thought about Liara's words. She hadn't looked at it like that. She'd been so wrapped up in the idea that deep in his gut, Kaidan still questioned her intentions and loyalties. She knew he was a man of integrity, of honesty and loyalty and if he said he trusted her, she had no reason to think otherwise. Would it really be so hard to try again?

Liara shook her head at her friend's stubborn silence. “You say it isn't that simple, but I think you're also making it harder than it needs to be.”

Allie hung her head, knowing Liara spoke the truth. The epiphany dawned on her like the sun creeping over a horizon – she'd been doing to Kaidan the same thing he'd done to her. She expected him to trust her and believe in her simply because they knew each other so well, but when the tables were turned, she couldn't (didn't) do the same for him.

“We're having dinner tonight,” Allie admitted as they cleared the dishes. “I'll think about talking to him then.”

“Don't think about it, Shepard,” Liara advised her friend. “Just do it.”

She gave Allie a warm smile and left Allie to consider their discussion.

The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she needed to have this conversation with Kaidan. As the day went on, that epiphany made her confidence grow to the point where she was certain that if things didn't go the way she hoped they would, she'd be ok with it, even if he decided they needed to go back to no contact other than the occasional greeting at whatever social function they were both attending. If he said no, she'd have to put on her big kid pants and deal with it, like he did when she turned him down at Apollo's.

At the very least, she wanted to put forth more effort at being a better friend. Blame for their failed relationship could easily go to either one of them, but the loss of their friendship was all on her. She didn't respond to his messages, she stopped going to James's poker games if there was any chance he'd be there, and she did her best to avoid him at functions they attended together. She had no one to blame but herself when Kaidan finally stopped reaching out to her. The time they spent together in the days leading up to her subbing his class and his subsequent absence made her acutely aware of just how much she missed having him in her life.

When it was time for her to get ready for dinner with Kaidan, she took a quick shower and changed into a cream colored cowl neck sweater that could have doubled as a mini dress and paired it with tan leggings and black ankle boots. Her make-up was its usual understatement – light blush, eyeliner, and a hint of color on her lips. She let her dark locks air dry, something that only took a few minutes since her hair was baby fine, and smiled as they settled into their natural, wavy state.

When she finished, she didn't have to wait long for Kaidan to show up. She grabbed her purse and her breath hitched when she opened the door. He was wearing black jeans and a maroon button-down shirt that had the top three buttons undone, showing a hint of his impressive chest. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbow, which not only showed off his forearms, but tightened the material around his biceps, making it look like the sleeves might rip apart at any moment. His hair was done just so, and Allie wondered if he had to put any extra effort into taming the bump in his hairline. She smiled to herself when she remembered his frustration on the days when it did what it wanted to do, which usually resulted in merciless teasing from the crew.

When Kaidan saw her, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped just a little before he composed himself.

“You look nice,” he finally stammered. His face darkened in embarrassment and he nervously rubbed the back of his neck.

Allie's ego soared at his reaction and boosted her confidence even more that talking to him tonight was the right thing to do. “Thanks,” she demurred. “You clean up pretty well yourself.”

A shy smile spread across his face and he offered her his arm, a gesture Allie hesitated only a heartbeat to accept. When they stepped outside, Kaidan pulled her a little tighter against him and covered her hand with his while they walked to his car. Allie pressed her lips together, trying desperately to not read too much into the gesture, not until they talked at least, anyway. For now, she struggled to take it at face value – he was being polite and gentlemanly. That was all, nothing more.

“New wheels?” Allie asked as Kaidan slipped the car into traffic.

“Not really. Mine's in the shop for routine stuff so they gave me a loaner. Normally I wouldn't have worried about it, but the restaurant isn't exactly within walking distance. I mean, it's only a couple of minutes by skycar, but walking would take the better part of an hour.”

“Oh? Where are we going?”

Kaidan just gave her a sly grin and turned his attention back to his driving. Allie chuckled and shook her head, watching traffic flit by them. They didn't talk much since it was a quick trip and Allie had to twist her fingers together in her lap to keep from placing her hand on Kaidan's lap like she used to when they were dating. She pressed her lips together, hoping she wasn't about to make a huge mistake in baring her heart to him.

When they pulled up in front of Allie's favorite sushi place, she broke into a wide grin. They had rebuilt and rebranded after her 'accident' with their in-floor fish aquarium during the war and were now known as Oli-Ran.

“I have reservations,” Kaidan sighed glancing at the line when the valet drove off with his car, “but it looks like we'll still have to wait.”

“Wait?” Allie's grin widened. “We don't have to wait.” She grabbed his hand and led him to the front of the line, ignoring the people who were complaining about them trying to cut in front of everyone who had waited for hours for a table.

“Ah, Colonel Shepard!” the maître d' proclaimed. He approached the pair with his arms outstretched, placing a kiss on either side of Allie's cheeks. “It's been so long since you've dined with us, I was beginning to think we'd run afoul of your patronage! And Colonel Alenko! It's so good to see you again, too, sir!”

The murmurs behind the pair quickly went from anger and outrage to disbelief that the savior of the galaxy was right in front of them. Before anyone could pull out their phones or omnitools to snap some pictures, the maître d' ushered them inside, seating them at a cozy table in the far back corner of the restaurant.

“That was a nifty trick,” Kaidan smirked after the waiter took their drink order.

“They always save a table for me,” Allie shrugged. “As far as their reservations are concerned, this table doesn't exist, so there's no chance of accidentally seating someone in it.”

They perused their options in silence, but Allie stole several discreet glances at Kaidan over the top of her menu. As usual, she couldn't get over how good he looked. He was leaned forward just a bit, the menu cradled open in his hand and a stern look of concentration on his face. The lighting was dim but still managed to catch the glint of silver that streaked through his hair and beard. Every few seconds, he stroked his beard while he considered his options.

He caught her staring once and gave her a warm smile. Her heart soared when it stayed in place and didn't dissolve into the cool expression she'd gotten used to seeing on him. She felt her face flush and turned her attention back to the menu, her heart hammering in her chest as she waited for the chance to talk to him about her feelings.

When they placed their order, Kaidan leaned back and rested his elbow on the table. “So, how were the kids?” he asked, playing with the hair on his chin.

“They were great!” Allie gushed, launching into a synopsis of how the training went. They pretty much stuck to Kaidan's lesson plans and some of them voiced appreciation for a different take on learning some of the new moves Kaidan had been trying to teach them.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “a few of them were having a hard time putting up a decent barrier. I'm really glad you were able to help them out with that.”

“A different perspective,” Allie shrugged. “I'm sure they'd have gotten it eventually with you, too.”

“Maybe,” Kaidan mused. “Or maybe I could call on you again if I've got some students having a hard time getting the hang of something. You know, like a tutor or something.” He smiled at her again, and there was no mistaking the hope in his voice.

Allie froze with her drink to her lips and swallowed hard. She didn't want to make a promise she couldn't keep, so like she did at the beginning of the week when Kaidan suggested her participation in a staff vs. students thing become a regular habit, she tried to leave herself a way out.

“I wouldn't mind helping,” she said, unable to meet his gaze, “but it would all depend on my schedule. I don't want to promise help I might not be able to give.”

“Of course,” Kaidan nodded. Allie wasn't sure if she was imagining it, but she could have sworn his smile looked a little more forced. He dropped his elbow from the table and started to fidget with the label on his bottle. Allie waited a few more moments before mentioning again how great the students were and that she was really glad Kaidan asked for her help.

The waiter brought their food and Kaidan dug in, using his chopsticks like they were a natural appendage. Allie shook her head and grabbed a fork, eager to eat the sushi her stomach had been growling for.

“You still don't use these?” Kaidan asked, clicking his chopsticks together at her.

“I just can't get the hang of it,” Allie shrugged. “I've tried and I look ridiculous because I can't hold them right and I can't keep a hold of the food.”

“I've offered to teach you,” Kaidan reminded her. “That offer still stands.”

“Nah, I think I'm good here,” Allie smiled. “My fork works just fine and if all else fails, I'll use my fingers.”

“Suit yourself.” Kaidan's response was half mumbled and Allie's gut wrenched at the change in attitude that she was becoming heartbreakingly familiar with. Was it because she didn't jump at the chance to tutor his students or because she refused his help with the chopsticks? Maybe a combination of both?

Allie pressed her lips together and pushed down the ache in her chest, hoping the tremble in her chin wasn't as visible as it felt. Whatever confidence she had earlier that talking to him about starting over vanished like the warmth that had been in Kaidan's attitude toward her. Whatever was there, whatever might be there, would have to remain hidden. There was no way Allie was putting her heart on the line tonight. Instead, she'd work on their friendship; at least she'd have that to hold on to.

After several awkward moments, Allie cleared her throat and asked Kaidan about his mission. “It went well, I take it?” It was hard to keep the hurt from creeping into her voice, but she wanted to try and salvage as much of the evening as she could. She forced a smile when Kaidan looked up at her and hoped it looked genuine.

“As well as anything, I guess,” he shrugged. “It was an escort mission, prefabs and goods for some of the rebuilding efforts in the Serpent Nebula. There's been an increase in merc and pirate activity out there and the Council wanted to make sure the stuff got there in one piece.”

“Sounds like a nice, easy job.” The ache in Allie's heart tightened with Kaidan's apparent indifference. “Easier than fighting Reapers, anyway.”

“True.” He finally smiled at her. “There wasn't any action on this trip, but I'll take fighting a band of mercs over going against one banshee any day.”

He visibly shuddered at the mention of the Reaper-fied asari. Allie remembered how their shrieks used to cut through her. For Kaidan, it was worse. There was something about the pitch that always triggered his migraines.

“I'll trade you,” she said, turning her attention back to her sushi. “I'll take on some mercs and you can help the Alliance with their recruitment.”

“No, thanks,” he laughed. “I'll take on a squadron of Banshees over that any day.”

Allie relaxed a little at Kaidan's laughter, hoping that maybe they could still end the night on a good note. She already decided against taking to him, thinking his change in reaction was a cue that she'd be lucky to consider calling him a friend again. “So, dessert?” she asked, offering him another smile.

“Sure.” He returned the gesture, but Allie couldn't help but feel like it was forced. She turned her attention back to the menu and pressed her lips together, hurt and disappointed that things were going in the opposite direction than she'd hoped. Fortunately, her traitorous brain was prevented from making any more heartbreaking theories when the maître d' hurried to their table.

“I'm sorry to disturb you, but there is a rather burly individual who insists he needs to speak with you immediately.”

Kaidan and Allie each looked at the host's podium and saw James standing with his hands clasped behind his back. “Oh, shit,” Allie muttered, shaking her head. “Yeah, that's my XO. Would you send him back, please?”

The maître d' bowed and hurried away. “What's going on?” Kaidan frowned.

“I don't know, but if James is here, it can't be good.”

“Lola, I'm really sorry for this, but we have to go.” James spoke in hushed tones and squatted next to his CO. “I tried stalling...”

“James, it's ok. What's going on? Is someone hurt?” Allie knew that if James were there, it had to be bad news.

“No, everyone is fine, but we really need to go. Like, five minutes ago.”

“Ok, do I get a hint at least?” Allie replaced her napkin on the table and reached for her bag, fishing through the contents for a credit chit.

“I can't, Colonel. Not for this one.” James pursed his lips and sighed. “It's why I had to come and get you. They didn't want to risk contacting you on an unsecure line.”

Allie paused her search to give her XO a curious glance. “Not even to recall me to my own ship?”

“You'll understand when we get back,” he replied.

Allie nodded and wrapped her fingers around the chit. “Kaidan, I'm so sorry,” Allie said.

“It's ok,” he shrugged, folding his hands in his lap. “Duty calls. I get it.”

Allie looked at him, heartbroken at his reaction. He leveled a cool gaze in her direction, as though he thought this was some kind of set-up to get her out of dinner. He arched an eyebrow at her as she slid her chit across the table.

“Get some dessert, refill your drink,” she muttered, pushing her chair back.

She clenched her jaw and sniffed, desperately trying to keep her emotions in check. James's presence was drawing attention and she didn't want her tears to make things worse. She leaned over and whispered in Kaidan's ear, “Just so you know, this wasn't how I wanted things to go tonight.”

She closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his cheek. She lingered for a moment, taking in the scent of his shampoo and cologne, the hint of biotic ozone, and the way it all combined to smell like _him_. If things went hard to port, she wanted something besides the cool looks and emotionless reactions to remember tonight by.

Allie straightened up, cleared her throat, and hurried away. She didn't want to compound her heartache by looking at a face that probably still seemed indifferent and irritated. She discreetly brushed her hand along her cheek and struggled to put her mind into 'mission mode'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard to write - my heart was breaking for Allie when I wrote it. I hope you enjoyed reading it - it's a little longer than most of them have been, but I think it was worth it. Let me know if you agree!


	8. A Frustrating Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James stops by Allie's quarters with a peace offering and some advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is super, duper short, but I felt like it was necessary to help tie the other chapters in together. It didn't seem to fit if I added it to either the last chapter (which is already pretty long) or the next one, so it gets its very own place in the story.

When the war ended, there were Reaper corpses and tech everywhere. Things were in such chaos that no one thought about the repercussions from disposing the enemies' remains. Reaper Indoctrination was so barely understood that most people didn't believe it was a legitimate concern. It was over a year before the Council had enough 'actionable information' (Allie loved using air quotes when talking about it) to pass and strongly enforce laws regarding handling Reaper debris. Those laws included identifying potential 'at risk' survivors based on how much time they spent around certain types of war remains. There were no exceptions – survivors who were identified underwent extreme psychological evaluations and testing. They were kept quarantined for months while experts from various fields made sure they didn't pose a threat to the general population.

Allie had a huge part in helping develop the laws and procedures to not only identify potential indoctrination victims but also how to help them recover. It was a mystery how she managed to remain untouched from Reaper control – no one knew of anyone in this cycle who had been exposed to as much Reaper influence as she had been, yet she remained immune to the effects of indoctrination. Some thought it had to do with the implants Cerberus gave her during Project Lazarus while others thought she was actually a sleeper agent who was never activated. Regardless, the Council turned to Allie for her help. Since she wasn't cleared for active duty yet and needed something to do to keep from going stir crazy, she jumped at the chance.

Clearing Reapers corpses and tech from invasion areas became a priority, halting nearly all rebuilding efforts. It took only a couple of years to get the majority of the remains cleared away and safely destroyed. As focus shifted back to rebuilding efforts, special teams were assembled to deal with any other Reaper detritus still around. When pieces were discovered, the site was quarantined and Allie was called in to not only help oversee disposal, but to also provide security. Reaper remnants fetched an unbelievably high price on the black market.

That's what the mission was James had to fetch her for. Her dinner was interrupted (and a potential disaster averted) because some chucklehead not only found a husk corpse but decided to place it in the middle of a playground. Allie sighed and shook her head, trying again to focus on the information in front of her – location, population, other Alliance/Council forces on scene, steps that were already taken, things that still needed to be done... It was a lot of information to go through and the personnel on scene would be expecting Allie to show up with a plan all ready to go. What made it even more complicated was trying to find who did it in the first place. Was it a one time practical joke thing, or a prelude to something much darker?

Another sigh, another head shake, and Allie finally just gave up. The Normandy left the Citadel several hours ago and she just couldn't focus on the task at hand. All she could think about was her failed dinner with Kaidan and how quickly her mood had gone from optimistic and hopeful to crushed in the span of about an hour. She couldn't get Kaidan's face out of her mind, either, and the way his attitude changed.

She pushed herself away from her desk, realizing that if she wasn't going to get any work done, she might as well not try and force herself to do it. She snagged her personal datapad and curled on up the couch. She thought about reading more fanfic but decided that might not be such a good idea, given her current mindset. Instead, she played with a chunk of her hair, weaving and twirling it through her fingers, and stared at her fish tank.

_Are you sure he even wants to still be friends?_ she wondered.

“I don't fucking know,” she muttered as a vice clamped around her chest. She wondered what his reaction was to the kiss on his cheek and her last words to him. She hated leaving like that – if the worst happened, her last thoughts would probably be filled with regret that she was the reason things between them hadn't worked out. She hoped her words and the kiss were enough for him to know that she didn't hate him and that she wanted things between them to be different.

Her door chimed, pulling her back from her thoughts. “It's open,” she called. She brushed her hand along her cheek, wiping away a tear she hadn't realized she shed.

“Hey, Lola, did I catch you at a bad time? I brought a peace offering.”

Allie looked at the steps, smiling at a sheepish James who stood with a bottle of tequila and two glasses. “A peace offering? As long as it isn't that swill you try to pass off as good stuff, then I might accept. Why would you need a peace offering?”

“For interrupting your dinner.” Her XO took a seat next to her and poured them each a shot. “I know you two needed it.”

A wry chuckle slipped past Allie's lips as she downed her shot. “God, James, that shit is nasty,” she sputtered. “I don't think lemon or salt would help. Give me more.”

James snickered and did as Allie asked. She downed that one just as quick, made another face, and leaned back against the couch again. “You don't have anything to apologize for,” she said. “And to be perfectly honest with you, your timing was perfect.”

“What?” James frowned. “I thought you two were getting along.”

“Depends on the day and who you ask.” Allie's chuckle was tinged with sarcasm, a tone not lost on her friend.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he offered.

Allie quirked an eyebrow at him and shook her head. “I know you and Kaidan are still good friends. I don't want to put you in the middle like that.”

“Lola, you wouldn't be putting me in the middle” James explained. “I'm your friend, too, and if you need to talk, even if it's about Kaidan, I'm here to listen.”

Allie took a deep breath and gave James's offer serious thought. The only person she talked to about what was going on between her and Kaidan over the past several weeks was Liara, who always dropped not-so-subtle hints about what she thought Kaidan was feeling and what she thought Allie should do about it. Their last conversation gave Allie some new perspective, but maybe that wasn't enough. Liara and Kaidan were still friends, true, but not like James and Kaidan were. Maybe leaning on her XO would give her some new hope to cling to.

She felt a gentle hand on her leg and raised her eyes to meet James's. “Lola, talk to me.”

She sighed, and started with how they reconnected at the Council dinner. She told him everything – the time they spent together, how she realized how much she missed him, the look he'd constantly get on his face and how much it hurt.

“You two need to talk to each other. You know that, right?” James asked, pouring out yet another shot for each of them.

“Funny you should say that because I was planning on doing just that at dinner tonight before he gave me another one of those looks,” she lamented, downing the shot. She shuddered and handed him the glass again. “More.”

James studied her for a few moments, then poured another round. “Can I ask a question?”

“Sure,” Allie shuddered when she downed the new shot and resumed playing with her hair.

“What did you say to him before you walked away?”

She paused and raised an eyebrow at her second-in-command. “I told him it wasn't how I wanted the evening to go. Why?”

James shook his head and sighed. “Because he looked... well, devastated. Wrecked. I thought maybe you told him you didn't want to see him anymore.”

Allie's jaw dropped and she knew the surprise she felt showed on her face when James gave her leg a friendly pat and a sad smile. “Are you sure you don't like this stuff,” he grinned, pouring her another round.

“Yes. It's awful.”

“Do you want me to talk to him for you?”

Allie nearly spat out her drink at his offer. “No. Oh, god, no, James. Please don't do that.”

“Are you sure? I don't mind and it sounds like you two might need a middle man.”

Allie took a deep breath and leveled her best Colonel Shepard Is Not To Be Fucked With face at her second in command. “James, I swear on all that is holy, if you tell Kaidan anything I just now said to you, I will kill you. I'll kill you and I'll get away with it because I'll claim Spectre status. And not only will I kill you and get away with it, I'll hide your body so it'll never, ever be found. But that will only happen after I make you watch me pour all of your tequila down the drain.”

James blinked at her before grinning and putting his hands up in a defensive posture. “Not the tequila. The rest is understandable, but don't dump my tequila. My lips are sealed, Scout's honor.”

Allie laughed and James assured her again that he wouldn't breathe a word to Kaidan. The pair sat in silence for a few moments before James spoke again, this time to ask questions about the mission. They discussed several possible primary plans as well as contingency plans for each main course of action. Allie voiced her concerns about how a husk corpse showed up like that and she and James pondered several possibilities as well as what further steps they might take.

James glanced at the clock Allie kept on her nightstand, stood, and stretched his arms over his head, groaning when his back popped. “Carajo, I think I'm getting to old for this, Lola.”

“I don't want to hear it,” Allie smirked. “Come and see me when you've come back from the dead and saved the galaxy twice.”

“Fair point,” James laughed, making his way up the steps. “Oh, and you can keep the tequila. You might need another drink later.”

He paused at the door and turned back, looking at her through the clear plexiglass that held her model ship collection. “Can I offer a piece of advice?”

“Sure,” Allie shrugged.

“Don't give up. You and Kaidan... man, you two had something that that very few people are lucky to find even once in their life and now you have a very real chance to have it again. Seriously, Lola. Don't. Give. Up.”

He turned and strolled through the door before Allie could say anything. She sighed and resumed playing with her hair, left alone with her thoughts and half a bottle of tequila.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> carajo - fuck
> 
> I want to point out that Allie isn't trivializing James's aches and pains. She knows he's got his own scars and has been through some stuff, too. They're just good friends who have that kind of joking-around relationship.


	9. My Head's Spinning Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie takes James's advice, but things with Kaidan don't seem to get any better. With her birthday right around the corner, might she finally get the one present she really wants?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason when I updated yesterday, I was thinking it was Friday. I don't know why my brain thought this unless it was simply to share another chapter (because honestly, I love this story). I realized my mistake when my calendar reminder went off last night at work & I realized what I'd done. So, since the last chapter was so short, I'm just going to treat it as a bonus and update today as I normally with with a normal-length chapter.

Over the next several months, Allie did try. She showed up to more of James's poker games and if Kaidan was there, she'd brace herself for the inevitable change in expression and attitude she'd become so painfully familiar with. She also messaged him occasionally, usually under the guise of asking about his students or to make sure the missions she heard about through the grapevine went well. She stopped going out of her way to avoid him at social functions, as well. She drew the line at one-on-one time with him, though, thankful but still disappointed he never asked about another dinner or movie. It was hard enough for her to try and ignore his unhappy looks when there were other people around and she knew if it happened while they were alone together, she'd probably break down and start crying.

Several times, she managed to work up the courage to talk to him, only to have it continually dashed by the shift in his mood. Things with Kaidan had fallen into a painful routine - things would go well for a little, then she'd get the nerve to talk to him only to have him give her The Look and make her change her mind. She finally realized that she couldn't keep going like this – walking on eggshells around him, not fully able to enjoy any time with him because she was afraid of somehow upsetting him and triggering a foul mood.

It didn't help much that some of her friends were trying to 'help'. James hinted several more times that he'd be willing to play the middle man and Joker constantly made comparisons to how the pair were on the SR-1. Even Tali and Garrus tried to persuade her to sit down and talk to Kaidan, agreeing with Joker's comparisons and telling her to take James up on his offer. Liara was the most persistent, though, reminding her how Kaidan always asked about her and pushed for the two of them to get together with more frequency than anyone else.

When she realized her birthday was in two weeks, she made up her mind that would be her deadline – either she and Kaidan would have a conversation by then or she'd let things go back to the way they were. The thought of never seeing Kaidan again weighed heavy on her heart, but it was better than the constant grief she was putting herself and Kaidan through, because to be honest, the changes in his mood probably meant being around her was distressing for him. He was always in a good frame of mind when they'd first see each other, but it never lasted and for him and that had to suck – wondering how long it would take before Allie said or did something that upset him.

The night before her self-imposed deadline, Allie's heart hammered in her chest at the prospect of finally (maybe) laying all of her cards on the table. She typed a dozen messages to him thinking it would be easier to say her piece in writing than in person (after all, she wouldn't be able to hear him laugh in response or roll his eyes in disgust that way, right?), but each time she deleted it, thinking it was a conversation they needed to have face-to-face.

Allie finally closed her messaging program, determined not to look at it again until the next day. “Either it's going to be the best birthday I've ever had or I'll probably never celebrate it again,” she sighed, nestled back against her pillows, and opened up her browser, and hoped paging through some of the newer Shenko fics would give her the courage she knew she'd need

* * *

Allie woke with a start, panicking for a moment with the idea that she'd overslept. Her eyes darted around her room and she reached for her omnitool, finally remembering that she'd turned her alarm off the night before. She laughed at herself for forgetting about that – it was the one day each year she absolutely took for herself: no PT, no paperwork, no calls or messages from Alliance brass or the Council or anyone else who might decide to send her out and about on the one day each year she didn't want to do a damn thing.

Her birthday.

She preferred not to make a huge deal about her birthday – maybe a simple dinner and drinks with some friends or some ice cream and cake with whomever she was on duty with. After the war, though, April 11 became a galactic holiday, much to Allie's chagrin. Suddenly she was inundated with cards and gifts. People tried sending her food which, unfortunately, usually showed up spoiled, moldy, or otherwise uneatable. She quickly put the word out that if people wanted to do something for her birthday, they could pick a charity from a huge list of Allie's favorites to donate to or help with the ongoing rebuilding efforts.

People still sent her things, though they were in far greater numbers now than they used to be. The Alliance eventually set up a special team to handle the immense volume of things people sent her. She usually tried to help go through the list and direct where certain things should go, but the team Hackett picked out were unusually good at making those determinations themselves. Allie rarely had to overrule their decisions and today was no different. She slipped into the kitchen, started a pot of coffee, and opened her email to review this year's list of gifts. The team had already put a huge dent in everything – gift cards were either donated or used to purchase supplies for refugees and the rebuilding efforts, artwork and stories were boxed up and stored, food stuff was either tossed or donated, and there was a short list of items the team thought Allie might want to keep.

She smiled, happy this was still one less thing she needed to worry about today.

When her coffee finished, she padded into the living room, determined to not change out of her pajamas unless she absolutely had to. There was a red sand operation she'd been investigating but she even managed to put off any work regarding that until April 12. She didn't want to have to deal with killing people on her birthday (though there were some who might argue doing so would actually be a good way for her to spend her special day). If things went this year as they usually did, her crew would stop by later in the afternoon and early evening, with food and gifts in hand to help her celebrate. They gave up long ago trying to talk her into going out into public – while she could usually move about in relative anonymity now, today was the one day each year people tried desperately to catch a glimpse of the galaxy's savior.

Allie fixed her coffee and curled up on the couch, snuggled in a blanket to get caught up on some of her reading. Conrad sent her the rough draft of a story he was working on that sounded very much like his life's story. The names were all changed, but the events in the story were obviously his attempt at an autobiography. When he pitched the idea to her, she offered to read it for him, a suggestion that turned him the brightest shade of red she'd ever seen while he stumbled over the reasons why he didn't think it was a good idea.

Her offer was sincere and she finally talked him into sending her the first chapter, When she skimmed it, she was impressed. He had a serious knack for being descriptive and his narrative voice was exceptional. When she messaged him and told his as much, she could practically hear him basking in her praise. He was speechless when she offered to write a foreword for him, too.

She reminded him she was no editor, but offered a few suggestions and he sent her his entire manuscript. She read it when she could, sending him small changes here and there, but today she planned on doing nothing but reading Conrad's take on the war, his foul-ups, the things he learned, and his friendship with Commander Dobie. When she first saw that name, she frowned and Conrad quickly explained that a shepherd is also an amazing breed of dog, protective and excellent with helping in police work, so he decided to use a shortened version of Doberman because they're also fierce, amazing dogs.

“But it sounds like that house elf from those old human books about wizards,” she explained.

Conrad blinked and thought for a moment. “Yeah, but wasn't he also really good with magic? He was a good friend to people and did what he thought was right.”

“Conrad, he died.”

“Well, so did you,” he scoffed, “and look at you. You came back better than ever!”.

Allie couldn't argue with that logic and realized that either way of looking at the name was a good thing and every time she flipped through his manuscript, she remembered the conversation and chuckled. This time was no different, and she settled in on the couch, wondering how the witches and wizards of Hogwart's would react to someone like her.

Several hours and pots of coffee later, Allie put her datapad aside and stretched. Her stomach growled and she realized she hadn't eaten anything yet, so she threw some leftovers in the microwave and let her thoughts wander. She thought about the dozens of 'invitations' in her inbox (nothing formal, just the usual “we're having a get-together and you can come if you like”, so she didn't feel guilty about not responding). From there, her mind wandered to her crew and what they might be doing – EDI and Joker were probably arguing about how to wrap the gift she was certain EDI had purchased months before and with considerable thought and planning. James and Cortez were probably buying tequila and snacks for when they stopped by later. Kaidan was probably...

Allie shook her head. Kaidan wasn't part of her crew and hadn't been for some time. She hadn't heard anything from him on her birthday for several years and she didn't expect that to change now. Did he even remember it was her birthday? Did he care? He had no reason to and while the thought put a tiny ache in her heart, Allie reminded herself that he was a grown man and she had no claim over him or his time. If he didn't give a rat's ass about what day it was, she had no right to be hurt or upset about it, especially with how tenuous their friendship was.

Still, she wondered what he was doing – it was early in the afternoon, so maybe he was at the Spectre range, working on a mod for one of his rifles. Or maybe he was at the arena, getting some training in. Maybe the gym? Heat bloomed across Allie's stomach when she thought back to how good he looked when they fought at the Arena together. She knew he still did PT on a regular basis, but his routine had always been tailored to improve his stamina and strengthen his biotics, not to build or maintain muscle like James did. Sure, he bulked up a little after Horizon, but she knew added mass wasn't his goal, so he wasn't as worried about keeping it like James was.

Allie stared at her omnitool when an urge to call him suddenly came over her, just to invite him to watch a movie and maybe eat dinner or something innocent like that. It would present the perfect opportunity to talk to him, in case he didn't otherwise come by or call or anything. And while her crew always showed up on her birthday, she shouldn't assume they always would and she didn't necessarily want to be alone either. So why not call Joker or Sam or anyone from the crew to stop over? Why was she so obsessed with inviting Kaidan all of a sudden?

She took a deep breath, cleared her throat, and shook her head. “That's enough, Shepard,” she chastised herself, thankful when the microwave pinged that her food was done. She carefully pulled the plate from the appliance, fixed yet another cup of coffee, and sat on the couch, hoping to find a movie or something to watch and take her mind off of Kaidan Alenko.

Instead of a movie, Allie spent the next hour or so flipping through various news channels, watching coverage of how different places were celebrating her birthday. Mindoir was a planet-wide festival with speeches and parties punctuated by moments of silence and memorials for the people who died during the batarian raid. A couple of settlements in the Traverse had erected statues to commemorate her work in stopping the Collector attacks. She paused on ANN and watched Admrial Hackett talk about her accomplishments and how they led to her Spectre nomination. The report showed several old clips of Allie and her crew through the years – after they beat Saren, different interviews of them after she died, blurry sightings of her on and around Omega, the celebrations after the Reapers defeated. Kaidan was in several of them and every time she saw him, her heart beat a little faster. It was strange to see how much he'd changed – how much they'd _all_ changed, honestly. On the SR-1, he had that youthful, freshly-scrubbed look about him. After the Reapers showed up, though, he had more wrinkles, more grey hair. Still, he was aging like a fine wine, one that Allie would like to sample one last time.

An incoming call brought Allie out of her thoughts and she frowned. Only a small handful of people knew the protocols to get around her Do Not Disturb feature and it was pretty well known that if she wasn't taking calls it was for a good reason. The number wasn't one she recognized and her frown deepened when she answered it.

“This is Colonel Shepard.”

“Colonel Shepard? I'm terribly sorry to disturb you today, but my name is Detective Drustis Banion, with C-Sec, ma'am. Do you know a Commander James Vega?”

Allie's blood ran cold and she froze in her tracks, praying this wasn't one of _those_ calls. “I do. Is he ok?”

“He's a little worse for wear, ma'am. He was involved in an altercation and when I found out who he served under, well, I thought you might want to handle this in-house, so to speak.”

Allie blinked and shook her head. “'A little worse for wear'? An altercation? What happened? Where is he?”

“One moment, please.” She could hear papers rustling in the background and couldn't keep up with the different scenarios that her brain was throwing at her.

“What the fuck did you do, James,” she grumbled to herself.

“Ah, ok, here we go. Your Commander Vega was returning from a bar with a Spectre Kaidan Alenko...”

“Wait, _Kaidan_ was involved?” Allie couldn't believe what she was hearing.

“Not exactly, ma'am, if you'd give me a moment to explain. They were returning back to Spectre Alenko's apartment from a bar when Commander Vega overheard several batarians speaking about you in a rather disrespectful manner. He confronted them and a fight broke out.”

“I kicked their asses, Lola!” Allie groaned and ran a hand down her face when she heard James in the background.

“Is everyone ok?” she asked, wondering if she was going to have to help sort out any medical expenses or pay for damaged property. She raced up the stairs to her bedroom and quickly changed her clothes.

“For the most part. Commander Vega is a bit bruised up; you might want to get him checked at a hospital. As I said, he told me he was under your chain-of-command, so I thought you might want to keep this low key.”

“I appreciate that, Detective. What about the batarians?” The last thing Allie needed was for them to have another reason to hate her. Nine years after the Alpha Relay incident and she still received the occasional death threat. Liara also quashed numerous attempts to put a bounty on her head.

“The batarians didn't want to cause a scene. They trust you to handle the punishment end of things.”

“And Kaidan? I mean, Spectre Alenko?”

“He's fine. All we need is for you to come here and sign some paperwork so we can release the commander into your custody.”

“And where is here?” Allie slipped into her shoes and grabbed her ID as she headed for the door.

“We're located at Spectre Alenko's apartment. Do you need the address?”

“No, I know where it is. Can I please talk to Commander Vega?” Allie's mood shifted from stomach-wrenching concern to blood-boiling anger in a matter of moments.

“Lola! You'd have been proud of me. I wiped the floor with those guys!” Vega's speech was a bit rushed and a touch slurred. Allie guessed (and honestly hoped) he was drunk.

“James, you listen to me and you listen good. You'd better be drunk as a fucking skunk because if you aren't, you and I are gonna dance and it won't be pretty, you got me? Today is my fucking birthday and bailing your fucking ass out of a mess like this is not how I wanted to spend it.” Allie flagged down a skycab and keyed in Kaidan's address.

“Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. Happy birthday, ma'am.”

“Save it, Commander,” she snapped. “When I get there, you'd better be wearing ear plugs because your ass is grass and I'm the mower.”

Allie closed the connection and took a few deep breaths. “Happy fucking birthday to me,” she grumbled as the skycab merged into traffic.

* * *

Allie took a moment to compose herself before stepping out of the skycab. Fortunately, no one seemed to notice her, but she didn't need any paparazzi wondering why she was storming about and obviously angry. Her composure slipped a little once she got in the elevator, though. She curled her hands into fists, pursing her lips as blue biotic energy swirled around her hands. “I'm gonna kill him,” she muttered to herself. “I”m gonna make him watch me dump his fucking tequila down the fucking sink and then I'm gonna kill him.”

She knocked on Kaidan's door, practically shoving him aside when he opened it. “Commander Vega, I want a fucking explanation...”

Her voice trailed off when a litany of voices shouted, “SURPRISE!” A knot formed in her throat when she looked around Kaidan's apartment, which was decked out in banners, streamers, and dozens of balloons. Her breath caught in her throat when she felt Kaidan come up behind her, slipping and arm around her waist, his breath hot against her ear as his voice took on a husky tone that shot straight to her core.

“Gotcha. Happy birthday, Allie.”

She turned around, thrilled to see the smile on his lips reached his eyes, making them crinkle and shine. “Yeah, you did. You got me good.”

Allie turned and surveyed the crowd, looking for James. “And where is my damned XO? I'm still gonna kill him.”

She laughed when she finally found him, 'hiding' behind Sam. “Don't hurt me too bad, Lola!” he pleaded, a troublemaking smirk plastered on his face. “I just did what I was told!”

“Oh, so pretending to be in trouble wasn't your idea?” She crossed her arms over her chest, her smile giving away the fact that she wasn't the least bit angry.

“Well, not entirely. Kaidan helped!”

“Snitch!” Kaidan exclaimed. “You were supposed to keep that a secret and keep me out of the dog house!”

“So who was the C-Sec guy who called?” Allie asked, still in shock this party was really happening.

“Oh, that was Barry, the concierge downstairs,” Kaidan shrugged, a huge smile on his face. “He was more than happy to do it, too.”

Allie laughed and made her way to the living room to celebrate her birthday with her friends. The Normandy's crew were all there, including the newer transfers who were still a little awestruck at being assigned to the most famous ship in the fleet. Liara was there and had dragged Javik along (who seemed to be enjoying himself more than he was letting on). There were vid messages from Tali, Wrex, and Garrus, but Grunt was able to make it (and only because James promised they could play Pin the Tail on the Pyjak, though he drew the line at using real pyjaks like Grunt did at his parties and no, they weren't going to be pinning tails on each other, either). Jack stopped by with Eezo (much to Grunt's delight and Kaidan's chagrin) and apologized that Miranda wouldn't be joining them. They raised their glasses to Thane, Mordin, Legion, and Ash but James was good at not letting the mood get too somber. They shared stories, relating some of the crazier things Allie had done over the years (Kaidan visibly blanched when Joker mentioned how Allie had to jump nearly fifty feet to get away from the Collectors and back on the ship).

Kaidan's behavior confused the hell out of Allie. Sometimes he hovered close by, quick to put a hand in the small of her back or casually touch her arm like they were still dating and other times, he stood aside, watching her with a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. Allie should have known it would happen and the first time she saw it, her heart sank. She wondered if he resented having the party at his place – why didn't Vega and Cortez offer theirs instead? Or maybe have it on the ship?

Allie knew they should talk – they _needed_ to talk, today was the deadline, after all – but like every time before, her courage evaporated when she saw him stare at her like he was struggling to control his anger. In her mind, those looks were all the conversation they needed to have – he was still hurt by her rejection and the fact that she let their friendship slip away. He still didn't trust her, not like he used to. No amount of time spent together now, no matter how enjoyable it was, would make up for that. Allie resigned herself to the fact that she'd have to be content with the good memories she had from the last few months and let things go back to the way they were.

The party lasted for hours, with food and drinks flowing freely. The time came, though, when people gradually started saying their goodbyes. As more and more people left, Allie helped gather dirty dishes and set the recyclable things by the sink to get rinsed. Not long after the first people started leaving, Allie found herself alone with Kaidan. She stood as he walked back to the living room, having helped Steve escort a very drunk James out of the door with Steve giving both Allie and Kaidan numerous assurances they'd be fine getting home.

“So, um, you want some help cleaning the rest of this up?” Allie asked, gesturing around at the various dishes and glasses still littered around the apartment.

“You don't have to,” Kaidan shrugged as he started to clear away the party's remains. “It's your birthday.”

“I know, but I feel bad making you do all the work.” The pair worked in silence but quickly fell into a system – Kaidan brought the dirty stuff to Allie and put away the dishes and recycling as she cleaned them. Allie felt a tension between the two of them that seemed to grow the longer they were alone. She hoped it was in her head, but she felt like Kaidan didn't want her there. Or maybe it was just her projecting her own insecurities onto the situation. Regardless, Allie felt more and more like she overstayed her welcome. She dried the last dish, wiped her hands on the towel, and cleared her throat.

“Ok, well, I guess that's it then. Thanks for doing this for me, Kaidan. I had a good time.”

She turned around and found Kaidan staring at her. His jaw was clenched, like when he was trying to keep his emotions under control and Allie's heart sank into her stomach again. “I'll get out of your hair now,” she murmured, stepping past him to get to the door.

“Allie, wait.” Kaidan reached out and grabbed her arm, turning her toward him. He sighed, then leaned over, gently brushing his lips against hers. Allie's breath hitched when he pulled back, his eyes searching her face. She cradled his face in her hands and stood on her tiptoes, returning his embrace. She nipped at his lower lip and whimpered when he opened his mouth, dancing his tongue around hers. He pulled her tighter against him and deepened the kiss, growling as his hands traced along her back before settling on her ass.

When they came up for air, Allie offered him a small, sad smile. She needed to get home – she couldn't afford the luxury of a late night because she had to get an early start. She didn't want to leave, though, not now that it was obvious Kaidan still wanted her. She pressed her lips together and turned away, hoping she could go before she said or did something to make things awkward.

Kaidan grabbed her wrist, though, and pulled her back against him. “Hey, hey, hey,” he murmured. “Where are you going?”

“Kaidan...” she started, unable to look at him.

“Stay here tonight,” he whispered, crooking a finger under her chin and tilting her face up to look at him.

Allie worked her jaw, trying to form an answer. She wanted to stay. Gods help her she wanted him more than anything right now but there was doubt creeping into her brain. Doubt she quickly squashed when she remembered how he didn't do this sort of thing lightly. If he wanted her, it wasn't just for sex. He felt something for her. He had to.

As if he sensed her doubt, he pressed his forehead to hers and whispered, “Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Allie... the chance to hold the man she loves one more time? Will they actually talk? Will she even agree to stay???? It's hard to say with these two.


	10. Every Hour Has Come To This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie makes her choice, but things might not be what they seem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here there be smut. Well, kind of. I have a hard time writing it, so things aren't as detailed as I'd like them to be, so I leave it to your imagination. I'm sure you, dear reader, will do just fine. ;)

_As if he sensed her doubt, he pressed his forehead to hers and whispered, “Please.”_

In that moment, Allie Shepard lost her heart to him all over again. She snaked her fingers through his hair and rubbed his amp with her thumb, smiling when his breath hitched. “Alright, Kaidan,” she murmured, “but I have to be up early.”

“Then I won't wear you out too much,” he replied, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

He crashed his mouth to hers, their moans muffled against each others lips. He cupped her ass and picked her up, wrapping her legs around his waist. Allie pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. She raked her fingers along his back and up his neck, teasing the flesh that surrounded his amp. His growl made her smirk against his lips, pleased she could still get that response from him.

They made their way to the bedroom, scattering their clothes as they went. Allie slid herself back down Kaidan's legs, taking a moment to make sure she was steady on her feet before deftly undoing his jeans, sliding them over his hips, kneeling as the denim pooled at his feet.. His cock was thick and heavy in her hand and the sound he made when she wrapped her fingers around it was music to her ears.

“Allie,” he breathed, gripping her wrist, “stop.”

She looked up at him, confused as he pulled her to her feet. His eyes raked over her face as he brushed a loose tendril of hair back from her forehead. “It's your birthday, not mine,” he murmured, resting his forehead against hers.

Allie blinked and felt her jaw tremble. _Is that it? He's doing this because it's my birthday?_ She mentally chastised herself for thinking this might mean more. Still, she wasn't going to turn down the chance to be with him one last time, whether there was romantic intent on his part or not. He wanted to do this, she wasn't fool enough to say no.

She didn't trust her voice, so she nodded in response. He was tender when he guided her back onto the bed, his lips and tongue kissing and tracing their way along her body as he removed the last of her clothes. She watched as he settled between her legs, a soft smirk on his lips before kissing between her folds.

Her head fell back on the mattress and an almost forgotten sound sighed from her mouth. He remembered everything – how to touch her, where to kiss her, how to curl his fingers inside of her _just so_ and make her arch off the bed. It seemed like only moments passed before Allie was clutching at the sheet and gripping Kaidan's hair as her orgasm crashed over her. Her biotics flared, bathing them in a soft, blue glow and his name fell from her lips in breathy gasps when the second one followed closely behind. The third one had him gripping her hips to keep her on on the bed as she writhed under his ministrations.

He kissed his way back up her torso, giving her a chance to catch her breath before easing himself between her legs. She cradled his face in her hands, pulling him into a kiss as he pushed inside her. He breathed her name against her lips and slowly eased himself back out, then hilted himself deep inside her.

He set an easy pace and Allie relished the feel of his bare skin against hers, refreshing her memory with the sounds he made that shot straight to her core, the hint of biotic ozone mixed with the musky cologne he wore that gave her butterflies, the faint taste of the whiskey he had earlier... she closed her eyes and focused on all of the sensations bombarding her instead of the idea this was a pity fuck for her birthday.

They settled into a familiar rhythm that felt far better than Allie remembered. Her fingers trailed along his skin, relearning the curves and valleys of Kaidan's body, relishing in the feel of his lips on her skin, his tongue tracing patterns in the spots he remembered that drove her crazy. Their bodies came together again and again, their names falling from each others lips in a desperate mantra as their hands roved and explored each other. Allie's back arched off the bed when she reached her peak and Kaidan's came close behind. They finished, breathless and tangled in the sheets. Kaidan hovered over Allie, resting his forehead against hers. “Happy birthday, Shepard,” he murmured.

The heartache she'd managed to ignore roared back to life – another reminder that this was for her birthday _and_ he used her last name. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes when she whispered, “Best present ever.”

She patted his hip, gasping when he slipped from inside her when he shifted to let her up. She hurried to the bathroom, knowing she wouldn't be able to stem the flow of tears this time. She took a few minutes to try and compose herself, keeping her sniffles as quiet as she could, then splashed her face with cold water, hoping the temperature would hide the red in her eyes.

When she stepped back into the bedroom, Kaidan was propped up on the pillows. His hands were clasped behind his head and his eyes were closed. If Allie didn't know better, she'd have thought he dozed off. She took a few moments to drink in the sight in front of her – the flex of his biceps with the way his arms were angled, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the relaxed look on his face. Allie's heart hammered in her chest when she realized this would be the last time she'd get to see him like this. She loved him just as much, if not more than, she did when they first got together. It should have been an easy thing, to ask him how he felt about her, to see if they might still have a chance together. She couldn't bring herself to do it, though, not after all of the looks and the idea that this new intimacy was a facade because it was her birthday. She swallowed hard and sighed, steeling her resolve to protect her heart and put Kaidan at arm's length again.

Her sigh was more audible than she thought because the sound made Kaidan open his eyes. He gave her a warm smile and Allie's heart did somersaults. “You ok? You were in there a while.”

“I'm good,” she smiled, hoping her expression looked more relaxed than it felt. She lingered in the doorway for a few more moments, still taking in the sight of his chiseled features when he cleared his throat.

“You, uh, coming back to bed? It's getting cold over here.” He raised an eyebrow and patted the spot next to him.

Allie hesitated for a moment. She wanted to leave, to gather up her clothes and sleep the rest of the night in her own bed, but the chance for one last cuddle with the man she loved was too strong a temptation to resist, even if he didn't love her back. She pulled back the sheet and nestled herself against his chest. He stroked his fingers through her hair, then grazed them along her back, tracing gentle patterns in her skin. After a few moments, Allie picked her head up and ran her fingers through his beard.

“So, I've got to ask you,” Allie smiled, but hesitated, wondering if her question might upset him somehow.

Kaidan adjusted his head on his pillow and smiled back at her. “Ask me what?”

She realzed the worst that would happen would be him giving her _that look_ again or asking her to leave. Then again, he might not be bothered by her question at all, so she threw caution to the wind.

“What's up with this?” she asked, still playing with the soft hair that covered the bottom half of his face.

Kaidan sighed as his eyes roved around Allie's face. His smile faded when he answered, “After the Normandy made it back to civilization, Hackett ordered everyone to take a considerable amount of time off. I went home and just kind of let myself go a little bit. The hair grew out some, the beard...”

“So you were going for a lumberjack vibe?” Allie grinned, easily picturing him with long hair pulled back in a ponytail at his neck.

“Complete with the flannel shirt and an ax over my shoulder,” Kaidan nodded solemnly before grinning back. “When Hackett called me to give me the teaching position, I lost the hair but kept the scruff.”

“It suits you,” Allie murmured, watching her fingers flick through the greying strands. “I like it.”

“Better than when I was bare faced?” Kaidan asked.

Allie thought for several moments and shook her head. “Honestly, either way is fine with me. I'd imagine the beard is easier for you to take care of. You went through razors like nobody's business because of how fast your stubble came in.”

“True, but the beard is a lot of work, too.” Kaidan leaned back a little and stroked his chin. “Keeping it trimmed so it stays within regulation is almost as hard as staying clean-shaven was. And it doesn't look this good on its own. I've got shampoo, conditioner, a special brush, disinfectant, beard oil...”

“You're kidding. Please tell me you're kidding,” Allie groaned. “You already used a ton of stuff for that mop on top of your head.”

'Hey, now,” Kaidan feigned offense, “I seem to remember you used to like playing with this mop on top of my head.”

Allie's smile faded as she thought back to when they were younger, together, and so very much in love. She did love playing with his hair, running her fingers through it to help get that biotic bump in his hairline to behave or gently tugging on it when she massaged his temples when he had a migraine. She reached up and ran her fingers through it again, not surprised that it was still as soft as she remembered.

Allie trailed her fingers along the back of Kaidan's head and over the front of his shoulder, coming to rest on an angry scar that she guessed was a bullet wound. “And this?” she asked, suddenly not sure she wanted to hear the answer.

Kaidan closed his eyes and sighed, wrapping his fingers around hers. “I was supposed to meet a contact,” he started, his eyes still closed. “It wound up being a set up. I wasn't wearing armor because I'd met with this girl dozens of times. The shooting started, she ran, I took cover, and I got nicked just as my barrier dropped.”

“This seems like more than a nick,” Allie murmured, sliding her fingers free and running them along his back. “There's no exit wound,” she frowned.

Another sigh, heavier this time. “No,” Kaidan admitted. “It was a shredder round and bounced around in there for a little.”

“A shredder?” Allie propped herself up and studied his face. “Kaidan you could've...”

“I almost did,” he murmured, unable to look at her. “Between the internal damage and the bleeding... the only thing that saved me was the fact that the meeting took place in a relatively crowded, public area. When things settled down, help came quick. I was out of commission for a bit and it still aches once in a while, like if I'm home and there's bad weather coming. But at least it was my left side, so I don't have any problems when I shoulder my rifle.”

Kaidan offered Allie a smile and she knew he was trying to lighten the mood a little. All she could do was nestle her head against his chest and press her eyes shut, not wanting to think about how she would have handled the news if he'd died and wondered how it was she hadn't heard about it in the first place.

“I'm sure you have your share of new scars,” he said after several moments of silence. His fingers skirted along her spine until they settled on a rather long one that ran down the right side of her back. “Like this?”

“Not nearly as dramatic as yours, I'm afraid,” Allie chuckled. “I got that one time Jack brought Eezo to the apartment. He played a little rougher than I was expecting.”

“Jack's varren did this? And it scarred?” Kaidan asked.

“It was worse than I thought,” Allie shrugged. “It got infected and Chakwas had to do some minor surgery to clean it out. Took eleven stitches to close it back up. She's offered to take care of the mark, but it doesn't bother me.”

Kaidan hummed in response and the pair fell silent again. Allie teased her fingers along Kaidan's chest, basking in the feel of his breathing beneath her, the softness of his beard nestled against the top of her head, the thin mat of hair that covered his chest, the way he smelled... she desperately tried to commit these things to memory so she'd have something to keep her company when her loneliness reared its ugly head.

She struggled to keep her eyes open – laying with him made her more comfortable and relaxed than she'd felt in a long time. She needed to stay awake, though, so she could slip out and avoid any awkwardness that would undoubtedly come with the morning. Eventually, Kaidan's hand stopped moving against her back and his breathing became deep and regular. Allie knew he was asleep, and she had to fight a chuckle, when he let out a couple of soft snores.

She laid there for a few more moments, reluctant to give up the last bit of physical contact she knew she'd have with him. She carefully maneuvered from under his arm, gave him one last look, and scooted from the bed.

Allie dressed as she scooped up her clothes. She tried to be quiet, but it was difficult to navigate through his apartment in the dark. There was a little light, a blue glow that seemed to come from everywhere, but it wasn't quite enough for her to move around confidently. She didn't remember him turning the lights off and wondered if they were on a timer. _That would make sense,_ she thought to herself, pulling her pants on as she hopped down the hallway, _since he still goes on the occasional mission. It probably helps keep potential trouble away._

She had to bite back a laugh when she found her bra draped over one of the lamps and nearly panicked when she couldn't find her shirt. She closed her eyes and thought back to where they where when he slipped it over her head...

“The couch,” she muttered, kneeling on the cushions to look behind it. She breathed a sigh of relief when she spied the heap of fabric. She pressed her face against the wall, pushing her arm between the couch and wall, her fingers barely grazing the fabric.

“Fuck,” she muttered. She didn't want to move his couch and risk waking him. This was already taking longer than she wanted and the more time she spent getting out, the more likely Kaidan would be to wake up. She pressed her lips together, gripped the arm of the couch, and gently slid it away from the wall. Once her shirt was in hand, she pushed the couch back, slipped the shirt over her head, and snagged her shoes from the hallway. She leaned against the wall, balancing herself as she pulled her shoes on her feet when Kaidan's voice came from behind her.

“You weren't going to say goodbye?”

Allie startled and spun around to find Kaidan watching her. He was leaning against the wall, wearing his boxer briefs with his arms crossed over his chest. The ambient light in his apartment reflected off his muscles, bathing him in an erotic glow that made butterflies swarm across her stomach. She moved her mouth like she wanted to talk, but nothing came out. She pressed her lips together and finished putting her shoes on while she thought about what to say.

“I just didn't have the heart to wake you,” she finally murmured. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't quite the truth, either. She sighed and glanced at him to find his expression hadn't changed – it was a mixture of disbelief and hurt.

“I'm sorry,” she added. And she was – her whole plan was to leave before Kaidan woke up so things wouldn't get awkward, but now he stood in front of her and she had no idea what to do. Part of her still wanted to bolt for the door – it wouldn't matter what his reaction would be because she didn't plan on speaking to him again if she could help it – but she waited to see what he would do.

Her heart hammered in her chest when he pushed himself off the wall and closed the distance between them. He took a deep breath and his eyes roamed over her face. He brushed his fingers through her hair and gave her a sad smile. “Next time, wake me,” he sighed.

“Next time?” Allie whispered, not sure how to react. Was she actually wrong? This wasn't just for her birthday? “You... you don't regret last night?”

“No. Not one bit,” Kaidan frowned and searched Allie's face. “Why? Did you?”

“No,” Allie shook her head and her heart soared. “I just... you had this look on your face like you... like you... and when you said about it being for my birthday...”

She hung her head and pressed her lips together, trying desperately not to cry. She wanted to stay with him more than anything now, to go back to his bed and curl up against him, his arms wrapped around her, holding her close. The knowledge that he wanted a next time gave her the courage to finally want to talk to him about her feelings, but she knew there was no time. She had to leave.

Kaidan crooked his finger under her chin and tilted her face up. “Last night was as important to me as the first time we were together, back before Ilos.”

Tears glistened in Allie's eyes as what Kaidan was saying sank in...

He wanted to be with her again, for them to be 'we'.

Allie swore when the alarm on her omnitool went off and she sighed when she silenced it, a desperate wish that she could put this mission on hold just one more day.

She looked up at Kaidan, his finger still under her chin and a soft smile on his lips. “I know,” he murmured, “you have to go.”

Allie could only nod as he cradled her face in his hands and brushed his lips against hers. “We'll talk when you get back, ok?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Allie croaked and cleared her throat. “I think that's a good idea.”

Then he smiled softly and traced his fingers along her cheek and kissed her forehead. Allie reluctantly stepped away from him and took a couple of steps backward, not wanting to let go of his hand. She gave him one last look before turning away and stepping toward the door. She paused with her hand on the doorknob when he called her name.

“Allie, please be careful. I don't want to lose you again.”

She turned just enough so Kaidan could see part of her face and gave him a soft smile. She wanted to tell him she loved him – he deserved to hear it after what she put him through and especially if things with this mission went sideways – but she couldn't quite bring herself to say it. Not yet.

Allie made her way back to her apartment and then to the Normandy in a haze of blissful hope, her mind wandering to the things Kaidan said before she left. They were going to talk and it seemed like all of her fears had been unfounded. All this time she wasted, worried that Kaidan still didn't trust her or was still hurt by her rejection, her fear that he might reject her. It all seemed so silly in light of the way things he said before she left.

When she got on the Normandy, she was thankful when no one gave her the third degree about the night before. She didn't feel like divulging something so personal and even though things looked promising, she wasn't sure it was a bet she'd take. Maybe Kaidan would change his mind. Maybe he'd decide last night was a mistake and they shouldn't talk about anything, much less getting back together. Still, it was hard for her to not get her hopes up.

Maybe they'd get their happy ending after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME, am I right??? Ugh, these two were killing me when I wrote this and it still isn't over - two more chapters to go. Let me know what you think!


	11. I Always Have...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie's mission doesn't go the way she expected and Kaidan offers his support. Do they finally have their heart-to-heart or do Allie's insecurities and doubt get in the way again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check the tags for triggers - this chapter gets a little dark in the beginning and I don't want to give too much away by explaining it here in the notes.

Allie seldom had reason to not trust any intel she was given for her missions. In the rare instances when her gut told her something was wrong, she double-checked and made sure she wasn't walking into a clusterfuck. For this mission, though, when she found out her slaver investigation crossed with a red sand case led by friend and fellow Spectre Jondam Bau, she was pleased that his intel matched her own. They teamed up and worked out where the base of operations was.

Allie also seldom underestimated a situation, mission, or enemy. Normally, she'd have touched down with her ground team and taken things slow, just in case her intel was a little off. Since she had matching information from Jondam, both of their teams went in guns blazing.

Allie seldom ever made a decision she regretted as much as not being more careful for this mission.

What should have been an easy op turned into one of the biggest clusterfucks of her career.

There weren't just a few innocent people at the warehouse, like their intel lead them to believe. Oh, no, their information had that all sorts of wrong. There were dozens and dozens of people, if not hundreds, trapped in cages that were booby trapped. The victims themselves had collars attached to their necks that would explode with the flip of a switch. On top of that, the slavers and drug runners were using them as shields.

Sam and EDI tried blocking signals from the Normandy to keep the collars from detonating, but several went off before they were able to scramble the signal. Same for the booby trapped cages – a few exploded, some were dropped from high up in the air, and some were rigged to fall into vats of acid. The body count kept mounting and Allie's anger and guilt grew to a size she hadn't seen since the war. The final straw was when she saw someone she thought was still on the Citadel.

It had been a couple of weeks since Allie last spoke with Talitha. That wasn't unusual, though. The young woman really turned her life around – years of intense therapy gave her her sense of self again and seemingly cured her of her Stockholm Syndrome. She had a job she loved, a social life, and even hinted at having a significant other. Allie was proud of how far she'd come and was devastated and confused when she saw Talitha running around, trying to protect the slavers and dealers.

When the fighting finally stopped, Allie found the younger woman's body, riddled with bullet holes, her eyes vacant and lifeless. It looked like one of the slavers used her for a human shield. As Allie openly wept for the woman she first met on Mindoir, she felt very little satisfaction that the slaver was also dead. No one said anything as she cradled Talitha's body in her arms and mourned her like she was family. Allie couldn't explain it, but Talitha's death hit her just as hard as Mordin, Thane, and Ash did. She was thankful when Jondam said he would take care of debriefing the Council and filing the reports – when they were typed up, he would forward them to her for a signature. Allie nodded numbly, thanking him for his help. He asked about Talitha's remains and Allie said she'd take care of them.

Once the Normandy got under way, she intentionally waited to message Kaidan until she knew he'd be busy – she didn't want to get wrapped up in a conversation she didn't feel like having. She fired off a brief note, telling him they were all ok, but it didn't go well and she wasn't feeling particularly chatty. His reply came several hours later and simply said, “I'm glad you're ok. I'm here if you need to talk.”

Allie smiled at the message, fighting back tears because she did need to talk, but she was still uncertain about where she stood with Kaidan. Instead, she threw herself into moving her initial mission into an official investigation – she wanted to know why two sets of pre-op intel were so drastically wrong and why a friend of hers, who had absolutely no business being in the thick of something like that, was there and subsequently died.

The journey back to the Citadel reminded Allie a lot of the war – she was busy running around, coordinating interviews and searches, getting all of her ducks in a row, and kept a low profile while doing it. She left James to take care of most of the ship's day-to-day stuff so she could focus on getting answers and the crew pretty much left her alone. Her persona went from warm and outgoing to cool and aloof. The people who had been with her for a while – Joker, Sam, Steve, James, Adams – all knew not to take it personally and each of them had to explain to the newer crew members that this was just how she got sometimes.

When the Normandy docked, Allie made sure to give her team the requisite safety brief before sending them on some well-deserved R&R. She let James handle making sure everyone was signed out and had provided contact information while she ducked into the conference room to finalize appointments and interviews. 

“Hey, Colonel, I'm heading out.”

It took Allie a few moments to register that someone was talking to her, barely giving him a glance when she answered. “Hm? Oh, James, yeah, yeah. Stay safe.”

She fluttered her hand at him to send him off, but he leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest. “You know you've been in here for over an hour, right? Shore leave applies to you, too.”

Allie quirked an eyebrow at him and shook her head. “Yes, dad, I know,” she smirked.

“Then make sure you get your ass out of here and enjoy it. Ma'am,” he answered, giving her his trademark flirty smirk.

Allie straightened up and rolled her neck, sighing when several bones popped into place. “I will, James, I just need to take care of a few more things.”

“And I know how you are. A few things will turn into a few more things and the next thing you know, you'll be here until tomorrow morning. I mean it, Lola,” he leaned over the table and gave her a hard stare. “You need to take care of you and you can't do that if you're cooped up here trying to find answers.”

She let out a sigh of resignation. “Yeah, I know, but I'm serious. I have, like, three more things to finish and then I'll go. Promise. Did you do the walkthrough?”

James shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Shepard? EDI is still here...”

“And it's just one of those things I like to do anyway. So, now I have four more things to do.”

“Tell you what – I'll do the walkthrough now and when I'm finished, you're finished. Deal?”

“Deal.”

James turned and trotted through the door, hurrying away as fast as the scanners would let him. Allie chuckled and shook her head, gazing at the datapads scattered around the table. She sighed, knowing James was right, and started gathering them up. She was pretty much at a standstill anyway – there was no more real progress to be had until she started actually talking to people. She tossed them in her bag before making her way to the Galaxy Map steps to sit and wait for her XO.

She leaned back against the top step and tried to keep her mind from wandering back to the mission and her dead friend. She wondered what Kaidan was doing and opened her omnitool, her fingers paused over his contact info. Allie wanted to message him and see if he'd be free to grab a bite to eat – she realized she could use the company and the distraction – but the elevator doors hissing open had her shutting her 'tool off before she called him.

“It's all good, Lola. No one's on board except the security detail and they'll change out every twelve hours. I reviewed the protocols with them, too.” He held his hands up when Allie's mouth opened to ask that very question and she laughed when he pre-emptively answered it. “So now all you have to do is grab your things and head home, right?”

“Right.” Allie stood and slung her bag over her shoulder. “Quarters, things, home. Promise,” she swore when James frowned.

“I'm holding you to that. Better yet,” he craned his neck up just a bit. “Hey, EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Please make sure our illustrious leader gets out of here at a reasonable hour.”

“I will do my best.”

“Snitch,” Allie laughed.

“I've known you for almost a decade, Shepard. I know how you are,” he grinned and stepped around her. “And if you aren't out of here soon, EDI will let me know and Cortez and I will come back and physically remove you from the ship and we'll bring Kaidan to help. Comprendé?”

“Yes, yes, I said I would and I will,” Allie was still laughing when she stepped on the elevator, a vision of Kaidan tossing her over his shoulder to get her off the ship running through her head. “Have fun. See you in a week.”

The doors hissed shut and Allie sighed again. Her crew would be enjoying their downtime and she'd be working. Sure, she didn't have to, but she owed it to Talitha – and every other innocent who died – to find out what the fuck went wrong.

The smell of food hit her as soon as she stepped into her quarters. “What the...” she muttered under her breath. “Who's here?” she called.

“Shepard, hey!” Kaidan called, stepping around the couch. She was surprised he was in his uniform until he explained why he was there. “I waited for you at the dock, but when you didn't show, I called James. He said you were wrapped up in stuff and I know how you get, so I figured you didn't eat, so I brought food. I hope tacos are ok.”

He held out a bottle of beer, still smiling at her. She cocked her head, at a loss for words as she accepted the offered beverage. “How did you get in here?” she finally found her voice. She wasn't angry – far from it, his face was a welcome relief – just confused. “Did James let you in?”

“No,” he gestured for her to sit. “You, uh, you never revoked my privileges.” Kaidan pressed his lips together and looked sheepish. “I hope you aren't mad.”

Allie frowned, thinking back to the war when she granted Kaidan the passcodes and other things he'd need as part of her crew... “Oh, man,” she finally chuckled, shaking her head, “I can't believe I forgot about that.”

She followed Kaidan to the couch and they started loading up their plates. “Forgot about what?” he asked. “Revoking my ship privileges?”

Allie sighed and poked at her food before explaining, “When I was locked up, I knew the Reapers were still coming, so I made sure my will and Power of Attorney were current. I never changed them, so if anything happens to me, the Normandy is yours. Those privileges you have are permanent.”

Kaidan froze, a burrito halfway to his mouth as he gaped at Allie. “Wait, what do you mean 'mine'? I think the Alliance might take issue with that.”

“They don't have a say,” Allie shrugged. “The Normandy belongs to me. I own her. I stole her from Cerberus and when I turned myself in, I made it quite clear I would not surrender that ownership. I let them repaint her because I knew at some point I'd be getting reinstated, it was just a question of when.”

“But I thought Anderson was going to use her? Something about a mobile command center?” Kaidan asked.

“That was the story Anderson and Hackett fed to the Council and to HQ. Those politicians were worried about how things would look to the batarians if I were released and given my ship and command back straight off the bat. The Reapers showing up just kind of sped things along,” Allie said.

“But why me?” Kaidan asked. “Why leave the ship to me? Things between us weren't.... great back then.”

“Because you made the most sense,” Allie admitted. “As a Spectre, you would have needed your own ship, too. And honestly, I don't know how you keep doing Spectre stuff without one.”

“I manage,” he grinned. “A lot of people owe me a lot of favors.”

“I don't even want to know,” Allie laughed. “At any rate, you were there in the beginning, when we were chasing Saren. You'd seen Sovereign on Eden Prime, you were with me when I talked to it on Virmire. Based on all of that plus that stellar record of yours, I knew Hackett and Anderson would be coming to you to continue the fight if anything happened to me. Plus, I just wanted you to have her. The apartment would be yours, too.”

“That, uh, that means a lot coming from you,” Kaidan murmured, reaching for her hand. “Thanks.”

Allie pressed her lips together and squeezed his fingers, trying hard to not read too much into the gesture and get her hopes up. She cleared her throat and grabbed a taco with her free hand, not wanting to let go of the warmth of Kaidan's touch, and prayed she wouldn't drop the filling all over her uniform. “So, did you want to watch a vid or something?” she asked.

“We could,” Kaidan answered. Allie fought a smile when she noticed he was trying to eat with one hand, too. “Or we could watch the Armax tournament. It started yesterday but is supposed to go on all week.”

“Oh, yeah, James said something about wanting to do that. He knew we wouldn't be back in time for him to put his own team together, so he was hoping to catch some free-for-all or maybe sub in on someone else's team.”

She set her food down long enough to fetch a remote from the drawer in her coffee table, using it to dim the lights in her cabin a touch and drop a screen from the ceiling, covering part of the fish tank. Kaidan fetched more beer from her fridge while she flipped through the channels. “You have a preference? It seems like more than one network is running it,” Allie observed.

“Go with one of the turian stations,” Kaidan answered. “Their commentary is usually the best.”

With that issue resolved, the pair resumed their meal in relative silence, only speaking to talk about a bad call or to comment on someone's armor, technique, or strategy. They didn't hold hands, but Kaidan scooted closer to her, their legs brushing together whenever either of them moved. There was no tension, none of the angry or offended looks Allie had come to expect when she spent time with him. Instead, she reveled in the comfort of his company. She resisted the urge to lay her head on his shoulder and cuddle against him they way she did when they spent time together on the SR-1. Content with things they way they were and not wanting to risk Kaidan's visit ending on a bad note, Allie folded her hands across her stomach and rested her head against the back of the couch, closing her eyes for a moment while a commercial played.

At least, she'd only meant for it to be a moment... “Hey, Allie, come on, let's get you to bed.” Kaidan's hand gently nudged her shoulder.

Allie sighed and stretched, humming in response as she struggled to open her eyes. “I'm awake. I was just waiting for the commercials to be over.”

“Today's tournaments ended about 15 minutes ago,” Kaidan chuckled, nudging her to stand up.

“What? It ended? Why didn't you wake me up?” That revelation shook the last bit of sleep from Allie's eyes.

“Because EDI said you haven't been sleeping well, if you sleep at all.” Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest, his tone and expression full of concern. “When you dozed off, I figured you needed it, so I let you go.”

“Oh.” Allie's voice was small and she rubbed the back of her neck. “Thanks, then, I guess.”

She looked at the coffee table, not surprised Kaidan started cleaning everything up – empty bottles were on one end of the coffee table to be rinsed, wrappers had been gathered up and crammed into the empty bags they came in, unused sauce packets were gathered up in the middle of the table. It would only take her a couple of minutes to take care of the rest. “Thanks for this, too,” she gestured at the table.

“No problem,” he nodded. “I'll get out of your hair, then, so you can get back to sleep.”

Sleep.... no, she hadn't been sleeping well. Whenever she closed her eyes, her mind revisited the horrors from her botched mission, Talitha's lifeless eyes staring at her, filled with silent accusations because Allie hadn't done enough to save her or the other people who died that day.

He almost made it to the door when Allie called after him. “Actually, do you mind staying?” she asked, tears welling in her eyes. “I really don't want to be alone right now.” Her voice cracked and Kaidan was at her side in an instant, pulling her into a hug as her tears started flowing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he murmured.

Allie nodded against his chest, pulling back to press her palms into her eyes and wipe her tears. She let him lead her to the bed, where they pulled off their boots. They scooted back on the bed and Allie folded herself against Kaidan's chest, finally shedding the tears she hadn't allowed herself to cry.

She filled him in on the mission – how things inexplicably went fubar, the incredible loss of life, Talitha's puzzling presence there and her horrifying death. Kaidan gently stroked her back, kissing the top of her head, and occasionally whispering soothing words to try and comfort her as she railed at the loss of so many innocents, how two separate sets of matching intel were so horribly wrong, and questioned what she could have done differently.

She ran out of things to say before she ran out of tears, but Kaidan still held her and let her grieve. Eventually, her sobs quieted down, the weepy coughs and hiccups subsided, and Allie tried to find some peace in the arms of the man who hopefully still had feelings for her. She didn't allow herself to be distracted by that, though. The last thing she wanted, on top of the heartache and guilt she was carrying because of the mission, was to be hurt and disappointed because she was wrong about what Kaidan wanted from her. It didn't matter that he'd said 'next time' the night of her birthday or that he'd gone out of his way to take care of her tonight. She was so used to The Look, her heart so conditioned to the pain that came with it, that she didn't dare get her hopes up. It was enough for now that he was simply there, holding her, being the soft place to land that she so desperately needed.

* * *

The first thing Allie realized as she woke was that she was alone. The last thing she remembered was the steady beat of Kaidan's heart under her cheek, the gentle puff of air against her head with each of his exhales, the way his beard kept tangling in her hair. Her pillow was cool against her face, the sheet pulled up to her waist, and her hand curled against the now-empty side of the bed. She stared for a moment, trying not to let Kaidan's disappearance hurt; it wouldn't be fair, not after everything he did for her the night before.

She sighed and stretched, wincing from where her uniform dug into her body, then noticed the coffee table was completely empty, save for a lone piece of paper. She smiled when she scooted to the edge of the bed, realizing Kaidan cleaned up everything before he left. She snagged the paper, her heart warming with each handwritten word she read -

_Allie -_

_I'm sorry I had to leave. I had class this morning and needed to be there early. Before you beat yourself up or tell me I didn't have to stay, I know I didn't. You needed someone, though, and I'm glad I could be there for you. I'm even gladder (is that even a word?) you let me be there for you. It meant a lot that you trusted me enough to let your guard down like that. I only hope I helped a little._

_I hope you slept well – when I woke up, neither of us had moved and EDI said it was probably the most sleep you'd gotten since your mission went sideways. I'll check in on you later. Good luck with your investigation and if you need ANYTHING from me, I'm just a phone call away._

_K._

Allie read the note several more times before carefully folding it and slipping it into her pocket. He hated when people called him 'K', and it made her smile to think he signed his note like that. She checked the time, surprised that it was still fairly early in the morning, though some might argue that 0800 wasn't 'early', especially for military-types like herself. She pulled her boots on, grabbed a few things, and made her way off the ship.

The week seemed to fly by for the galaxy's savior. Her time was spent chasing leads (literally running after some of them through the gritty ward streets), interviewing people who knew Talitha, reconstructing a timeline leading to the younger woman's death. It was hard on her, trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together, but she knew Kaidan was there for her and it was something she took advantage of.

The spoke every night, usually him calling to check on her and make sure she was eating (“I don't know how you do it, Shepard,” he shook his head. “My stomach growls every two hours if I don't eat something.”), making sure she was holding up ok. She'd ask about his classes and the students and a couple of times they tried to get together, but their schedules just didn't seem to mesh. Towards the end of the week, Allie started feeling guilty about that – she probably could have put off some of her research or rescheduled an interrogation to sit down and visit with Kaidan, but her determination to get answers overshadowed everything else.

Thursday had Kaidan sending her another message, this one with an invitation to lunch and after reading it, Allie found she couldn't tell him 'no' again. They needed to talk, she wanted to tell him how she felt about him and after her birthday and they way he looked after her when they docked at the beginning of the week, she hoped he felt the same.

* * *

Allie's heart was beating so hard and so fast she honestly thought it might burst from her chest. She hurried from the skycar lot to the elevator but tried to play it cool at the same time. She realized she probably looked ridiculous, but she wasn't about to break into a sprint to get to Apollo's, either (though she'd have been lying if she said the thought didn't cross her mind).

She pulled up short at the stairs leading down to the cafe, catching her breath and running her fingers through her hair, making sure she still looked presentable. She scanned the tables, looking for Kaidan's distinctive thick, black hair. It only took a moment and her heart fluttered in her chest when she did. She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her nerves and made her way to his table – the same table they sat at during the war when she turned him down. She froze just shy of his field of view and noticed he was gesturing with his hands. She took a few steps back and leaned against the bar, just watching him for a few moments.

_Talking to himself_ she smiled. Her smile faded when she wondered what he was thinking. Was he actually here to tell her he couldn't do it? That he really still didn't trust her? She pressed her lips together and mentally shook her head.

No. He said about next time... _...and maybe he's changed his mind..._

No. He brought me food and then stayed with me even though he had to be up early the next day just because I asked him to. If he didn't want more, he would have said something sooner.

“At least, I hope so,” she whispered.

“You ok?” A voice next to her startled Allie out of her thoughts.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Just, um, just a little nervous, is all,” she forced a smile, glancing at the salarian server who snuck up on her. She turned her attention back to Kaidan and her throat went dry when she noticed he shaved. “Make that a lot nervous,” she added.

“Well, if it's any consolation, he said he was nervous, too,” the salarian gave her a warm smile and put a reassuring hand on her arm. “I think you two will be just fine. I'll come around and get your drink order in a minute, give you a chance to sit, ok?”

“Sure. Thanks.” Allie watched Kaidan for a few more moments before making her way to his table.

“Shepard, hey! I was beginning to think you might not show.” Allie could hear the worry in his tone, but his smile lit up his face.

“Ran into some traffic,” she smiled back, shifting in her seat. “You shaved.”

“You noticed.” His smile got wider and he ran his hand along his cheeks and chin. “What do you think?”

“I like it,” Allie admitted. She hadn't seen him clean-shaven since the war and the lack of beard took about ten years from his face. Not that it was a bad thing – he looked damn good either way.

“Good. Any idea what you want to eat? It doesn't seem like their menu's changed too much,” Kaidan noted as Allie snagged a datapad and perused her choices. “I haven't eaten here in a while, though, so maybe it rotated back around.”

“No,” Allie answered, “it's still the same. People find comfort in the familiar, you know?”

The salarian who spoke to Allie earlier stopped to get their drink order. When he'd gone, Kaidan put his datapad aside and gave Allie a soulful stare.

“I'm glad we're taking the time to do this,” Kaidan said, folding his hands on the table. “I could use a sanity check.”

“Me, too,” Allie admitted. “Things have been pretty crazy.”

“You know, we've been through a lot the past few years,” Kaidan said, staring at his hands. “Not us, together, I mean, but us, like, each of us. Both of us...” His voice trailed off and Allie couldn't help but smile as he fumbled for the right thing to say.

“Yeah. You have your Spectre stuff, your Alliance stuff, your things with your students,” she offered.

“And you have the same except you get to be the Alliance poster child instead and my kids' favorite substitute,” he grinned.

“Yeah,” she answered. Several awkward moments passed and their smiles faded from their faces.

“How is your investigation going? Is there anything I can help with?”

Kaidan leaned forward as though he were hanging on Allie's every word when she explained that she managed to put together the last few months of Talitha's life. She had some suspicions about how the young woman got involved with the red sand ring and slavers, but she didn't want to voice them until she had more proof. “It's disconcerting, though,” she admitted, thankful their server brought their drinks. Her throat was parched and she drained nearly half her bottle.

“Well, I'm glad I could finally get you to sit down for a few minutes, then, and catch your breath.” Another heart-stopping smile spread across Kaidan's face and Allie fought the urge to reach for his hand. Things were going well, she wanted them to go well, but her own smile faltered when she thought about all the times Kaidan's expression would change. She started playing with her fingers, not wanting to give him a reason to run before she had a chance to tell him how she felt.

“Thanks. I'm not great at making sure I do it myself,” Allie admitted.

“I know,” Kaidan chuckled, turning his attention to the passing traffic. “You know, when I was at my parent's place after the war, all I had was time to catch my breath. I'd help mom out in the orchard, work on stuff around the house for her during the day, but when the sun started to set, I'd grab a few beers and sit on the balcony, like I did when I was younger. It was hard to wrap my head around how different the skyline looked and it took months for the smoke to completely disappear, but even for the destruction and chaos, the view was still spectacular. It made me realize how much I'd taken for granted and how quickly even our best laid plans can get sidetracked.”

“I hear that,” Allie agreed. “I won't lie, Kaidan, when I finally made it to that beam, I didn't think I was going to make it back. Every day I've had since then has been a gift.”

Kaidan took a deep breath and nodded. “I know if you'd told me ten years ago that I'd be teaching, I'd have laughed at you. I prefer getting my hands dirty, but here I am. And if you'd told me ten years ago I might have another chance...”

Allie swallowed a lump in her throat and pressed her lips together, silently begging Kaidan to continue. She wasn't sure if her heart would stand the suspense.

It was several more moments before Kaidan looked at her. “When I lost you over Alchera, I didn't think I'd ever be whole again. Then you came back and I somehow had another chance but I managed to screw it up not once, not twice, but three times. Horizon, Mars, the coup,” Kaidan ticked off on his fingers each time Allie had told him he'd hurt her. “And over the past few months, I found myself in a familiar position. It feels like we have another chance, Allie. I still love you. After everything we've been through, after all this time, I've never been able to move on from you. When I took the hint that you didn't want to talk to me...”

“Kaidan,” Allie interrupted. Kaidan held up a hand to silence her.

“Hear me out, please. I've been practicing what I want to say and so far I don't think I sound like a complete idiot.”

His observation made her chuckle, so she sat back and let him finish. “When I took the hint, I threw myself into my work. I tried dating but at first, but it was disastrous. It only took three or four failed dates to realize they were all rebounds and that none of them were you. After a couple of years, I thought I was ready, but nothing ever got too serious. Liam was the longest I'd been with someone and he was the one who made me realize that even then, I still wasn't over you.”

He clasped his hands together in a gesture that made Allie feel like he was keeping himself from holding her hand, too. He leaned forward and stared at his fingers, taking a deep breath before continuing. “The last few months with you have been the best ones I've had since the war ended. It feels like there's still something there.”

Kaidan finally turned his honey-colored eyes to Allie and she was surprised to see they were filled with tears. “And I want to take that something and make it real.”

He leaned back in his seat and pulled his hands to his lap, unable to look at her. “That's what I want.” 

The blood roared in Allie's ears, her heart hammered in her chest, and her throat went bone dry. This was it! He _did_ want to try again! Her brain went blank, all the words she'd rehearsed lost to the void as she stared at him, her jaw agape at the realization that it wasn't too late, that he wasn't still angry or hurt. She didn't realize how long she sat there, staring at him in silence until he finally sighed and dragged his eyes up to look at her.

“Well, you can't blame a guy for trying, I guess,” he said softly, glancing at the datapad while his fingers fidgeted with the corner. “I just... I mean, it really felt like there was still something there, but I guess it was just me.”

He sighed again and picked up his menu. “But like you always used to say...”

“Kaidan, no, wait,” Allie's hand shot across the table to grasp his. “I just... I was hoping for this, but still not expecting it, that's all.”

Kaidan turned his full attention to her again, his expression filled with hope, his eyes pleading with her to continue.

“I had this speech all planned out and now I can't remember a damn thing I was going to say,” she chuckled. “I wanted to do this the night we had sushi.”

“So why didn't you?” Kaidan asked, his thumb rubbing along the side of her hand.

Allie held his gaze for several moment and pursed her lips before continuing. _You wanted to know what that look was, so here's your chance to find out,_ she thought.

“Every time we've gotten together, at some point, you give me this look that made me feel like you really still don't trust me or that you're still hurt or angry because we didn't get back together or because I stopped talking to you. The first time you did it, I figured it was because you only wanted me around to sub your class.” The words poured from Allie's mouth in a rambling, nonsensical stream. Part of her was relieved to finally get it off her chest and part of her was terrified that it might make Kaidan change his mind.

“What look?” Kaidan seemed genuinely confused, leaning across the table to touch her cheek.

Allie took a deep breath and explained all of the times they were together and how his expression and demeanor would change and how much it hurt to realize that it might mean he didn't want her to get too close. The more she spoke, the more Kaidan's expression went from confusion to one of realization.

“Oh, Allie,” he soothed. “I wasn't trying to keep you at arm's length. At least, not like you think.” He curled his fingers more around hers and brought them to his mouth, gently brushing his lips over her knuckles.

“I was so happy you agreed to help me out and being around you again was... Well, I'd been hoping for it for years. But it seemed like you weren't sure what you wanted and I didn't want to come on too strong and chase you away. I didn't want to lose you again, so when I felt like I was getting to comfortable, I pulled back. I didn't mean to hurt you.”

They sat for a few moments before Allie found her voice again. “I actually owe you an apology,” she murmured.

“You do? Why?” Kaidan asked.

“For years, I was convinced that you didn't _really_ trust me. All of the times you doubted me, I mean, how can you just flip a switch and decide you're going to trust someone?”

Kaidan looked like he wanted to say something, but he tightened his grip on Allie's hand instead. She smiled at the gesture and covered their hands with her other one. “Honestly, it wasn't until a few months ago when Liara pointed out I was treating you exactly like you'd treated me. I expected you to just take me at my word that I hadn't changed. I expected our relationship – personal and otherwise – to remind you of who I was. We fought together, worked together,” she reached out and caressed his face, “slept together. Yet I was doing the same thing to you. I know you, Kaidan. I know the kind of person you are and when you said you'd never doubt me again, I should have believed you, and I didn't.”

Allie sniffed and her eyes filled with tears. “Forgive me?” she whispered.

Kaidan leaned across the table and pressed his forehead to hers. “Allie, you haven't done anything I need to forgive.”

“Then if you want this again, want _me_ again, I'm yours for as long as you'll have me.”

Kaidan kissed her then. Deeply, cradling her face in his hands and neither of them caring who was watching. Tears slipped down Allie's cheeks and when Kaidan pulled back, he brushed them away with his thumbs. “I love you, Allie Shepard. I always have.”

“I love you, too, Kaidan Alenko,” she smiled. “I always will.”

As they placed their order and ate, Allie felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. Their conversation was light and easy and since they cleared the air, she didn't hesitate to touch his face or let him know how good she thought he looked. He did the same, coming up with a cheesy line about something being on her lips, then leaning over and planting a soft kiss, telling her that's what it was.

“So, did you want to stop over tonight?” Allie asked. “I can cook us dinner or something.”

Her heart sank when Kaidan sighed and leaned back in his chair. “I'd love to, believe me. But there's a field trip tomorrow and we leave a oh-dark-thirty, so everyone is sleeping at the Academy.”

“Oh, ok.” Allie didn't bother to hide the disappointment from her voice. “I just figured since we're together again...”

“I know,” he interrupted, “believe me, I seriously thought about waiting until after we got back to do this, but I just didn't want to wait any longer. Something might have come up on the trip that delayed us, you might have gotten called away...” He sighed and kissed the back of her hand again. “I just didn't want to put this off any more.”

Allie nodded, still disappointed, but understanding in why he didn't want to put off a heart-to-heart. “So, what's this field trip?”

They ate dessert while Kaidan explained that there were several classes of cadets heading to the Traverse to help with rebuilding. “The more remote outposts and settlements are still way behind with getting basic necessities back to a pre-war status,” he explained. “So we're taking the kids to help out. We're supposed to arrive sometime tomorrow and should be back either late Sunday night or first thing Monday morning.”

“Doesn't sound like you'll be there long enough to really get anything done,” Allie frowned.

“That's why we're leaving so early tomorrow morning. And they aren't really doing anything major – Lifting some of the heavier things, using a Stasis field to hold things in place so they can be secured, plus I'm hoping I can work in a little combat training, too, since it will be a new environment for them.”

“Will you be able to call?” Allie didn't really care that she sounded like a lovestruck teenager and her heart fluttered when Kaidan smiled and kissed her knuckles.

“As often as I can,” Kaidan nodded. “I actually have to head back to the classroom from here, though.”

They stood and argued for a few moments about who was going to pay before Allie relented, but only on the condition she be allowed to get the next one. They walked to the elevator, their arms wrapped around each other, not caring who noticed the Galaxy's Most Eligible Bachelor was finally off the market.

When the pair left, they gave their server a small wave, but neither noticed the huge smile he had as he leaned against the bar, happily accepting a credit chit from the bartender.

“I told them they'd be ok,” he grinned.

“Shut up, Silas,” the bartender grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fubar - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
> 
> My headcanon for all of my Shepards is they actually own the Normandy because they stole it from Cerberus & Anderson's story about using it for a mobile command center is just that - a story. Hackett and Anderson are the only ones who know Shepard actually owns it and Anderson 'claimed' it to keep anyone else from trying to take over.


	12. ...And I Always Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie and Kaidan have finally had their heart to heart and are making up for lost time, eager to spend as much time together as they can. The universe, however, seems to have something else in mind for the star-crossed lovers...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's more smut in this chapter, so read at your own risk.
> 
> Well, this is it... my first complete long fic. For those of you who have enjoyed everything so far, I hope the way things wrap up is equally enjoyable.

Allie and Kaidan shared another tender kiss when they stepped off the elevator and he promised to call when they were getting ready to leave. She felt like she was walking on air as she made her way back to her apartment. She made sure to message her friends and let them know that she and Kaidan finally talked and that things were good... really good... actually, they were great and amazing. She wondered if Liara and James had bet each other to see who could come up with the most ways to say 'I told you so' without using those exact words.

She sent a separate, more professionally worded message to Admiral Hackett, since she was pretty much the face of the Alliance and Kaidan still had his own notoriety as the second human Spectre. She had to laugh when his response mirrored her friends' when he said it was about damn time. He also mentioned changing up her PR script a little bit and thanked her for telling him, since they would probably be getting inundated with media requests for more information.

Allie hadn't even considered the tabloids and other news outlets finding out about her 'new' relationship with Kaidan, so even though Hackett mentioned it, she was still surprised to turn on the news and see pics and vids of her and Kaidan kissing on their lunch date. She called Kaidan right away, and he laughed, saying he was just about to call her, too.

“The kids have been whispering about it,” he admitted. “None of them have asked me directly, but one of the other instructors said something. Those gossip hounds move fast, don't they?”

“Yeah. I can't say I'm thrilled with our love life being public fodder, but that comes with the territory. We did save the galaxy and we are the only two human Spectres. I guess this means we'll have to be more careful,” Allie mused. “Unless you don't care who's watching.”

“I don't care one bit.” Allie could hear the grin in his voice. “I quite like the idea of showing you off, letting the world know we're together. In fact, we could give them quite a show.”

“You're a bad influence,” she laughed.

“And you love it.”

Allie couldn't disagree and relished the idea of holding hands in public, arms wrapped around one another, sharing the occasional kiss, and showing off their renewed feelings for each other. On the SR-1, they were discreet about their relationship, careful to avoid giving the Alliance a reason to separate or court-martial either of them. Now, though, it didn't matter. Neither was under the other's chain of command, so the fraternization regs no longer applied. They were also Spectres – if worse came to worse, Allie would retire from the Alliance, allowing Kaidan to continue his career as a teacher and she'd continue to work solely for the Council. That wasn't a conversation she thought either of them was ready to have. Not yet, anyway.

They ended the call with Kaidan promising to let her know when they were under way. Allie tried to keep busy but often found herself checking her 'tool for missed calls or messages. It was silly, she knew, and maybe even a little adolescent. But there was still a panic in her heart that if she missed his call, he might get upset with her. It resulted in a circle of frustrating thought – she'd think she missed a call and panic, then remind herself that he said he loved her and wanted to be with her and she had to believe that and trust him. He swore he'd never doubt her again and he hadn't, so she had to trust and believe him, too.

When he did call, she felt a giddy rush of excitement, a twinge of nervous joy she didn't remember feeling when they were together on the SR-1. Her smile was so wide she felt like her face might split in two. It was strange, feeling like this was something so new yet old and familiar at the same time.

Her heart sank Saturday night when Hackett messaged her about a last-minute PR run and needed the Normandy airborne by 0900 Monday morning. She made sure to let Kaidan know what was going on, and crossed her fingers, praying she'd get to see him again before setting out for over about two weeks of photo ops and meet & greets. Kaidan was disappointed she was going, but said he'd do his best to get back to her before she left.

On Monday, Allie set about her morning routine like she always did – coffee and a quick breakfast, daily workout, more breakfast, shower, still more food, then grabbing her bag to head for the docks. The only thing that was different was how her desperation grew with each passing moment that Kaidan didn't call to say he was home.

She waited until the last possible second to leave. Kaidan wasn't answering her calls and she was almost distraught at the idea of not getting to see him before she left. She contemplated swinging by his apartment first, but realized that would make her late She sighed, drumming her fingers on the dash as the skycar zipped through traffic, and resigned herself to the fact that the universe had a sick sense of humor by keeping her from her new relationship for at least two more weeks.

Allie barely made it to the docks on time. She sent Kaidan one last message, apologizing for being a pest and sorry that they wouldn't be able to see each other for a while. She looked up from her 'tool, not surprised to see Joker and James standing outside of the airlock, each of them with their arms crossed over their chests and giving her the sternest looks they could muster.

“Colonel, you're late,” James started, tapping his finger on his wrist like he was wearing a watch.

“I am not,” Allie huffed. “I have ten minutes to spare.”

“I don't know, James. What is it she always says? Early is on time....” Joker started.

“...and on time is late,” James finished.

“I am on time,” Allie smirked, “I have ten minutes to spare.”

“Eh, I still think you should count widgets with Adams for a week,” James laughed, clapping her on the shoulder.

The trio stepped onto the ship and Joker brought Allie up to speed – all of the pre-flight checks were done, all the crew was on board, and EDI loaded the mission's itinerary to everyone's stations. Allie nodded her approval. “Great job,” she said, watching as Joker situated himself in his seat. “We can get underway whenever you're ready.”

“Um, actually,” Joker cleared his throat and spun his chair around to face her. “We also got word from Hackett about a last minute transfer. We aren't allowed to leave until they get on board.”

Allie frowned and gave her pilot a hard stare, trying to determine if he was messing around with her or not. “Do we know anything? Experience? Rank? Their reason for even coming aboard?”

“No, ma'am,” Joker shrugged and put his hands up in a defensive posture. “And EDI hasn't been able to find anything out, either.”

Allie's frown deepened. “I wonder who it is, then, that Hackett is keeping a lid on it. It's just another PR/goodwill run. I don't need any extra help for that.”

“Oh, you know how it goes, Colonel,” Joker grinned as he spun his chair to face his workstation. “You save the galaxy twice, rescue the Council, kill a couple of Reapers, cure the genophage, end a 300-year long war, blah, blah, blah,” he waved his hand dismissively, “but that still isn't enough to get you in the Super Secret Squirrel club. Oh, I know! Maybe it's another Spectre because someone else on board was put up for the job! You know, like they did with Nihlus and you back in the day!”

“Well, there are a couple of people who would make good Spectres,” Allie mused, giving James a knowing grin, “but I don't like being kept in the dark.” She turned to her XO and continued, “You stay here until the newbie gets on board, then let me know when we're under way. I'll brief them in the mess.”

“You got it, Lola,” James said.

Allie shifted her bag on her shoulder and headed to the elevator, eager to drop her gear in her quarters and check in with her people. She had every confidence that James already did that, making sure everyone had an enjoyable shore leave and that there were no problems that needed taken care of, but she still liked to talk to her crew. They were her family and she wanted them to know she cared.

She was in engineering when she felt the subtle shift in the ship's inertial dampeners. Most people wouldn't have felt it, but she knew the Normandy like the back of her hand.

“It seems like we're under way,” Adams observed.

“Colonel, Joker here. The new guy is on board. James is taking him to the mess hall and we're on our way.”

“Looks like you were right,” Allie smiled at Adams. “I guess I should go welcome our new crew member. I'll check in with you later.”

“Joker,” she said, paging her pilot again, “tell me about the new guy.”

“I don't know. Call me paranoid, but he seems like he's going to be trouble.”

“Trouble?” Allie frowned. “Why? Did he give someone some sass and attitude already or something?”

“No, but he just has that air about him.” She could almost see Joker shrug. “He seems a little stuck up, like he has a stick up his ass that would rival Garrus's.”

“Great,” Allie muttered. She knew Joker wasn't a people person, but his first impressions of people were usually pretty spot on. She fired off one last message to Kaidan while she waited for the elevator, letting him know they were underway, she was so sorry they didn't get to see each other, and that she missed him.

She grinned from ear to ear when his response was almost immediate. _It's ok. Things ran late on my end, I'm sorry. I've got some stuff to take care of but I'll talk to you soon._

She sighed and leaned against the bulkhead as the doors slid shut. This was how things were going to have to be for a while – they'd get some time together in between her missions (and his, if the Council sent him on any Spectre jobs), then have to spend a few weeks apart. Again, she thought about talking to Hackett about retiring so she could spend more time with Kaidan, then slammed on the mental brakes.

_Are you nuts? This is still new, regardless of your history, how long you've known each other, or how much you've been pining for each other. Holy guacamole, woman, you'll scare the guy off!_

The door slid open and she heard the unmistakable sound of James's laughter. She knew he was still with the new guy, so laughter hopefully meant he wasn't as bad as Joker thought he might be. She straightened her shirt, ran her fingers through her hair, put on her best “Welcome Aboard” smile, strode around the corner, and promptly froze.

Leaning against the counter, in his trademark blue armor and a cup of coffee securely in his grasp, was the man of her dreams. Her throat went dry and all sense of professionalism nearly flew out of the window. She almost raced into his arms, but remembered herself and her surroundings – there was a considerable number of junior staff around, eager to talk to the man who had fought the Reapers by Allie's side from the very beginning.

She cleared her throat and everyone straightened up. “Colonel Shepard,” James said, a smug grin plastered on his face. “Say hello to our newest crew member. Colonel Alenko was just regaling us with tales of your early exploits.”

Kaidan's own handsome features sported a very satisfied smirk, knowing full well this surprise would be talked about for quite some time. “Allie,” he said, extending his hand. “It's good to see you.”

She accepted the handshake, shivering when he traced his thumb along the back of her hand. “Kaidan, you, too. At least now I know why Joker said the new guy would be trouble. I thought you'd be with your students.”

“I was,” he admitted, his smile growing wider, “but I can explain that to you when we debrief. Where should I put my gear?”

“We can put it in Starboard Observation for now,” Allie said, reluctantly letting go of his hand to walk away.

“Oh. Ok.” The disappointment in his voice was obvious and Allie quickly turned around and stepped close to him.

“For now, I said,” she smiled, fighting the urge to touch his face. They were both the same rank, but right now, she was his CO, so the fraternization regs were painfully in effect. She had to set a good example for her crew. “We can see about moving you later.”

“Right.” A relieved smile spread across his face. “Lead the way, then.”

He followed her into the observation lounge and as soon as the door closed, he dropped his bags and pulled her against him, kissing her like his very life depended on it. Allie whimpered against his lips, gripping his shoulders before running her hand along his back and threading her fingers through his hair.

“I can't believe you're here,” she whispered when they came up for air. “Don't you have class?”

“I do,” he said, taking a small step back, “but I really didn't want to wait another week or two to be able to see you again. So I made some arrangements at the Academy and called Hackett to see if he'd get me some TDY orders to tag along.”

He paused to trace his fingers along Allie's jaw, brushing his thumb against her lower lip, and smiling at her whimpered response. “That vid of us kissing was spreading like wildfire, so Hackett thought it would be a good idea to officially address our relationship.”

“I'll have to thank him later,” Allie sighed, nestling her head against Kaidan's chest. “I can't believe you're really here.”

Kaidan rested his head on top of hers and they stood like that for several minutes, holding each other, thankful they didn't have to wait any longer to be together. Finally, Kaidan cleared his throat and asked, “So, do you want to fill me in on things here or should we head up to your quarters?”

“My quarters would probably be best,” Allie admitted, hoping the debrief would be just as much physical as it would be verbal. “You might want to change, though, unless you want to spend the entire mission in your armor.”

“Well, I was hoping to spend at least part of this mission not wearing anything,” he winked as he rummaged through one of his bags for his duty uniform.

“I'll have to see what I can manage,” Allie grinned. “Get yourself around and meet me at the elevator.”

* * *

During the short trip to her quarters, she filled him in on how her PR runs usually went – the Normandy was usually too large to dock at the settlements and outposts they visited, but Joker's skill always got her low enough in the atmosphere to allow for some fantastic photos. There were photo ops, meet and greets, and Allie spent a lot of time talking about how the Alliance still needed help – the Reaper war was over, but there were still mercenary groups, drug runners, and slavery rings that needed taken care of.

“Did Hackett give you a script or anything? He mentioned something about tweaking mine a bit when I let him know about us,” Allie asked, motioning for Kaidan to sit on the couch. “Are you thirsty?”

Kaidan said he was and caught the bottle of water Allie tossed at him. “No script, no. He told me just to get with you and figure something out.”

Allie climbed into Kaidan's lap, straddling her legs on either side of his hips and smoothed her hands down his chest. “Well, they're going to ask about the regs...” she smiled

“And we're not normally under each other's chain of command,” Kaidan pointed out, running his fingers up her arms, his water forgotten. “After this mission, it's back to business as usual – you're the face of Alliance recruitment and I'm just a teacher.”

“We should probably keep the PDAs to a minimum,” Allie mused, shifting her weight around and pressing her crotch against Kaidan's hips, smiling at the gasp that slipped past his lips. She pulled the bottom of his shirt free from his pants and slid her hands under the fabric, tracing her fingers along the ridges of his abs. “Unless someone asks us to kiss.”

With one hand, Kaidan gripped Allie's hip and pushed back against her and wiith his other, he mimicked her gesture, sliding a hand under the back of her shirt, deftly unhooking her bra, and running his hand along the length of her bare spine, sliding around to her chest and massaging her breasts.

“So, do we kiss?” he breathed.

“Maybe something chaste,” she groaned, grinding against his growing arousal. “I don't think Hackett would appreciate us getting carried away in public.”

“Allie, there's nothing chaste about what I want to do to you right now.” He stood, wrapping her legs around his waist, and carried her to the bed.

Their clothes were quickly shed and Allie finally got to touch Kaidan the way she wanted to on her birthday. His hands gripped her head as she devoured him, savoring the velvet smoothness of his cock as it slid in and out of her mouth. His biotcs flared when he came, her name spilling from his mouth like a prayer from a dying man. She kissed her way back up his body, ecstatic she could still elicit that response from him.

Kaidan captured her mouth in another kiss, rolling them over in a smooth motion so he was on top and returned the favor, kissing and nibbling his way down her body, tenderly brushing his lips along her mound before sliding his tongue along her slick folds. His fingers expertly pumped against her, curled just so to hit the spot that soon had her back arching from the bed. His mouth was relentless, sucking on her clit and making her mewl in desperation as her own orgasm washed over her. He pulled away, sliding her leg up his arm and draped it over his shoulder. He lined himself up at her entrance and slowly pushed forward, easily sheathing himself in her slick heat. He set a steady pace, while whispering in her ear how much he loved her and how he was looking forward to doing this as often as possible.

Allie raked her nails along his back, peppering kisses along his chest and gripping his ass while he drove against her. A familiar tingle spread across her core and her biotic aura grew brighter, mingling with Kaidan's as they chased their peaks. She carded her fingers in his hair and pulled his head against hers, murmuring how amazing he felt inside her, heat radiating from their skin as his thrusts became more erratic.

She writhed beneath him when she crested, his name a breathless stutter as his biotics raced along her skin. He thrust twice more and pushed hard against her, shuddering as his orgasm washed over him. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers, trembling as she ran her fingers along his back, gently pulling his head to hers to snare his mouth in a kiss. He wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her tight against him. Allie's eyes welled with tears – it was everything she dreamed of, wanting one more chance with Kaidan and the universe seeing fit to give her that chance.

She sniffed and Kaidan pulled back, concern washing over his face as a lone tear slipped from her eye. “Allie? Are you ok? I didn't hurt you, did I?”

“No,” she smiled and caressed his face. “I'm fine. I'm just... I'm so happy right now. I never thought I'd be here, with you.”

“And I'm here as long as you want me,” he replied, rolling on his side and pulling her against him.

Allie could have spent hours making love with Kaidan, but each of them was mindful of the fact they were both still on duty. She wanted to savor the warmth of his arms around her a bit longer before they had to get back to work, focusing on the feel of his chest pressing against her back when he breathed, the weight of his arm across her side, the way his hand felt so natural cupped under her breast. She closed her eyes, basking in how _right_ everything finally felt.

She didn't know how long they laid there when Kaidan cleared his throat. “Allie, I have a confession to make.”

“Oh?” Allie rolled over in his arms and gazed at him. “As long as you don't tell me this is some horrible joke, I think you'll be ok.”

“What? No! Oh, god no. This isn't a joke. I love you and I mean it.” A smile spread across his face when he realized she was teasing. “No, it isn't that, but you might get upset with me.”

“Well, I can't promise I won't,” Allie frowned, “but if it's that upsetting, we can talk about it.”

Kaidan took a deep breath and nodded. “I didn't need a substitute.”

Allie raised an eyebrow and frowned again. “You what now?”

“At that party, when I asked you to sub for my classes, I didn't need a substitute.” Kaidan pressed his lips together and lowered his gaze. “I was so determined to talk to you and when I approached you, you acted like you didn't want anything to do with me, but I wanted to give things one more chance, so I made up a story about needing a substitute.”

Allie wasn't mad and she wasn't sure she should be. She inhaled a couple of times and worked her jaw, trying to figure out what to say. “If you didn't have a mission, then what on earth did you do for that week?”

“Honestly? The three weeks leading up to that, I stocked up on food and stuff and I just holed up in my apartment,” he admitted, still not looking at her. “Liam brought my mail to my door, but for that entire week, I didn't set foot out of my apartment.”

Allie propped herself up on an elbow and gently gripped Kaidan's chin, tipping his head up to look at her. “I'm not mad,” she soothed. “I actually think it's endearing you went to those lengths to talk to me. God knows I wasn't a great friend to you after the war.”

“I just figured I'd hurt you too badly to ever be forgiven,” Kaidan sighed, wrapping his fingers around hers and placing her hand against his jaw, “but I always asked Liara about you and she told me how she tried getting you to talk to me. She never said why you refused, but she made it seem like it wasn't completely hopeless.”

“I almost said no,” Allie admitted. “I wasn't sure I wanted to open myself to more heartbreak, but I figured it was only for one week and if things went sideways...” she shrugged and ran her fingers through his hair.

“I'm glad you didn't,” he smiled at her.

“Me, too,” she agreed, nestling against his chest.

They laid together for a few more moments before reluctantly getting themselves dressed and back to work. “The fanfic boards will go crazy after our first joint press conference,” Allie said, shimmying her pants up her legs.

Kaidan paused, giving Allie a look of utter disbelief. “You started reading fanfic?”

“Yeah. Conrad gave me some links but I found a profile that seemed to have a lot of bookmarked stories that I liked.” She stole a glance at her lover, and laughed at the look of panic on his face. “So, does the name 'BioticBooty2154' mean anything to you?” she asked.

Kaidan sighed and shook his head. “What if it did?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she grinned. “I'd just say they have very good taste in the stories they read.”

Kaidan sauntered over to her and draped his arms around her waist. “I won't lie. I am BioticBooty2154 and you know what?”

“What?” Allie asked, resting her arms over his shoulders.

“I'm glad we got our happy ending. I love you, Allie. I always have.”

Allie stood on her tiptoes and gently pressed her lips against his. For years she regretted not taking him back, not having him stand at her side as a partner as well as a comrade-in-arms. She wondered what she missed out on and how things might have gone differently for her in the years after the war. Now, standing in her quarters, staring at a face full of love and adoration, the could haves and should haves no longer mattered. He was here with her now and they had the rest of their lives to make sure they didn't miss out on anything again.

“I love you, too, Kaidan. I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TDY - temporary duty
> 
> Good gravy, these two... Writing this story was frustrating and satisfying and I might have shed a tear or two in the process. I'm proud of the fact that I finally finished a long fic. I hope you all have enjoyed the journey as much as I enjoyed having you along.

**Author's Note:**

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> 
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